Day 1 of TBE in review....

Today was the first (half) day of the Texas Bar Examination. All things considered, I think I did okay. MPT wasn't difficult, only missed a few Texas civ/criminal procedure/evidence questions, and I left 15 minutes early.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), leaving 15 minutes early meant I missed some Texas Bar Exam drama. Apparently one of the test-takers asked to go to the bathroom during the last 15 minutes of the test. This is a no-no (might as well call it that, considering we're being treated like children). No one gets up during the last 15 minutes. No one is allowed to leave. Don't ask me why; it's just how it is.

So this guy throws a hissy and WHIPS OUT HIS DICK AND PISSES IN A ZIPLOC BAG. Yeah, you read that right. He withdrew his penis from his pants and emptied his bladder in the Ziploc he brought his things in. Then he apparently gathered all his shit, tossed that Ziploc on the ground, and peaced out...all during the 15 minute lockdown.

Aside from the obvious lack of social skills that somehow made this guy presume that withdraw his willy in public is a perfectly acceptable thing to do, I think a bigger issue remains....someone has to pick up that bag of piss.

So yeah. All things considered, I wasn't that person. I'm going to deem this day as a win.

(My friend Zilly was a row in front of this guy and saw the piss, and describes it so much better than I. Check out her account of things, INCLUDING HOW SHE WAS ABLE TO SMELL IT, here.)

Sad, but true....

The problem with having a law license in one jurisdiction while taking the bar exam in another....

Oh? You don't think I'm smart enough to practice in your state?

Motivation....lacking. 

Red flags while job hunting

As I've mentioned eleventy billion times, I'm hunting for a job. Most recently, I had a lead on a criminal defense position in a satellite office close to where I'm situated now. Since criminal law is ultimately where I want to end up, I applied and got an interview, which I attended and bitched about earlier. I also sent him a revamped appellate brief, which is actually pretty good.  And then I spent last night driving seven hours to make it to another pseudo-not-really-but-kinda-is-an-interview this morning.

And now that I've met with him, I can tell you I'm tired, disgusted, and pretty fucking disillusioned. But never fear...from my failings, I can give you some pointers on detecting red flags set forth by an employer (okay, just this employer). 

(For the record, I'm pathetically ridiculously proud of this image.)

Red Flag #1) Doesn't value your time

I got to his firm twenty minutes early, following a three-hour long car drive. After waiting forty-five minutes, I was told he was held up in court and couldn't make it. They also acknowledged that they were requesting something unusual that required the judge to clear the courtroom, which meant it would occur at the end of the docket. This tells me (a) this delay was entirely predictable and (b) even with this knowledge, no one cared enough to inform me about the almost-certain delay.

Red Flag #2) Lack of preparation

I try to give employers the benefit of the doubt on this one, particularly since they are typically inundated with resumes and cover letters and ALL THE THINGS. However, he hadn't read my resume, and spent the first ten minutes in silence reviewing it.

Awkward. Unnecessary. Story of my life.

Red Flag #3) Lack of interest in getting to know you

During my interview, he didn't ask me a single personal question. He also didn't listen to my answers, as evidenced by asking about several things I had already mentioned (not followups, either). I'm pretty awesome. Why wouldn't someone want to get to know me?!!?!?

Red Flag #4) Poor relationship with past employees

I shit you not, almost immediately after beginning my interview, this would-be employer (from now on called "WBE" for short) started loudly shit-talking the people that had formerly worked at this office. This shit-talking ranged from calling them terrible at their jobs to making veiled accusations that they somehow perpetuated fraud against his firm. I'm not just talking about one person--he talked shit about two previous associates AND his current law-clerk, whom he uses like his little Girl Friday.

Red Flag #5) Open demonstrations about lack of give-a-fuck regarding clients

This WBE invited me to meet him at the court for observation (I guess...the meaning wasn't super-clear to me, and remains rather elusive still). I got there, and within one minute, he tells me he arrived without the case file for his client. I can understand mistakes, but he's completely unapologetic about it. He's actually bordering on gleeful, telling both me and his client that he could be put in jail for being unprepared. I begin to wonder if this is part of his fucked up manipulation of the court system....

Red Flag #6) Lack of Discretion

I'm not sure what prompted this confession, but the WBE began to brag about blowing a .16 and being arrested, then making the DUI go away. There were (and still are) no words.

Red Flag #7) Tax Classifications

After my first meeting with this guy, I went to my CPA to discuss everything, and she equipped me with one question to ask him: would I be filing a 1099 or a W2? He told me today it'd be a 1099, which is for independent contractor status. When I asked how he would be showing the $2000 per month he'd be taking off for overhead, he told me it wouldn't show on my check and I wouldn't be able to write it off. He also told me I would be classified as an employee (which I don't think is feasible without much more worrisome tax implications), a status that is normally afforded a W2. I'm still confused about this.

