Post-Bar Reflections

It's now been a week since I took the Arkansas Bar, and I figure it's about time for another blog entry. I figure it's easier to break it down in numbered lists, since I tend to think in a more linear fashion when doing so.

1) On Tuesday morning, I took the MPT. For those of you that don't know, this stands for "Multistate Performance Test," and it's essentially where the bar examiners give you a crap-ton of information and tell you to write a brief on it. Twice. 90 minutes per essay. The first one was great. It was about confrontation clause and evidentiary issues, and I had a blast. And I ultimately spent about 10 minutes too long on it. The second essay sucked. It was about nuisance (and let me tell you--I HATE TORTS!), and it didn't seem as if I could adequately match the facts I had with the eleventy billion elements required to make my argument. I didn't score too well on the second question, I'm afraid. But that's okay.

2) On Tuesday afternoon, I had the MEE to contend with. This stands for "Multistate Essay Examination" (I think, and if it doesn't, it should). I had six essays, and three hours total to figure it all out and write on it. Essay subjects were interesting, to say the least, and consisted of a TOTALLY lame LLC question that pretty much everyone hated, a wills question (which I loved--it wasn't too terribly bad), a domestic relations question in which grandparents wanted custody (good luck with that), a criminal law question about some dumbasses who spread marbles across a road (involuntary manslaughter? I think so), a secured transactions question that wasn't too terribly bad, and a civ pro question about a woman who hadn't reported sexual harassment in the workplace and whether a judge's decisions about the suit were appropriate.

3) Most people think the MEE is the shittiest portion. It definitely isn't fun beforehand, because you have a total of 12 testable subjects, and will only get 6 questions. Of those six questions, you may have mixed topics, topics that are VERRRRY minuscule in comparison to the rest of the information covered, or something that you may not have covered at all. You cannot bullshit your way through them like the MBE, because you don't have multiple choice answers upon which you can base your answer. In short, it's exhausting trying to prepare for it, and terrifying that you might have missed the areas of law that may be tested.

4) On Wednesday, I took the MBE (Multistate Bar Examination)--it's a 200 multiple choice exam divided up into two sessions. You have three hours to complete each of these sessions. Now, here's where my opinion differs from MANY other peoples' who took this exam: I didn't think it was that difficult. AND THAT SCARES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's always been the case that any time I walk out of an exam thinking it wasn't that bad....it was. I finished the morning exam with about 30 minutes remaining, and the afternoon portion with about 15 minutes remaining. This doesn't seem big, but plenty of people run out of time.

5) I think my surprise with MBE's questions arise from the fact that I considered BarBri's questions to be much more difficult/demoralizing. I felt like I was able to more easily identify the "tricks" certain bar questions were getting into, and I didn't think the questions were unfair, although I was SHOCKED by the number of questions that dealt with Secured Transactions (as this wasn't *technically* a testable MBE subject). Ultimately, I'm more afraid about the fact that I didn't leave this exam afraid.

I will find out my scores on my birthday, August 31. This is one of the shortest turnaround times in the country, for which I'm thankful. However, I'm afraid I'm going to have a very shitty 25th birthday, if for no other reason than because I have to wait until 4:00 to receive my results. If I fail, I'll retake the examination. It truthfully wasn't that bad--it was much worse because you don't know what to expect, rather than because of the subject matter. Studying is never any fun, particularly when it consumes your entire summer. However, it's necessary (and if done correctly, doesn't have to overwhelm your life, in my opinion). I hope everyone else had a reasonably okay testing experience, and I hope we all make it out as bona fide lawyers.

Anyone else have any thoughts on the bar exam?

Obviously, I was bullied....

Today in my Juvenile Justice class, a girl gave a presentation regarding cyberbullying. Now, I'm no angel, but when I was a kid, I knew right from wrong. I also defend juveniles, so I'm not inherently against them nor do I judge them for their alleged "transgressions." In fact, most the time I think the prosecutor overreaches for their charges and the police use their authority to intimidate kids into confessions.

Another note: I'm a decently jaded person. That being said, today, I was pretty demoralized about the general lack of compassion or character my classmates have regarding the subject of bullying.

People were quick to classify it as "horseplay." Or as "just telling the truth." Or as "kids being kids."

They also said that we had all done it.

I'm sorry, but some of us had parents who would have whooped their asses if they tormented other kids. And some kids just have a fucking heart without the fear of potential ass-whoopings.

Maybe when you bully someone, it makes you feel good. I know when I hurt someone's feelings, it generally makes me feel like a piece of shit.

Let's not make excuses for what has now been classified as criminal behavior. Address the problem.

Because they know it's wrong.

And so do you.

"The Plan"

I'll go ahead and admit that I'm not always the most loved person in class. I like to bullshit with the teachers, have an opinion on a lot of subjects, and sit in the front row. I'm essentially a gunner sans the annoying asking questions part of the equation (which I would argue is essential to being a gunner and thus excludes me from their ranks). I'd also argue that I'm not a gunner because my seating on the front row stems from years of being unable to see the chalkboard because of my lack of VISION (you can re-read that blog entry here, if you want to inform yourself about how I'm blind and all) and not due to my need for the professor to see my hand. What you don't understand is that this is all part of the plan.

Let me explain: I had a couple classes I did not like my 1L year. Sure, the material wasn't that difficult, but I hated the subject. During those classes, I would make comments. And then I noticed something...because I spoke, then the teacher would NEVER CALL ON ME. EVEN WHEN I WAS UNPREPARED. (Which was essentially all the time...who am I kidding?) I went through Contracts 1 and 2 without EVER.BEING.CALLED.UPON. (And this is a lady who literally checked people off as she went along.)

