Things not to say to unemployed, job-seeking attorneys

I wrote this post back in October, never dreaming that nearly a seven months later, I'd still be without a job. But here I am, and here it is. At the time, I was rubbed raw about a comment about my unemployment, and wrote this as a response. However, I didn't post it because I feared repenting in leisure. Today, I'm not angry. I'm not upset about anyone's words. And I'm really glad most of my friends have jobs. I will admit I'm extremely frustrated about my self-perceived lack of forward momentum and the way I feel stuck in neutral while the rest of the world passes me by. I yearn for a sense of autonomy. A sense of purpose. And let's not forget actually having cash on hand. Regardless, I think this is a good and somewhat funny post and it seems a shame to let it lay around in my drafts folder. 

Also, enjoy this excellent gif of how I react when anyone tries to tell me about what I should be doing differently during my job hunt: 

Just...no.

JOBLESS AND HOPELESS: 

 Some of y'all out there don't realize how much your words may hurt. Allow me to bring that to your attention...............

Things Not to Say to Newly Minted, Unemployed, Job-Seeking Attorneys

1. “Why don’t you just work pro bono for a while?”
   
   
    OMG, I’D LOVE TO WORK PRO BONO. I’m assuming you’ll be paying for my malpractice insurance in case someone sues me? No? Oh, then you’ll pay any court costs that arise for my clients who cannot pay filing fees and cannot get them waived? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP.
   
   
2. “Wow. After seeing how hard of a time you’re having finding gainful employment, I’m so glad I’ve got a job!”
   
   
   I do not care how well-meaning you are. This comes across as smug. And offensive. And generally douchey. And quite frankly, I’m not sure how you think comparing your employment to my PROFESSIONAL LIFE SUCKING is supposed to be (a) supportive, (b) empathetic, or (c) appropriate in any setting.
   
   
3. “What are you doing wrong?”::deep breath:: I really don’t want to have this conversation with you. I also REALLY don’t want to rip your head off. If I’m doing anything wrong, it’s surrounding myself with assholes like you. But seriously, I invite you to look at legal employment statistics, right now: here, here, and here. Then I invite you to shut the fuck up.
4. “You can open your own practice! It will be easy!”
   
   
   I’ll forgive you for your ignorance this one time. Firms cost money. And I’m unemployed. And I don’t have malpractice insurance. And I don’t have any forms. And I’ve never practiced law before, so my potential for screwing this up is remarkably high. I also can’t afford a legal search engine. And I’m scared. And did I mention I have no money?!?!
   
   
5. ::quotes depressing employment statistic::
   
   
   Good for you! You read the above links and know about unemployment in America! Again, how is it supposed to make us feel any better? If anything, it makes us feel worse, because we’re now a statistic, and these numbers don’t offer anything in way of improving our situation.
6. “Maybe you should lower your expectations.”

   You’re absolutely right! I should work at Footlocker! Or for no money! And no benefits! Also, I should absolutely welcome sexual harassment from the skeezy guy that’s offered me a great “business opportunity.” Look, buddy: I’m not looking for a $100,000 per year job. I just want to get paid for my work. And I’d like to work in a field where I’m utilizing the degree for which I’m currently paying student loans. If my expectations get any lower, I might as well cut up my cardboard box and get out my Sharpie marker. 

Being unemployed and looking is hard. I’ve applied for a lot of jobs. I’ve been rejected by all of them in some fashion. I know many people are well-meaning, and just as many just don’t think before they open their mouths. However, it hurts. My first student loan bill just came in. And if you don’t think I had a mini-breakdown thinking about my inability to repay these debts, then you’d be wrong.

None of us like to show how much this continuous rejection hurts. I like to make funny posts about my bevvy of job-hunting fails because it minimizes the fear and upset and confusion and uncertainty. We also don’t like to tell you to shut up, because a lot of times it’s the people closest to us that are making these comments.

So please, before you try to “empathize” with new (or even old) lawyers that cannot find a job, think about the comment you’re about to make. If it’s anything other than “I’m really sorry” or “I hope things start looking up for you,” then don’t say it. Treat us like we’ve just suffered some great loss. Because we have. We have lost our confidence. And our faith.

