Things not to say to unemployed, job-seeking attorneys

I wrote this post back in October, never dreaming that nearly a seven months later, I'd still be without a job. But here I am, and here it is. At the time, I was rubbed raw about a comment about my unemployment, and wrote this as a response. However, I didn't post it because I feared repenting in leisure. Today, I'm not angry. I'm not upset about anyone's words. And I'm really glad most of my friends have jobs. I will admit I'm extremely frustrated about my self-perceived lack of forward momentum and the way I feel stuck in neutral while the rest of the world passes me by. I yearn for a sense of autonomy. A sense of purpose. And let's not forget actually having cash on hand. Regardless, I think this is a good and somewhat funny post and it seems a shame to let it lay around in my drafts folder. 

Also, enjoy this excellent gif of how I react when anyone tries to tell me about what I should be doing differently during my job hunt: 

Just...no.

JOBLESS AND HOPELESS: 

 Some of y'all out there don't realize how much your words may hurt. Allow me to bring that to your attention...............

Things Not to Say to Newly Minted, Unemployed, Job-Seeking Attorneys

1. “Why don’t you just work pro bono for a while?”
   
   
    OMG, I’D LOVE TO WORK PRO BONO. I’m assuming you’ll be paying for my malpractice insurance in case someone sues me? No? Oh, then you’ll pay any court costs that arise for my clients who cannot pay filing fees and cannot get them waived? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP.
   
   
2. “Wow. After seeing how hard of a time you’re having finding gainful employment, I’m so glad I’ve got a job!”
   
   
   I do not care how well-meaning you are. This comes across as smug. And offensive. And generally douchey. And quite frankly, I’m not sure how you think comparing your employment to my PROFESSIONAL LIFE SUCKING is supposed to be (a) supportive, (b) empathetic, or (c) appropriate in any setting.
   
   
3. “What are you doing wrong?”::deep breath:: I really don’t want to have this conversation with you. I also REALLY don’t want to rip your head off. If I’m doing anything wrong, it’s surrounding myself with assholes like you. But seriously, I invite you to look at legal employment statistics, right now: here, here, and here. Then I invite you to shut the fuck up.
4. “You can open your own practice! It will be easy!”
   
   
   I’ll forgive you for your ignorance this one time. Firms cost money. And I’m unemployed. And I don’t have malpractice insurance. And I don’t have any forms. And I’ve never practiced law before, so my potential for screwing this up is remarkably high. I also can’t afford a legal search engine. And I’m scared. And did I mention I have no money?!?!
   
   
5. ::quotes depressing employment statistic::
   
   
   Good for you! You read the above links and know about unemployment in America! Again, how is it supposed to make us feel any better? If anything, it makes us feel worse, because we’re now a statistic, and these numbers don’t offer anything in way of improving our situation.
6. “Maybe you should lower your expectations.”

   You’re absolutely right! I should work at Footlocker! Or for no money! And no benefits! Also, I should absolutely welcome sexual harassment from the skeezy guy that’s offered me a great “business opportunity.” Look, buddy: I’m not looking for a $100,000 per year job. I just want to get paid for my work. And I’d like to work in a field where I’m utilizing the degree for which I’m currently paying student loans. If my expectations get any lower, I might as well cut up my cardboard box and get out my Sharpie marker. 

Being unemployed and looking is hard. I’ve applied for a lot of jobs. I’ve been rejected by all of them in some fashion. I know many people are well-meaning, and just as many just don’t think before they open their mouths. However, it hurts. My first student loan bill just came in. And if you don’t think I had a mini-breakdown thinking about my inability to repay these debts, then you’d be wrong.

None of us like to show how much this continuous rejection hurts. I like to make funny posts about my bevvy of job-hunting fails because it minimizes the fear and upset and confusion and uncertainty. We also don’t like to tell you to shut up, because a lot of times it’s the people closest to us that are making these comments.

So please, before you try to “empathize” with new (or even old) lawyers that cannot find a job, think about the comment you’re about to make. If it’s anything other than “I’m really sorry” or “I hope things start looking up for you,” then don’t say it. Treat us like we’ve just suffered some great loss. Because we have. We have lost our confidence. And our faith.

And even though we know it will eventually get better, it doesn’t minimize the enormity of now. 

No, she doesn't leap buildings with a single bound...because she isn't GIVEN THE CHANCE. 

Equipping my dream office

One of these days, by golly, I'm going to have an office. And clients. And maybe even practice law. And if I'm dreaming, I'd like to do it in a decent part of town, with a climate-controlled building, in a space I fill myself. 

