I like your shoes. I'll give you two bucks for them.

I'm spending time at a regional negotiation competition this weekend, and I've begun to pick apart certain characteristics of my fellow competitors. The result....well, here you are. 

1) The ladies man - yes, he views this as a negotiation....for getting in your pants. He's the one with the metrosexual tie/hair combo and the overly shined shoes. Negotiating style? Slick....but nearly as slick as he thinks. 

2) Demure lady - she uses her lack of words against you in an attempt to have you blabber until the cows come home. Must....resist...the....temptation..... She's usually paired with an equally demure lady, or

3) The overly competitive former 1L gunner - this is typically a guy, and he's got something to prove. If you stand in his way, he will cut you. I'm waiting for my chance to engage in a no-blink-staredown contest with this fellow. Because I will set him ablaze. With my MIND. 

4) The couple - they came here together. They are dating or (at the very least) fuckbuddies. They have eaten, breathed, a sexed this problem for the past 27 days. They are literally about to come to fisticuffs by this time....or they've turned to toking to pretend they are not in this competition. 

5) The don'tgiveafuck - tired of being here. Tired of negotiating. Tired. 

6) The over-prepared - you would think this was the same as the retired gunner, but no. These people don't just have the law. They have the excel sheets on their computers at the hand with the formulas to turn their numbers into a final offer. Fuck them.

7) The Hillary - I once heard Hillary referred to as a snake. As in, she looked like she would unhinge her jaw at any time and swallow you whole. I can appreciate this, however terrifying it may be. 

8) Medicated/nonmedicated - these are the people either dosed up on Adderall or not...when they should be. They are talking a million miles an hour, bouncing around from subject to subject like monkeys on crack, and generally making my hand itch. 

All in all, though, I've been having a good time. We got in at a reasonable hour last night, had dinner at a delicious place, and our suite is GREAT. 

And while at that delicious restaurant, hanging out at the bar and waiting for a table, something even more delicious happened. I was drinking water. The bartender saw everyone in my group had drinks and made sure I didn't want something, to which I replied I didn't want an $11 drink I could get for $6 back at home.

And I received that drink. For $6.

How's that for a friggin' negotiation?

Clusterfuck

As a 3L, one would assume I've somehow managed to get my act together with regard to law school...

And they'd be wrong.

Without fail, I overload myself, overwork myself, underwork on things I should DEFINITELY be working on, and overall seemingly attempt to get my life as close to the description of clusterfuck as I possibly can. And that's just the beginning.

I spoke the other day about how things were starting to get hairy. I'm now freaking out about how little I feel like I've accomplished, and how much I still have left to do. I've got Trial Comp starting tomorrow and have to write a closing statement and finish a direct. I have witness prep also. Oh, and "senior pictures" tomorrow.

Let's not forget the teacher that is making my life a living hell by scheduling class to run til 6:00 instead of 5:00 (I'm leaving at 5:00, I've almost decided). And BOA, who has someone not related to the damn competition sending out emails and usurping my committee head by trying to call meetings regarding subjects he knows nothing about. Oh yeah, and the fact that I have clients coming in uninvited to talk to me about their cases. And trial in a WEEK where I'm repping a child against two felonies.

Add on top of that I have a friend's birthday party(esque) thing tonight, my house is a disaster, and I have approximately FIVE GAZILLION memos to file to write, and I'm starting to unravel a little. AND WE HAVE, LIKE, NINE WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT IN THIS SEMESTER.

But on the up side, I made my school's traveling negotiation team.

And Drop Dead Diva's finale is on tonight....

I should be President....

So I've been following the temper tantrums "discussions" within Congress regarding raising the debt ceiling and only one thing is for certain: both sides are acting like children. Surely they have to see that by shutting each other out and refusing to compromise in any way, shape, or form, they are only isolating themselves and distancing themselves that much further from reaching a deal. I've discussed negotiations and strategies in previous posts (one ranting, one recommending), and its obvious even to those who have never been exposed to the finer points of negotiations that they are doing it completely wrong. And I've reached an amicable agreement I wish they would come to (now keep in mind I'm no politician, and I very much so straddle the line)...

Raise the age for retirement benefits (which has been a long time in coming anyways...people are living to be OLD y'all)--which is a hit on the ole' mules Donkeys--AND get rid of some of the tax benefits for the super rich and multi-billion dollar corporations, especially those importing things in the country (great way to deal with outsourcing and you're leaving the middle class, even the upper middle class alone)--obviously hits the wallets and the heartstrings of the old snuffleupaguses Elephants.