And even though we know it will eventually get better, it doesn’t minimize the enormity of now. 

No, she doesn't leap buildings with a single bound...because she isn't GIVEN THE CHANCE. 

This is your brain, bar exam style...

I'm pretty sure this is self-explanatory. 

(Pray to the merciful 6 lb, 8 oz. baby lord Jesus for my everloving soul....)

Adventures in Bar Exam Land

I feel that I've reached an impasse at this point of my bar studying. If you'll recall, I made the decision to study without enlisting the (ridiculously expensive) aid of Barbri, although I was given a full set of Texas Barbri books with which to study by a Twitter friend.

From this point, I proceeded to study throughout December to give myself something to do and so I wouldn't feel rushed about my studies in the new year....which, if you've ever studied for a bar exam, know that's LAUGHABLE. So ha ha ha to me.

As of now, I've finished retyping 8 out of 20 handouts; the subjects I've already tackled are Agency/Partnership, Bankruptcy, Texas Civ Pro, Commercial Paper, Community Property, Consumer Law, Federal Income Tax, and Oil & Gas. This leaves me with a shitton more to finish, and the slightly panicky feeling no one likes to have but most associate with impending bar examinations.

It's at this juncture that I need to seriously ask myself how much I'm learning by retyping. I think I've learned quite a lot, and I'm going to have to go through everything again and fill in the blanks, which isn't that big of a deal and which will definitely help to jog my memory. It's also helpful to retype because it ensures I've seen it at least once. However, I know I'm a charts person, and I passed my last bar examination largely in part due to my incessant charting. On the other hand, I also had lecturers last time, which assisted me in tackling what I'm now attempting to retype because I was guaranteed to HEAR everything at least once.

Today is the day I lay out the next eight weeks of my life in a calendar to keep myself accountable and so I can minimize my feelings of extreme malaise and discomfiture. So, I guess my ultimate decision is how I want to approach the bar exam from this point forward. Do I want to finish typing ALL of the handouts? (I have 700 pages left.) Do I want to try to read them and see how much I retain? Which subjects do I want to chart?

Regardless, I went ahead and made myself a breakdown of the Texas bar examination, including what all is on the essay, the percentage each portion is worth (in lovely pie chart form), and what to expect on each section. After I finish my calendar (likely tomorrow), I will post that . And I'm thinking of documenting either in daily form or weekly form what I've been doing by myself to get prepared for the barf exam. :)

What do Y'ALL think?

This whole apartment thing ain't working out anymore....(Or: I'm too old for this shit)

I go to bed around 1:00 (adjusted time) last night, savoring the extra hour to myself.

Then, around 4:30, I'm awakened by a woman's moans. I'm disoriented, worried, and blind (I've got 20/600 vision). I also hear "no."

I jump to my feet, grab around for my glasses. Can't find them. I rush to turn on the light. I'm pissed my gun is in the other room, not that I'd be able to shoot anyone if a woman were being assaulted outside of my window, since I can't see one foot in front of me.

Then I realize it's either (a) my neighbors having sex, with her being extremely vocal or (b) my neighbors blasting porn.*

As that awareness washes over me, my heart settles from about 220 beats per minute to a (still high) 150 beats per minute. And my worry turns to fury. I turn to the wall and beat on it three times, vowing to myself to call the authorities and report a domestic disturbance if it didn't cease (it WAS a domestic disturbance...they were disturbing me).

Ms. Oooh-Yes-Oooh-No shuts the fuck up.

But it takes me about twenty minutes to get rid of that adrenaline and settle back to sleep.

Undergrads. Can't live next to them. Can't shoot them with my 9.

*I'm guessing porn, due to her sounding JUST LIKE a fucking porn star. And owing to the fact that as soon as I banged on the wall, all noises stopped. Headphones? 

Ten things I'd rather be doing than studying for the bar exam...