What my dream office shall (and what, realistically, every law office should) be equipped with:

1. I'm geekishly in love with this Viscante oak executive home office, found here (I actually used that stock photo as my office and added everything else I wanted). I want it all: the hutch, the desk, the EVERYTHING.

2. Framed certificates depicting my awesomeness (undergrad and law school degrees, and law licenses)

3. A super-sexy all-in-one copy/fax/scan/email machine. I'd love to be almost completely paperless (although I'd maintain one paper copy of each client's file for safekeeping).

4. A lateral filing desk, in which to keep the aforementioned paper copies. 

5. An ergonomic, back-loving office chair (like this one, the golden standard, from Herman Miller).

6. A really wide computer monitor. Because I'm blind. 

7. Westlaw Next. Because it's awesome. 

8. A chair for potential clients. Comfortable, but not too comfortable (because I want them to leave).

9. A Keurig. We all need caffeine.

10. Wall art. (The Razorbacks are gonna win it all next year, I TELL YA.)

11. Appropriate lighting. A girl has to see.

NOT PICTURED:

11. A sofa. Plush. (Because I might want to nap on it....duh.)

12. Bookcases upon which to display my vast knowledge of the law. Ha. (Okay, my outdated legal encyclopedias that will impress clients.)

13. External hard drive. If my computer crashes, I have to be prepared.

OPTIONAL, THOUGH PREFERRED:

14. A great view.

15. A stellar paralegal.

Boomerang Generation, or as my mom put it: "Welcome home; now get the fuck out."

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I'm done moving out of my old apartment, which (if any of you read my Twitter, know) was a horrible terrible HORRIBLE ordeal. Mostly because I was packing it all myself. Thankfully, my dad came up at the last minute and helped me drag the last of it to storage and transported what I wanted to keep back home. And when I tell you that man can PACK a truck, I do mean it. I thought it would take three or four trips to get all my crap to storage. One, guys. ONE. And when we got there, he strung up rope and hung my clothes from it like a clothesline. Because my dad is obviously a genius.

I owe my dad in large part to fitting entirely too much shit into such a small area 

I want to say I was really sad about leaving my apartment, but really I was so friggin' tired of moving and so overwhelmed by tiredness and dust, that I mostly said good riddance and got the Hell out of Dodge. Regardless, I still took some "reminiscent, empty house" photos. Whatever.

An empty house never looked SO BEAUTIFUL.
(Also: bye F-town. You've been good to me.)

So....I've now been officially inducted into the Boomerang Generation. I'm crashing with my parents until I can find a job, which hasn't been forthcoming as of yet. Today I applied for a job about seven states away today, and will snap it up if I am offered the chance (which will almost assuredly not happen, given the fact that I've been so ridiculously un-hireable as of yet). I've also been applying for science jobs across the state that may or may not utilize my legal "prowess," and haven't heard back from any of them. Yesterday, I finished finding, printing, and highlighting all the classes I'm using to claim eligibility for the Patent Bar (it took a couple of hours), which I credit in large part to the workspace I've set up in my parents' new house. I'm in a closet y'all, which is ideal for me. Not too much room, not too many distractions, but not so small that it makes me feel like stabbing my eyeballs out. 

Behold....the glory.
(Also known as "where the magic happens.)

In order to keep myself further occupied, I've been planning out my mode of attack regarding getting into shape/becoming a super-sexy-beast. I hate the routine I've managed to get into, but hadn't changed it due to my life being in flux and the inability to plan more than a week into the future. Now that I've moved, though, and am settled into a place I'm likely to be for a few months, I'm ditching the excuses and recommitting to being a sexy mid-twenties lady. I refuse to allow unemployment, laziness, and advancing age turn me into a bigger slob. Now I'm trying to figure out the perfect cardio playlist. Do y'all have any suggestions?

I hope y'all have a wonderful holiday, eat until you can't move, and take long, tryptophan-induced naps. 'Tis the season. 

Red flags while job hunting

As I've mentioned eleventy billion times, I'm hunting for a job. Most recently, I had a lead on a criminal defense position in a satellite office close to where I'm situated now. Since criminal law is ultimately where I want to end up, I applied and got an interview, which I attended and bitched about earlier. I also sent him a revamped appellate brief, which is actually pretty good.  And then I spent last night driving seven hours to make it to another pseudo-not-really-but-kinda-is-an-interview this morning.

And now that I've met with him, I can tell you I'm tired, disgusted, and pretty fucking disillusioned. But never fear...from my failings, I can give you some pointers on detecting red flags set forth by an employer (okay, just this employer). 

(For the record, I'm pathetically ridiculously proud of this image.)