Red Flag #8) Lack of "knowledge" about his firm

I don't care who you are. If the guy "in charge" begins to pretend or genuinely doesn’t know anything with regard to specifics about his firm, its incorporation, and tax/liability issues that may arise, then I don't really want to work for him. Because that's scary.

Red Flag #9) Use of offensive language

This is pretty self-explanatory. I'm in his office for three minutes today when he gets a phone call with bad news. He openly and explosively uses the term “mother fucker” several times. Unless you're Samuel L. Jackson "interviewing" someone, THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE in such a setting. (And I'm obviously no prude when it comes to offensive language, but there is a time and place, ladies and gentlemen!)

Red Flag #10) Asks for favors

This guy takes the cake with regard to the biggest WHAT THE FUCK moment I've probably ever had with a potential employer. While at home, I receive a call asking about the writing sample I've agreed to send him. Obviously, this is before any job offer has been made/considered. I explain I'm back home in the boondocks (another state away) for my little brother's livestock shows, and that I'll have to send it when I access high-speed internet (no joke, my parents still have dial-up).

After hearing I'm not in the state, he (hand to God) says, "Well, I guess that means you can't make an appearance for me in court tomorrow."

You're right. I can't. And I NEVER EVER WILL.

The end. 

Legal job prospects really aren't looking so good

....which is why I made a chart about it, rather than crying some more while on the phone with a fellow unemployed friend sitting here moping about it.

As you can see, I'm on anger, although it swings wildly between rage and depression. I got rejected twice in the past 24 hours for two jobs I really wanted.

(Bastards.)

More advice for 0L and 1Ls....

I was recently asked by a friend who is applying for law school this next year a multitude of questions about applying for law school, as well as what law school is actually like once you get there. I decided I might as well write a simple (less sarcastic than normal) piece on what I wish I had known when I entered law school and things that people will never tell you or might tell you and you will write off (like I probably did). Hell, I might even save you some money too. I'm sure you'll also read some stuff that you've already heard. Take heed, 0Ls....

1) Take the LSAT any time other than June/October. Preferably the winter A YEAR AND A HALF before you hope to enter law school. The LSAT is scaled, you see, so your scores are directly compared to those students taking it at the same time as you. "Good" law school prospects who do things by the book (and are typically well-prepared and smart) like to take it in June and October, because it's according to the proper timeline. Slackers like to take it in December (and February), so you're scaled against people who might not do as well, because of lack of preparation. Of course, this means you need to be ultra-crazy-ridiculously ahead, but there you have it...

2) Do not buy all your books before you get to school. I have a few books I never opened, because the professors depended on their own powerpoints and absolutely nothing out of the book other than cases (which can be looked up and printed on your own time). Instead, ask some upperclassmen (who are preferably of a prudent nature) which teachers require stringent reading and which are more lax and less likely to use the book.

3) DO NOT buy case briefs. If you have Lexis and Westlaw at your fingertips that will do it for you for free, why the HELL would you consider buying a "guide" that briefs the cases for you? Instead, buy some study aids that explain the subject themselves, because the rules are going to be tested, not the particular cases you studied. I loved Emanuel's Crunchtime for the criminal classes, and In a Nutshell for the more outline-friendly classes (like Con Law and any procedural class). Also as helpful: outlines from students who did well in the class before you, and the professor's own testbanks, which may be provided depending upon which school you attend.

4) 90% of the time, law school is only as hard as you make it. I'm the ridiculous one who liked to participate in the competitions and clinics. This means it was more difficult for me. If you are on law review or aiming for being the top person in your class, law school will probably be more difficult for you. However, law school is only TRULY hard around deadline days. This means deadlines for papers/required oral arguments and for finals. I know some people who never read a friggin case, and they passed. It most certainly was not with flying colors, but the point is that they never broke a sweat and somehow still managed to walk across that stage with the rest of us who had minor breakdowns throughout law school.

5) If you are going to choose a semester to kick some ass and take some names, it had better be your first semester in law school. Plenty of people (ahem: my career services lady in particular) told us the first week that grades are only one thing prospective employers look at when making hiring decisions. Except for your first summer job, when people are making their hiring decisions, it's typically in March. You know...before you get your second semester's worth of grades. And before you can really become active within your school. Or really do anything. So YES, THE FIRST HIRING DECISIONS ARE ALMOST SOLELY BASED UPON YOUR FRIGGIN PERFORMANCE YOUR FIRST SEMESTER. (And who you know. Unfortunately, I know no one.)

I'm keeping it short and sweet, or as short and sweet as I can make it, although if you have any questions, shoot me an email, g-chat me, or just pose it in the comments section of this blog.

Good luck.

Job Search, Part 1 (Or: How the Job Search is Disgustingly Like Internet Dating)

One of my friends and I were conversing about the sad state of job hiring within the legal profession right now. This has prompted me to create a series about this all-too-familiar topic, which reminds me of internet dating. Part 1? From the employer's perspective. 