I'm tired. I'm lacking motivation. And I'm starting to get my ass handed to me during MPQ multiple choice question sets. It's demoralizing, degrading, and depressing. (Enough with the alliteration.) I would almost rather be doing anything else than this. Like making this chart about things I'd rather be doing than studying:

On second thought, I'd better be getting back to torts. Hope y'all are getting through it too!

Trade Fixtures Exception (a ditty by moi)

Barbri, Day 2

Barbri Day #2 is over, although I do have some "homework" I apparently need to go over. Today was a lot worse than yesterday, namely because it went over Real Property and Contracts, and I very much so suck at both of those subjects....particularly Contracts.

Guy teaching the courses (same guy for both, both on a video) was funny. He reminded me of Louis Black. Without the cussing. Which may have made Contracts a whole lot more fun and memorable, but alas, I'll never know.

However, there are a whole lot of points I think I should make regarding today:

1) There were dramatically fewer people in my class today than yesterday, namely because they figured they could see the same videos from home. I cannot do that because (a) I have the attention span of a gna---oh, wow, look at that shiny object! and (b) I will never get around to watching all the video or take the video seriously when I could be doing a multitude of other, more worthy things (like sleeping, or eating, or sleep-eating).

2) Real Property sucks just as much now as it did 1L year, but Real Estate Transactions played a MUCH larger role in this section than anyone else let on it would. Ergo, I'm thankful I took the latter course, even though I shudder every time I hear the word mortgage.

3) Our class should really devise a system of shutting our books and letting the daily administrator know  when we are finished with our preview test, so we don't spend an extra 15 minutes Facebooking inside a classroom instead of getting out early and Facebooking from the privacy of our own homes.

4) I've GOT to start packing a lunch, because one of these days, I'm not going to be so lucky about snagging a parking spot when I leave and come back to school.

5) Okay, people. We get it. The dude just repeated himself four fucking times. I see how you might think that's funny. Personally, I think you should probably just write it down over and over again, so you might remember it for the Bar. Because, you know, if he's saying it seventeen times, IT MIGHT BE IMPORTANT.

In addition to these notes, I think it's fair to say that this course is pretty damn good. I'm learning a lot, and even though I emerge each day with a headache, I figure I'm getting my money's worth. I've also taken up bicycling again (8.5 miles today) to deal with the stress of studying, and also so I can look decent in a majorly fucking hot swimsuit I plan on wearing at the end of the summer.

Is anyone else taking Barbri? What do y'all think of it so far?

I'd like to rearrange...your face

Things that really bother me while taking final exams:

1) Deep sighing
2) Vibrating phones (turn those bitches OFF)
3) Loud typing--is it necessary to batter your computer?
4) People that leave 40 minutes into exam (and it's three hours long)
5) Going blank (this one's totally on me--fault completely my own)
6) Rustling food bags--open it, get it over with, and for the love of God, please don't smack
7) Tapping and other random bodily twitches
8) People that make a big deal about leaving the room or asking a teacher a question
9) People who are apparently too stupid to quietly pack up their shit to leave

10) AND YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, slurping your goddamn Route 44 drink, WHEN IT'S OBVIOUSLY FUCKING EMPTY. 

I hope you fail....

I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you....

I hope you're diagnosed with a condition that makes it impossible to drink from a fucking straw. 

Sometimes I amaze myself...

So I learned how to make gifs....and I was like

There goes my studying....

Don't bet against the bailiff

I'm not sure if I've written about my externship before, since I generally shy away from anything that has to do with court proceedings in the interest of judicial secrecy. That being said, I work several hours per week with hilariously awesome people in this particular court setting. As is typical with awesome people, craziness ensues a large majority of the time. 

Like today, when I lost a bet. 

We had a hearing regarding parents that don't get along and refuse to get along for the interest of their two children. They have allowed these kids to have Facebook accounts. The parents also have Facebook accounts, and apparently Momsy spends a good majority of the time making sexual innuendos and bashing Dadsy on her wall. My Judge, hereby named "Her Awesomeness," has been dealing with this couple for a while now. Today they were in court to squabble about the young girl having a Facebook (and I mean this girl is well below the age required by Facebook policy to even qualify for an account). 