Red Flag #1) Doesn't value your time

I got to his firm twenty minutes early, following a three-hour long car drive. After waiting forty-five minutes, I was told he was held up in court and couldn't make it. They also acknowledged that they were requesting something unusual that required the judge to clear the courtroom, which meant it would occur at the end of the docket. This tells me (a) this delay was entirely predictable and (b) even with this knowledge, no one cared enough to inform me about the almost-certain delay.

Red Flag #2) Lack of preparation

I try to give employers the benefit of the doubt on this one, particularly since they are typically inundated with resumes and cover letters and ALL THE THINGS. However, he hadn't read my resume, and spent the first ten minutes in silence reviewing it.

Awkward. Unnecessary. Story of my life.

Red Flag #3) Lack of interest in getting to know you

During my interview, he didn't ask me a single personal question. He also didn't listen to my answers, as evidenced by asking about several things I had already mentioned (not followups, either). I'm pretty awesome. Why wouldn't someone want to get to know me?!!?!?

Red Flag #4) Poor relationship with past employees

I shit you not, almost immediately after beginning my interview, this would-be employer (from now on called "WBE" for short) started loudly shit-talking the people that had formerly worked at this office. This shit-talking ranged from calling them terrible at their jobs to making veiled accusations that they somehow perpetuated fraud against his firm. I'm not just talking about one person--he talked shit about two previous associates AND his current law-clerk, whom he uses like his little Girl Friday.

Red Flag #5) Open demonstrations about lack of give-a-fuck regarding clients

This WBE invited me to meet him at the court for observation (I guess...the meaning wasn't super-clear to me, and remains rather elusive still). I got there, and within one minute, he tells me he arrived without the case file for his client. I can understand mistakes, but he's completely unapologetic about it. He's actually bordering on gleeful, telling both me and his client that he could be put in jail for being unprepared. I begin to wonder if this is part of his fucked up manipulation of the court system....

Red Flag #6) Lack of Discretion

I'm not sure what prompted this confession, but the WBE began to brag about blowing a .16 and being arrested, then making the DUI go away. There were (and still are) no words.

Red Flag #7) Tax Classifications

After my first meeting with this guy, I went to my CPA to discuss everything, and she equipped me with one question to ask him: would I be filing a 1099 or a W2? He told me today it'd be a 1099, which is for independent contractor status. When I asked how he would be showing the $2000 per month he'd be taking off for overhead, he told me it wouldn't show on my check and I wouldn't be able to write it off. He also told me I would be classified as an employee (which I don't think is feasible without much more worrisome tax implications), a status that is normally afforded a W2. I'm still confused about this.

Red Flag #8) Lack of "knowledge" about his firm

I don't care who you are. If the guy "in charge" begins to pretend or genuinely doesn’t know anything with regard to specifics about his firm, its incorporation, and tax/liability issues that may arise, then I don't really want to work for him. Because that's scary.

Red Flag #9) Use of offensive language

This is pretty self-explanatory. I'm in his office for three minutes today when he gets a phone call with bad news. He openly and explosively uses the term “mother fucker” several times. Unless you're Samuel L. Jackson "interviewing" someone, THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE in such a setting. (And I'm obviously no prude when it comes to offensive language, but there is a time and place, ladies and gentlemen!)

Red Flag #10) Asks for favors

This guy takes the cake with regard to the biggest WHAT THE FUCK moment I've probably ever had with a potential employer. While at home, I receive a call asking about the writing sample I've agreed to send him. Obviously, this is before any job offer has been made/considered. I explain I'm back home in the boondocks (another state away) for my little brother's livestock shows, and that I'll have to send it when I access high-speed internet (no joke, my parents still have dial-up).

After hearing I'm not in the state, he (hand to God) says, "Well, I guess that means you can't make an appearance for me in court tomorrow."

You're right. I can't. And I NEVER EVER WILL.

The end. 

Employment musings**

I don't know much about job offers. I do know that I'm REALLLLLY jonesing for employment. However, I don't think employers realize I'm not going to bend over and take it for the "privilege" of having a legal job.

I recently interviewed for a criminal defense job. And by interviewed, I mean I showed up prior to my interview time, waited for forty-five minutes, and was then told that the interviewer was in court and wouldn't be meeting with me (I'm sorry, did CELL PHONES CEASE TO FUNCTION IN THIS ALTERNATE DIMENSION OF JOB-HAVING?!?!).

They then asked me if I could reschedule. I told them no. I had driven three hours. And that I could WAIT for him to be done with court (because I understand about being held up in court. I really do, even though I look 15 and like I'm not even old enough to be a paralegal, much less a lawyer). After much harumphing, they agreed and told me that they would call me when he could meet with me later that day.

