This year, I was lucky enough to make it into my school's "Sweet 16" for trial competition. However, I've heard (and had) my share of horror stories regarding one of the most stressful competitions in law school land, and figured I could share a few tips on how to lose with FLAIR!
1) Fail to prepare your witnesses--in TC, you are expected to find witnesses (aka: people dumb enough to volunteer for you at least two nights while reciting facts they have to memorize about their "character"). Oftentimes, this means finding someone NOT in law school (read: someone who HAS to volunteer for you, generally a significant other, family member, or someone starving to death) who actually has the time and brain cells to do just that. Unfortunately, this means they have no idea what hearsay is. Or the proper protocol of courtroom proceedings. Or anything else associated with WINNING. Take, for example, my epic crash and burn last year:
We were "trying" a malicious prosecution case--policeman hubby sent investigators over to his ex-wife's house because she supposedly had weed in it, out of concern for his daughter. We were repping the hubby, played by my awesome boyfriend (Leonidas was one of the unfortunate HAD-TO'S). He's on the stand, being cross-examined by a couple of 3Ls asking him about his relationship with his daughter when he tells them he.is.NOT.the.child's.father. We all froze. Time stood still. The 3L wheeled around to face me. I'm making the "what the fuck is he saying" face to my TC partner. I lock eyes with the 3L. He makes a threatening face. I shrug, as if to say "how the fuck is this helping my case???" The trial resumes. We, obviously, lose. Lesson learned. Don't just prep your witness. Tell them what to say AND what not to say.
2) Using the excuse "They were unavailable for trial"--this usually crops up in relation to trying to get questionable evidence or testimony in front of the jury. Nice try, but no dice. They may be unavailable for testimony, but it's because of the setup of this particular problem. Do not use the lack of witnesses to try to screw over the other side. And don't tell a trial judge that you cannot produce a witness for testimony, because you'll almost certainly violate TC rules and may get called on it, making you look like a buffoon.
3) Wear hooker shoes--don't scoff! There is a girl in my class who is renowned for her hooker shoes. Yes, she may inspire fear in my fierce little litigating heart, but it ain't because of her trial techniques--it's because I'm imagining where those shoes have been, and what pain they have inflicted in the bedroom. Trust me, the judges will be thinking that too. And seriously, who takes a woman in hooker shoes seriously? (P.S. This applies to boots above the knees too.)
For references of what her hooker shoes look like, here is an example, only I'm pretty sure hers are shinier, more strappy, and even more inappropriate for any type of court setting:
4) Using lines from movies--let's not kid: My Cousin Vinny; Liar, Liar; and Legally Blonde are cinematographic masterpieces. But their lines are appropriate when you're bullshitting with friends, not when you're presenting your case for the chance of winning a trial. Some examples include:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, everything that guy just told you was bullshit. Thank you.
OR
I object! (On what grounds?) That it's DEVASTATING TO MY CASE.
OR
And your boyfriend's name is?
5) Piss off the judges--this may seem to be a pretty simple one, but trust me, this happens far more frequently than you would believe. Questioning their credentials, complaining about them to competition organizers, or straight-up telling them they are wrong? BAD IDEA. And you will lose. If you complain about them later, you may have won....but you will still end up losing. It's the God's honest truth.
I've got plenty of other stories, which I may or may not trot out later. But first, has this ever happened to you? What tips do you have for losing with flair?
1) Fail to prepare your witnesses--in TC, you are expected to find witnesses (aka: people dumb enough to volunteer for you at least two nights while reciting facts they have to memorize about their "character"). Oftentimes, this means finding someone NOT in law school (read: someone who HAS to volunteer for you, generally a significant other, family member, or someone starving to death) who actually has the time and brain cells to do just that. Unfortunately, this means they have no idea what hearsay is. Or the proper protocol of courtroom proceedings. Or anything else associated with WINNING. Take, for example, my epic crash and burn last year:
We were "trying" a malicious prosecution case--policeman hubby sent investigators over to his ex-wife's house because she supposedly had weed in it, out of concern for his daughter. We were repping the hubby, played by my awesome boyfriend (Leonidas was one of the unfortunate HAD-TO'S). He's on the stand, being cross-examined by a couple of 3Ls asking him about his relationship with his daughter when he tells them he.is.NOT.the.child's.father. We all froze. Time stood still. The 3L wheeled around to face me. I'm making the "what the fuck is he saying" face to my TC partner. I lock eyes with the 3L. He makes a threatening face. I shrug, as if to say "how the fuck is this helping my case???" The trial resumes. We, obviously, lose. Lesson learned. Don't just prep your witness. Tell them what to say AND what not to say.
2) Using the excuse "They were unavailable for trial"--this usually crops up in relation to trying to get questionable evidence or testimony in front of the jury. Nice try, but no dice. They may be unavailable for testimony, but it's because of the setup of this particular problem. Do not use the lack of witnesses to try to screw over the other side. And don't tell a trial judge that you cannot produce a witness for testimony, because you'll almost certainly violate TC rules and may get called on it, making you look like a buffoon.
3) Wear hooker shoes--don't scoff! There is a girl in my class who is renowned for her hooker shoes. Yes, she may inspire fear in my fierce little litigating heart, but it ain't because of her trial techniques--it's because I'm imagining where those shoes have been, and what pain they have inflicted in the bedroom. Trust me, the judges will be thinking that too. And seriously, who takes a woman in hooker shoes seriously? (P.S. This applies to boots above the knees too.)
For references of what her hooker shoes look like, here is an example, only I'm pretty sure hers are shinier, more strappy, and even more inappropriate for any type of court setting:
4) Using lines from movies--let's not kid: My Cousin Vinny; Liar, Liar; and Legally Blonde are cinematographic masterpieces. But their lines are appropriate when you're bullshitting with friends, not when you're presenting your case for the chance of winning a trial. Some examples include:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, everything that guy just told you was bullshit. Thank you.
OR
I object! (On what grounds?) That it's DEVASTATING TO MY CASE.
OR
And your boyfriend's name is?
5) Piss off the judges--this may seem to be a pretty simple one, but trust me, this happens far more frequently than you would believe. Questioning their credentials, complaining about them to competition organizers, or straight-up telling them they are wrong? BAD IDEA. And you will lose. If you complain about them later, you may have won....but you will still end up losing. It's the God's honest truth.
I've got plenty of other stories, which I may or may not trot out later. But first, has this ever happened to you? What tips do you have for losing with flair?