While duking it out, it became blatantly obvious that both of these parents were off their rockers. And that Her Awesomeness was getting pretty damn pissed. 

Imagine how much more pissed she became when she realized Momsy took her barely teenaged son to a place I'll call Knockers to celebrate his birthday...in clear violation of a court order regarding the consumption of alcohol around the children (hand to God, Her Awesomeness was actually quoted in the previous transcripts as saying the parents should view alcohol as seriously as cocaine if it was around the children, as the kids had been so over-exposed to alcohol in the past). 

Which brings me to my bet. As Bailiff Larry and I were waiting for Her Awesomeness's ruling, he figured out loud that Judge would probably hold Momsy in contempt (Knockers was just the beginning). Her Awesomeness is a really kickass and (extremely) sweet lady, so I naturally assumed it would take more to rile Judge up.

And of course, I was wrong. 

Which is why I'm now making brownies for the entire court tomorrow. 

But hey, I got to see someone arrested! TOTALLY WORTH IT. 

Final semester

I don't really have very much to write right now, although I expect all of that to change in the next few days since school is starting. I've got some difficult classes that I may or may not be looking forward to, and am taking a vow to read ALL THE CASES.

I don't know how long that will last, particularly since I don't even have any  all of the books for my classes. I'm also going to use my planner every.single.day. This will happen folks, because I have a B-E-A-utiful planner just begging for my handwriting. I'm also going to attempt to use technology to schedule my life. Since technology hates me, however, I may be better off sticking to handwriting.

Other than that, I've got an excellent schedule, a reasonably clean house, and fun activities in the next few weeks.

And by fun, I mean soul-sucking, legal-related stuff from which I will probably not derive any pleasure.

Sixth semester= sixth circle of Hell. I'd say Dante's description of the Sixth Circle suits the last semester of law school to a tee--"a vast landscape rife with distress and wretched punishment."

Yep. That about sums it up. Distress and punishment.

How wonderfully divine.

My job search, illustrated by my illustrious LOLZ KATZ

So I'm gathering my documents together in anticipation of sending out a shitstorm's worth of resumes and cover letters in the next few days.

This means I'm looking for people that are ACTUALLY hiring. Which actually means that I'm sending out a shitton of resumes to ALL THE LAWYERS.

If this demand doesn't work, I'll probably be forced to pull out the big guns.

I've got all the qualities someone should want when hiring a law clerk/associate/gopher bitch:

1) I'm good at giving orders.

2) I'm a hard worker.

3) I am well-groomed.

Considering the state of the economy, I'm not going to hold my breath.

Now please excuse me while I sit in front of the mirror and repeat my special mantra.

Baby Mama Drama....

Tomorrow is my first final. As a result, I've been doing anything--and I do mean anything--to avoid studying. I have washed my dishes (the most hated of ALL THINGS). I have closed my cases out for a clinic. I'm caught up on all my washed laundry (but still have to fold shit--the second most hated of ALL THINGS). I've gotten a haircut (which no one has noticed--I fucking HATE final exam weeks). I have planned an outing in the dog park for Crackers. The stockings are hung by the window with care. I've been clothes shopping at Goodwill. I've got a stocked pantry too.

So now, unless I want to clean out my disgusting car or spend the entire day vacuuming, I had better get to some studying.

My final is in domestic relations.

I think I'll turn on some Jerry Springer for real-life case examples.

The zombie apocalypse...law school finals style

I got into a lively discussion with some of my twitter friends the other day about the impending zombie apocalypse and whether a crossbow would serve as an adequate weapon. Then I realized something today.....I've already been preparing for it!!! So far, I've compared law school finals to the Rocky series (aka: getting my ass whooped and coming back for more), being on serious and dangerous medication (the adverse side effects are already manifesting themselves, y'all) and now, I've got another basis of comparison:

There's no doubt about it: preparing for law school finals is like readying yourself for the pending zombie apocalypse, only you can't kill the people around you that are trying to suck your soul from your body and render you a member of the undead....unfortunately. So, like all good law students, I'm sure you want to be ready, and I've prepared a list to ensure that you remain one of the living. Ready yourself....