They then suggested I go to the mall to waste some time. Yeah....because I'm really going to strut around the mall in my power pantsuit and five inch patent leather heels. (I'm not going to pretend I wasn't insulted though I laughed it off at the time.)

So I went to the local Irish pub and had a grilled cheese. And didn't have a shot of their finest, no matter how much I was tempted.

Which sucked, because they then rescheduled for SIX FORTY-FIVE IN THE FUCKING EVENING.

Now, after my interview, I'm trying to figure out whether the first 2K toward overhead and making 50% on every buck after that is worth being employed. I wouldn't have health insurance, although malpractice insurance would be covered. I'm also pretty sure that his firm isn't incorporated, as I couldn't find it on the state registry, which makes me worried about general partnership and liability that may arise.

Does anyone have any advice about employment, benefits, and what is or is not a good/raw deal with regard to potential legal employment?

**I wrote this while under the influence of margaritas. Do not judge me.

Random thoughts on a Wednesday

1) I need this dress. Like, WHY THE HECK IS THIS DRESS NOT IN MY CLOSET? If anyone wants to buy it for me and pay for the (almost assuredly) ridiculous dry cleaning bill to try to maintain ALL THE PLEATS, I shall divulge my size to you.

(No...but really....)

2) Interviewed for a job a couple of days ago. It wasn't so bad, except I had to go in at 6:45 IN THE EVENING and due to the length of the interview, my mother thought I had been abducted by a band of thieves that wanted to sell me into sexual slavery. As a result of this interview, I've been revamping my appellate brief I wrote back in 2L year (which means I've been working strictly on the standard of review, which is really difficult for questions of mixed fact and law...) to send in as a writing sample.

(I'm pretty sure the answer for my particular problem is de novo with deference, in case you were wondering.)

3) The previously-mentioned job interview made me realize how little I know about tax implications. So I spoke to my awesome friend (whose blog is located here) who is receiving her LLM in tax, and also went to speak to my friendly neighborhood CPA. If anyone here is wondering if they should speak to people who know things about taxes.....the answer is yes. You should. Because those people rock. (Also, if you're thinking of going solo, wouldn't it be nice for you to know things about taxes/deductions/best method of incorporation before you jump into something feet first?)

4) I'm working on filling out the last bit of information for my patent bar. This was difficult mostly due to the fact that I have to locate EVERY ticket I've ever been given that was more than $100. Which is every ticket I've ever been given. (I'm lucky I'm young. They apparently don't have a date to stop at, although I'm sure 90 year olds didn't pay more than $100 for tickets until more recently....)

5) I'm also working on completing the last bit of my paperwork for the Texas Bar. Because I'm a masochist. Only thing left (if I'm not mistaken) is getting my fingerprints. Which leads me to think that I am going to make a checklist for future Texas bar examinees. For how much you have to pay the great state of Texas for the "privilege" of taking their test, you'd think they could maintain a more user-friendly, organized website. Of course, I'm not surprised.

On the prowl....

Rawr.

Job Search, Part 1 (Or: How the Job Search is Disgustingly Like Internet Dating)

One of my friends and I were conversing about the sad state of job hiring within the legal profession right now. This has prompted me to create a series about this all-too-familiar topic, which reminds me of internet dating. Part 1? From the employer's perspective. 

(Must be nice.)

Ermahgerd...I passed

Yesterday, Arkansas released the names of those who passed the bar exam. 

I was at my little brother's music lesson with a monstrous stress headache. Then the fire alarm went off, which I thought was probably the worst thing that could have happened to my poor, fragile little head. 

Until I tried to load the Arkansas Judiciary website. It was so clogged up that it wouldn't load. And my dad started text-ticking off minutes:

4:02

4:05

4:08

And then I got a congratulatory text from one of my really good friends. Even then I couldn't believe it. 

But it's true. I passed the Arkansas Bar Exam. 

My job search, illustrated by my illustrious LOLZ KATZ

So I'm gathering my documents together in anticipation of sending out a shitstorm's worth of resumes and cover letters in the next few days.

This means I'm looking for people that are ACTUALLY hiring. Which actually means that I'm sending out a shitton of resumes to ALL THE LAWYERS.

If this demand doesn't work, I'll probably be forced to pull out the big guns.

I've got all the qualities someone should want when hiring a law clerk/associate/gopher bitch:

1) I'm good at giving orders.

2) I'm a hard worker.

3) I am well-groomed.

Considering the state of the economy, I'm not going to hold my breath.

Now please excuse me while I sit in front of the mirror and repeat my special mantra.