Genius, right?

........Right?..................

Now, about my personality and the realization that doing this could make me potentially unpopular........

Let's not kid ourselves--law students are a particularly annoying bunch of people. The people that generally sat at the front of the classrooms in undergrad. The students that asked follow-up questions and made sometimes-astute-observations regarding the subject at hand. The type A personalities that freaked out and did the group presentation work all on their own. The type B personalities that fucked up your curve...quietly.

The people bitching about gunners now were almost certainly that bunch in undergrad.

And they can kiss my law-loving ass.

(Although I am inclined to want to bodyslam anyone who talks with 30 seconds remaining before the class ends.)

Adderall is NOT for all

A few months ago, I became highly incensed at someone over at the Bitter Lawyer's blog when she referenced the casual and illegal use of Adderall, then discussed how she was in constant search of a prescription (you can find that blog here). My response went something like this (okay, exactly like this):

This makes me sick. I’m mostly very easygoing about most subjects, but it pisses me off when people abuse prescription drugs to gain an advantage over other people. People that actually need Adderall face a negative stigma because of people like you–those that abuse it just to churn out the work.

If you need Adderall, that is one thing. But to shamelessly act as if you are entitled to it because you want to get ahead? It, quite frankly, pisses me off. 

Now allow me to explain why I get so angry about this particular subject. Two years ago, I began law school. I have always been highly hyperactive, although for the most part, I used my excess energy to achieve other things. Many assumed I was medicated, and many others recommended that I medicate (to which I always politely asked where they received their medical degrees and why they were working in such a low-paying field since they were a DOCTOR). But I digress...


As I said, I began law school two years ago. I loved it. I still do. Loved everything about it...including the people....all of them....for approximately 2.5 months.

Then it went downhill really, really, REALLY quickly.

You see, most people don't understand that ADHD comes in three different types: inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive, and combined. For the most part, when people think of ADHD, they think of children bouncing all over the damn walls asking too many questions and never paying attention. That's combined ADHD, and the most common type, which is why most people think of it when ADHD comes to mind.

I am hyperactive-impulsive ADHD. I'm no longer ashamed of it. For a very long time, I assumed my symptoms were merely due to a Type A personality. It wasn't until I went to law school and began to run into the severe social stigma associated with these symptoms that I began realizing it could potentially be a problem. Hence the downhillishness (which was straight up Elle Woods style--aka: take your damn muffins and go away; we don't want you in our study group). In fact, most people do not realize that many people diagnosed with ADHD do not medicate to focus better, but to become more acceptable and in-line with societal expectations.

I finally broke when I had a group of "mean girl" law students (and I'm talking women in their 20's and 30's) send a "representative" mean girl over to one of my few friends to tell her if my "behavior" continued, then they would be contacting the teacher of a particular class to essentially tattle on me.

This came shortly after the beginning of my second semester in law school. Grades had been announced, and (SURPRISE) I had not done nearly as well as I would have liked. I had approximately two friends in law school, and had been abandoned by all of my initial group of friends when the hustle began for first semester final exam studying.

Mind you, my behavior was not over the top. However, hyperactivity and impulsiveness is not easily managed, and pisses a few people off. Although I would argue others should really (REALLY) become more tolerable to the differences in others and should strive to accept others, the harsh reality was that my symptoms, although acceptable to almost everyone around me, had a couple of others willing to come forward and essentially try to ruin my life.

I went to the psychology center on campus and started testing for my problems with Tom, an incredible grad student who didn't just test, but also dug in depth to my past and current problems. (A lot of people are also misdiagnosed with ADHD when they really have depression, FYI.) I explained to him how unfair I thought it was that I was the one who should be considering medicine, when others should have just considered tolerance, and that's when his counseling came in. If anyone has seen the Glee episode where Emma speaks to a Psychiatrist/Psychologist (fittingly, from the episode named "Acceptance"), his speech was VERY similar to that. However, he was a bit more understanding as well, because he said IT WASN'T FAIR. It shouldn't be me who has to change. He explained to me in many ways, my brain had already rewired to get along more easily in society. He was the one who explained to me how many people who are ADHD medicate in order to meet societal expectations (for those of you that think it's about studying or paying attention in class...it's a LOT more than that). And it's because of him I was officially diagnosed ADHD....

Hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, to be exact. That means that I have trouble controlling my impulses (like speaking out in class or eating six cupcakes when I'm not hungry). It means that I go at a faster speed than a lot of people. And yes, sometimes I do have trouble concentrating, because I have impulses to do OTHER THINGS. Or because I get so caught up on one little detail, that I miss the big picture (which is hell on a law school exam).

Because of my diagnosis, I was now able to speak to a psychiatrist about medicine. I did go to one on campus, and he was also incredible. We spoke at length about how I didn't want to medicate and become another person. I told him I didn't want medicine just to be able to do better in school. And I also expressed (again) my frustration regarding others' reactions around me.

I'm now on a low-dosage of Adderall. In some ways, it has helped immensely. I can sit down and listen to a teacher without feeling the need to ask questions. I don't get hung up on the small details nearly as much anymore. And I still feel like myself.

But let me tell you, it should never have come down to others FORCING me to take action because of my symptoms. I should never have been made to feel like a terrible person because of things I couldn't help. And even though the medicine does help, it still incenses me that I broke down in tears many times because of a bunch of mean girls threatening me about something over which I had no control.

I didn't intend for this blog to become my own personal story about my battles with Attention Hyperactivity Deficit Disorder, but now that it's out, I feel a lot better. If you are having problems, I urge you to seek counseling. Medicine is not everything, and does not heal all, but talking to someone definitely does.

And it's nothing to feel ashamed about.