1) Devise a plan: you know yourself. You know your capabilities. Don't plan for being able to do shit that is obviously beyond your capabilities. If you are slow, prepare your car should you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. If you are stupid, simplify your outline.

2) Stockpile a food arsenal. A week before final exams (which coincides nicely with Thanksgiving in the fall semester, just so you know), prepare about three freezable meals. Put those bitches in single serving tins (makes about 12-15 meals) and freeze them. Or just go to the grocery store and buy 15 boxes of Hot Pockets, 5 frozen pizzas, and ten gallons of Red Bull.

3) Buy dry shampoo: No matter if you are killing zombies or slaying finals, you are going to want to appear clean....even if you aren't. I recommend at least three cans of dry shampoo, a light body mist (NOTICE I SAID LIGHT), breath mints, and a prescription strength deodorant. Even if you are dead doesn't mean you have to smell like you are.

4) Important documents: even the CDC has recognized the possibility of a ZA. They recommend getting all your important documents together, and I couldn't agree more. This means you need a copy of your school id, the outlines you can actually bring in to tests, your study aids, and blue books, should you be a handwriter.

5) Medications: if you are on ANY prescription drugs (e.g. birth control, adderall, narcotics, or Viagra) be sure to have these prescriptions filled before the end of the semester craziness ensues. Trust me, you don't want to need your Viagra and not have it.

6) Preventative supplies: your immune system is down; you are surrounded by sick people; you are probably going to get sick. Buy zinc, the only thing proven to shorten a common cold, AND USE IT. Get some Advil (which you can take with alcohol--you can't drink with Tylenol, btw) for the head/backaches you're likely going to encounter. For that matter, buy some booze too. You know what they say....an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

7) Earplugs: you surprisingly don't see this on many lists. I say surprisingly because you are obviously going to need to muffle sounds--the sounds of fellow students or the sounds of gunfire as you're plowing down zombies. Duh.

8)   Adequate weaponry: this can be combined with your important documents, but there's so much more that can go with your weaponry. May I suggest your killing theme song (my personal choice being "Bohemian Rhapsody"), your highlighters, outlines you've managed to procure from people indubitably smarter than you, and dollars for snack machines?

9) Your "wolfpack": I'm with Zack Galifianakis on this one. You need your wolfpack--this doesn't mean you have to study with them, but it's always nice to have someone to accompany you as you drink yourself into oblivion. Also, they may be able to provide you with outlines, and they'll have your back (hopefully--I've got doubts about fellow law students, to tell the truth) should a zombie sneak up on you.

10) Avoid large groups of people: you can never be sure which of these people is waiting to morph into a zombie. And by zombie, I mean the asshole who starts bemoaning the upcoming exam, or mindfucking you into believing the exam you just took may have anally had you. It's also harder to study with large groups of people, and you tend to go out and drink as a reward for a half hour of "studying."

Do you have any tips for surviving the upcoming apocalypse?

How to lose your trial competition

This year, I was lucky enough to make it into my school's "Sweet 16" for trial competition. However, I've heard (and had) my share of horror stories regarding one of the most stressful competitions in law school land, and figured I could share a few tips on how to lose with FLAIR!

1) Fail to prepare your witnesses--in TC, you are expected to find witnesses (aka: people dumb enough to volunteer for you at least two nights while reciting facts they have to memorize about their "character"). Oftentimes, this means finding someone NOT in law school (read: someone who HAS to volunteer for you, generally a significant other, family member, or someone starving to death) who actually has the time and brain cells to do just that. Unfortunately, this means they have no idea what hearsay is. Or the proper protocol of courtroom proceedings. Or anything else associated with WINNING. Take, for example, my epic crash and burn last year:

We were "trying" a malicious prosecution case--policeman hubby sent investigators over to his ex-wife's house because she supposedly had weed in it, out of concern for his daughter. We were repping the hubby, played by my awesome boyfriend (Leonidas was one of the unfortunate HAD-TO'S). He's on the stand, being cross-examined by a couple of 3Ls asking him about his relationship with his daughter when he tells them he.is.NOT.the.child's.father. We all froze. Time stood still. The 3L wheeled around to face me. I'm making the "what the fuck is he saying" face to my TC partner. I lock eyes with the 3L. He makes a threatening face. I shrug, as if to say "how the fuck is this helping my case???" The trial resumes. We, obviously, lose. Lesson learned. Don't just prep your witness. Tell them what to say AND what not to say.