As long as the Republicans are refusing any kind of package that increases taxes and as long as the Democrats are protectively shielding the entitlement programs, NOTHING.WILL.GET.DONE. I like my (imaginary) money as much as the next girl, and hope when I eventually earn some, that I will get to keep it. I hope for a day Congress will spend more responsibly and stop bailing out every damn Tom, Dick, and Harry that can't seem to manage free fucking enterprise. I also hope to one day see the Social Security that the federal government has withheld from my checks then gleefully spent on hookers and cocaine whatever the hell Congress wants to spend it on (because it certainly isn't on education, or roads, or an effective economic stimulus package).

Obama is trying...I'll give him that. But chastising Congress is not going to help (or spanking them, or giving them lollipops, but I digress).

He's extended an olive branch (with the entitlement suggestion). Democrats have tentatively put their toes in the water regarding the first deal they wanted to make. Now, Republicans, it's time to put on your big girl or boy panties, step up to the plate, and reach the only logical conclusion.

MY CONCLUSION.

Guide to Becoming A Savvy Negotiator....

Let's get this straight--I am by no means an "intelligent negotiator." However, I am definitely not a moron. Some people apparently seem to think a negotiation is about offering a deal and walking if you don't accept said deal. So let me break it down for the less savvy negotiator, Dr. Juris style:

1) Don't be a moron. This means when you walk into the negotiation, come in prepared. Don't shoot me a load of bullshit. I went to law school too, you know, and I can recognize a liar a mile away. And trust me, I don't appreciate you pissing on my foot and telling me it's raining.

2) Don't misrepresent material facts. This may seem like a no-brainer--if you lie, you are committing FRAUD. You are also being a humongous asshole. You'd be surprised at how few people think twice about misrepresenting something that has significant bearing upon the case or issue at hand. Be that person that considers their words carefully.

3) Don't speak just to hear yourself talk. You may think you are being nice. You may think you are engaging in idle chitchat. You are probably doing one of several bad things (1) confusing me; (2) laying all your cards on the table; (3) annoying me; (4) wasting time, both yours and mine; (5) giving me valuable information to use against you later in the negotiation. And when I use said information, please do not act like you didn't say this. Because I will use that against you too.

4) The best deal for your client doesn't necessarily have to be the worst deal for opposing counsel. This is self-explanatory. You should not go into the meeting with the intention of screwing the other person over. You should go into the meeting with the intention of getting the best possible deal for your client. Sometimes this means the opposing counsel gets screwed. Other times, it doesn't.

5) Don't play hardball--it is called a negotiation for a reason. Because your first offer should not be your last offer. And if you try to play that game, I'll kick your Boulware-loving ass out of my office so fast that your head will spin.

6) Be prepared to make an offer. A real offer. This isn't an "aspirational" offer. This isn't the offer that your opposing counsel would accept if he were being held at gun point. This is a feasible offer based on a principled rationale and backed up with logic. As an aside: please don't let the opposing side make all the offers and try to show you rational bases while you stick with playing the hardball I warned you about in #5. This isn't to say you can't start with a ridiculous number, but be prepared to come back down to planet Earth.

7) Arrange your interests in order, from most important to least important. Sure, everything is important, but some things are MORE important. You have to be willing to make concessions on the little things to get the big enchilada. Don't be prepared to walk away form the table for a small detail, either. That's stupid, frustrates the other side, and gives you a bad reputation.

8) Consult with your client. As per the rules of Professional Responsibility, you should relay the deal back to your client unless they have given you implicit authorization to go ahead with this deal. Even then, I would urge you to consult with your client (because we all now how unreasonable clients can be, right?). Better safe than sorry.

9) Don't assume. Yes, I am a woman. No, I do not have testicles. But I do have the capabilities to cut your testicles off and put them in my purse. Don't assume things about me, about the case, or about anything, really. It makes an ASS out of U (and as for ME, I will not be happy).

10) I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We don't have to be at each others' throats. It's okay to participate in some information sharing. Discuss client's interests. The rest will follow.

If all else fails, read "Getting to Yes." Breaking one or two of these rules is sometimes allowable (although I don't encourage it because if you do it to me, I will want to snap your neck). I will caution you that breaking these rules often will lead to a bad reputation and the possibility of being pushed in front of a bus. Negotiations are tricky business, and while the client's best interests reign supreme, you don't have to use assholish tactics to accomplish these ends.

If you are up against the rulebreaker, do us all a favor. Push them out the window.