2) Using the excuse "They were unavailable for trial"--this usually crops up in relation to trying to get questionable evidence or testimony in front of the jury. Nice try, but no dice. They may be unavailable for testimony, but it's because of the setup of this particular problem. Do not use the lack of witnesses to try to screw over the other side. And don't tell a trial judge that you cannot produce a witness for testimony, because you'll almost certainly violate TC rules and may get called on it, making you look like a buffoon.

3) Wear hooker shoes--don't scoff! There is a girl in my class who is renowned for her hooker shoes. Yes, she may inspire fear in my fierce little litigating heart, but it ain't because of her trial techniques--it's because I'm imagining where those shoes have been, and what pain they have inflicted in the bedroom. Trust me, the judges will be thinking that too. And seriously, who takes a woman in hooker shoes seriously? (P.S. This applies to boots above the knees too.)

For references of what her hooker shoes look like, here is an example, only I'm pretty sure hers are shinier, more strappy, and even more inappropriate for any type of court setting:

4) Using lines from movies--let's not kid: My Cousin Vinny; Liar, Liar; and Legally Blonde are cinematographic masterpieces. But their lines are appropriate when you're bullshitting with friends, not when you're presenting your case for the chance of winning a trial. Some examples include:

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, everything that guy just told you was bullshit. Thank you.
OR
I object! (On what grounds?) That it's DEVASTATING TO MY CASE.
OR
And your boyfriend's name is?


5) Piss off the judges--this may seem to be a pretty simple one, but trust me, this happens far more frequently than you would believe. Questioning their credentials, complaining about them to competition organizers, or straight-up telling them they are wrong? BAD IDEA. And you will lose. If you complain about them later, you may have won....but you will still end up losing. It's the God's honest truth.

I've got plenty of other stories, which I may or may not trot out later. But first, has this ever happened to you? What tips do you have for losing with flair?

Continued interest....

Tomorrow I've got a job interview. I'd really like to get it; not because it's a field I'd particularly enjoy, but because it pays well. I somehow managed to forget I'd already interviewed for them once (last summer), and got the big N.O. I'm glad they helped remind me when they emailed me thanking me for my continued interest in their firm. I wish I could have told them no, I have a continued interest in not mooching off Maxine and Danny (which I am gleefully doing right now, to their chagrin). I have a continued interest in building my resume. I have a continued interest in learning about the law. Them? Meh; not so much.

Considering my continued interests in re-interviewing for a firm who let the doorknob hit me where the good Lord split me when I left, I've been playing out interview scenarios in my head. Best case scenario? I charm their pants off, then still get a no. Seriously. I have gotten more rejections than Jonah Hill before he struck it rich in Superbad. Worst case scenario? It's already happened:

Interviewer: So tell me what you know about the CIA. (That's who I was interviewing for. How the fuck I got past the initial resume collection is BEYOND ME.)
 Me: Not that much. Y'all must be doing your job right! 

I am not kidding. I actually said that. In an interview. With the CIA.

Good thing this isn't a governmental job.

Because I'm pretty sure I've made it on some form of a "do not hire" list.

Basket Cases -- Meet Jean Pierre

I've been thinking of a few segments I can do that are bloggy, but not expected and/or trite. Luckily, this article came along just in the nick of time. INTRODUCING...

BASKET CASES

(also known as "I can't fucking believe someone actually decided to go forward with this case; I hope they are massacred in court, held accountable for bringing frivolous charges, and humiliated in the headlines of major newspapers around the world.")

In this installment, you're reminded of the extremely sad case in NY where a woman drove into the Hudson River, killing herself and her three small children. Her 10 year old managed to escape and swim to safety. Articles after this tragedy spoke of her foreboding facebook status before she committed this unspeakable act: "I'm so sorry everyone forgive me please for what I'm gonna do.... This Is It!!!!" 

Apparently her estranged baby-daddy now feels entitled to 80 million bucks from the city/county, since he has the misguided notion that CPS had the responsibility to monitor the woman who drove into the water. He also alleges that the city created a dangerous condition, as the boat ramp should have had a barrier and signs warning an ascent into the water. (For the record, wasn't she PLANNING on driving into the water? Those signs would have been useless, but that's beside the point.) A few other facts not mentioned in the article: (1) the woman had a protective order against the man bringing the lawsuit; (2) the man is not the father of the surviving child; (3) the man owes over 11K worth of child support (to another woman, supposedly); (4) CPS was monitoring the family because of allegations of abuse levied at HIM; (5) she drove into the water immediately following a heated argument with him, during which he pounded on the door and she apparently confronted him about cheating on her.

This is what makes lawyers look like scum of the Earth. Some asshole apparently thinks its okay to encourage this stupid, litigious, frivolous behavior. Quite frankly, it makes me sick. I hope the judge incarcerates baby-daddy immediately for failure to pay child support, and then I hope he throws the case out and makes the man serve more time for bringing such a stupid case. His attorney, an even bigger fuckup than his client, is quoted as saying: "He's not looking for any money out of this; he feels he was wronged by the county and by the city of Newburgh."

Oh, he isn't looking for money, huh? Riddle me this then: why is he asking for 80 million dollars? He sure as SHIT ain't donating it to charity.

I'm following this case, and I'll be quite pissed off if the city decides to settle. I'm pretty sure the city would be hard-pressed to not be disgusted with some asshole trying to profit off the death of his three children.

And that's it...in a basket(case).

Advice for incoming 1Ls....

You're going to get a long list of things you should do when you enter law school. I figured you'd need a list of things you should NOT do upon entering law school.

1) Do not hook up with anyone at the law school for at least three months. I've never eaten at the proverbial place where I shit, so to speak. That doesn't mean some people don't. If you are considering doing this, wait at least three months for the "new" sheen to wear off and allow you to see most of your legal cohorts for what they are....assholes who will most likely tell of your lack of bedroom prowess while getting sloppy drunk then calling you from the bar to pick him/her up for a little late night (shitty) bootay. Refrain. People like to gossip in law school....in fact, they act worse than middle schoolers. Except now, instead of hearing how Suzy likes Johnny, you are overhearing stories about Stacey's mismatched boobs and affinity for cracking a (non-proverbial) whip over the backs of unsuspecting 1Ls. Don't be a Stacey, people.

2) Do NOT run out and buy every single casebook on your reading list (especially at the bookstore). A lot of people would do a heck of a lot better in classes if they set aside some money for Emanuel's Crunchtime rather than that 200 dollar casebook they haven't touched all semester. Be honest with yourself....are you even going to show up to classes? If the answer is maybe, then speak to some upperclassmen, ask them if the professor even expects you to read or mostly lectures the entire time, then get some tips as to the best study guide for the class. While you're at it, ask for someone's old notes.

3) Do not outline....if it's not for you. Not everyone is an outliner. I am one of those people who would rather jump off a building rather than outline (and who gets about the same studying effect out of the two). Some people like to organize their notes in outline form. Some like to make flashcards. Some have photographic memories. Those with the photographic memories can fuck themselves. Everyone else....find out what works for you. Outlines (as hyped as they are) may not be the answer.

4) Do not be afraid to ask a question in class. I don't give two flying rat turds about being called a gunner. If asking a sincere question about something (if you HAVE READ...if you haven't, assume it's in the material, scan the material, then ask after class because otherwise, your classmates will --rightly-- want to pop a cap in your ass) qualifies you as a gunner, then so be it. That being said, don't ask a question that rephrases the last thing the professor said in hopes of making yourself look good to the professor. It makes you look like a tool.

5) Do NOT get shitty drunk at the first bar review. Without fail, at least one 1L gets a DWI after my school's first bar review. A few years ago, a person got one on a moped. Don't be that person (because you'll be remembered, but not in a good way. Maybe in an epic way, but trust me, you don't want to be the moped guy).

6) In fact, DO NOT drink and drive at all. There's another person I know that supposedly hit a police cruiser on her way back from the bar. Another person I know had a breathalyzer in his truck. And yet another had to ask everyone for rides because he had no license due to DUIs. This sucks, you have to divulge it to the Bar and future employers, and it shows up in a background scan. Plus your pictures are in the police database. And if you think those pictures don't circulate....think again. I know many people who have made them their computer's backgrounds.

7) Do not rely on other people's outlines to get a good grade in a class. People make outlines to retain information. You reading an outline may help a bit, but putting in the time to make that outline was what earned that person the A in the class. Don't kid yourself.

8) Don't expect to be one of the few A's in the class. At my school, we are graded on a B- curve. This sucks, because it means A's are in short abundance (and that our GPA averages are lower than the national average). While it's awesome to aspire to a good grade, just remember there are a lot more B- grades than A's.....and that someone has to be on the bottom of the bell curve.

I've got lots more, but this is probably the best advice I can offer. Have fun, read for class, and make friends outside of law school. Trust me, you'll need them.

MPRE....in the words of the ever relevant Mortal Kombat, FINISH HER!!!!!!!!

So I'm taking the MPRE this Friday, and haven't done very much in way of studying aside from taking a class in Professional Responsibility. Which I didn't do nearly as well on as I would have hoped. Which is the test I cried over after I finished (you can read about that here). So I may just have a mental block against it. Or maybe I'm just not ethical. Or maybe I think ethicality (call me Palin, cause I just made up a word) can be summed up in one sentence: if you have to question whether it's ethical or not, it isn't. And if you're just not a very ethical person and don't pause to consider the ramifications of you actions, KARMA will get around to you.

Isn't that so much easier than requiring me to sacrifice a few hours of a perfectly good Friday to take this test? And sacrifice even more days hours trying to cram a bunch of wacky rules into my already packed brain?

Not to mention weathering the ramifications of potential flashbacks due to my overwhelmingly negative experiences with this subject?

I should sue for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

When adults act like children....

I admit it: I can act like a child sometimes (Maxine can attest to this). Ultimately, though, I put on my big girl panties, take a deep breath, and approach the problem like a rational (grown up) person.

SO WHY CAN'T EVERYONE ELSE DO THE SAME DAMN THING????

Lawyers (and law students) are particularly guilty of behaving childishly. You see them bickering within briefs, participating in pissing contests at your local bar (generally these are not literal pissing contests although it would not surprise me), and stabbing each other behind their backs. Recently, I've been hit by the crazy train. Let me tell you something: I don't deal well with cray-cray. Most the time, I tell someone they are acting that way, and let's just say the crazy hits the fan. This most recent time, however, it's just not that easy to tell someone they are bat-shit crazy, because I'm afraid she might take her billyclub and break my kneecaps. Why you ask? Because she's assumed the role of child and mother (and no, this is not my mother we are talking about).

I deal even worse with someone who presumes to tell me what to do, especially when they are NOT my mother (and Maxine can tell you I don't like taking orders from her either). Especially when she goes behind my back and involves people in an effort to force me to bend to her will. Newsflash: coming to me first would have been the best idea. If I don't immediately answer your emails, it's because I'm trying to figure out a way to tell you that you're a fucking lunatic. A followup email is the correct gesture, not an email to people in charge of stuff telling them of my plans that have not been verified and that you have in store for me. Just so you know, I've contacted those people in charge, because I don't give a fuck about someone else's opinion of me (although maybe I should). Before it's all over, I will out you and your craziness, and you will hopefully learn your lessons: (1) to communicate in a non-crazy manner; (2) to check before you assume; (3) to not fuck with me.

If you are in a position of power, then so be it. I, however, am NOT your minion. I am not your Igore. I am NOT your Bonnie. And I am not your bitch.