(Must be nice.)

Sometimes I amaze myself...

So I learned how to make gifs....and I was like

There goes my studying....

The Eager Beaver

It is my fondest wish that people who do this:

A. Go color blind
B. Fall off a cliff
C. Break both hands in a tragic chainsaw competition accident
D. Flunk their patent law test
E. All of the above

See how I highlighted JUST ONE THING? Because everything highlighted=nothing highlighted.

Moron.

Not enough hours in the day.....

The end of school is rapidly approaching, and I'm confronting life with all the grace of a lumbering wildebeest and the social skills of a velociraptor.

I have three finals in the course of a week, six memos to finish for ONE clinic, final hours for a judicial externship, a 10 page paper for the aforementioned judicial externship, and OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE..................

My heightened surliness was recently remarked upon by my mother, Mad Maxine, who has a velociraptor approach in every avenue of life (thus making her observations that much more poignant).

Max: you've gotta relax a little bit. You've been bitchier than ever lately. What calms you down?
Me: Tequila.
Max: No, seriously.
Me: I am being serious. Tequila.
Max: Okay....
Me: So what do you suggest?
Max: Tequila.


If you need me, I'll be under my desk clutching my bff bottle.

Your guide to an open-book law final.....

Law students like to make a big deal over not having to study as hard for open book/notes-allowable finals. To them I say "Are you FUCKING NUTS?????"


You see, it has been my experience that professors with those types of finals take this as a challenge.

A challenge to cram as much material possible into a three and a half hour long exam.
A challenge to make it into a 60 multiple choice exam with 3 long essay questions.
A challenge to cram eleventy billion issues into a 30 page essay question.

These professors are ruthless. They have no conscience. They consider torturing poor law students during the holiday season to be the star on top of their damn Christmas trees (or the candles in their menorahs, if you will....)

But there is hope. If, at the beginning of the school year, you actually read their syllabus, there are certain techniques you can utilize to beat these sadists at their own game. Behold the glory:

1) Highlight anything they discuss at length in class. Yes, this requires you to listen. But if they go over it and over it in class, you can pick their favorite shit and regurgitate it during the exam. They love this.

2) Tab the important cases. If they EVER say "this is a landmark case," then you can bet your sweet bippy it will be on the exam. Be prepared. Brief that shit (Westlaw should suffice), write it in the columns, and write a few cases that may also be relevant after it's over. You'll be glad you did.

3) Be aware of the notes. After the cases are the true test landminds--hypos and cases that didn't make it to front and center. These are dangerous, and much more likely to show up in an exam than the cases you were required to brief. Take an interest in these cases. Fuck the real reading--read this instead.

4) When creating your outline, make a table of contents. A lot of these exams depend on how well you can cross-reference, not how well you can write. This means to number your pages, be able to go from one topic to the other in a pinch, and GET THERE QUICKLY. Table of contents enable this.

5) Write page numbers in your outlines. You know how you highlighted your shit earlier? PUT PAGE NUMBERS THROUGHOUT YOUR OUTLINES--that way you can open your book to the information, your notes to the information, and cross-reference to your little heart's desire.

6) Prepare your answers. This is good for any final, but especially for those finals you can bring materials to. Write your CRuPAC, or whatever weird mnemonic device you've been taught, and then fill in the rest. This saved my ass in Civ Pro.

Yeah, this isn't rocket science, but it's also not necessarily things you think about until you're under the gun in the test you walked into with the mindset that it won't be that bad. Guess what? IT IS THAT BAD. As State Farm commercials say, don't be a Jerry. 15 minutes or less could save you from cold sweats later (okay, I used Geico commercials too). All's I know is I don't want to be the guy who drove his car up a fucking pole.

It's embarrassing.

And completely unnecessary.

I'm pretty sure this cover letter covers it all......

Click on it to make it bigger. Happy Hump Day.

--Dr. J

Closing arguments--don't try this in court.....

Participated in a closing argument contest recently. Of course, I won nothing....unless you include fodder for future blogs and a future nod in the Karma department to be winning. Considering the level of losing I've been achieving lately, I'm losing faith in the usually-comforting Karma (aka: since I keep losing, surely I'll eventually win at something....right? RIGHT?!?!?!?)

So, in order to supplement your advice on how to lose in a trial competition, let me tell you some of the things that apparently win closing arguments: (and I only wish I were kidding)

1) Do not introduce yourself to the court. EVER. It will then be your fault that they are unsure of the name they should engrave on your winning trophy.

2) Don't ever please the court. Forget tradition. Screw respect. LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT. I DON'T NEED YOUR PLEASES! If you must do this, I recommend the line "Would it please the court to kiss my ass." 

3) Do not ask that they return a specific verdict. Particularly if you're asking for a verdict of not guilty. You DEFINITELY don't want to ask that your client be freed from prison due to his innocence. Surely not.

4) Sarcasm=winning. The judges LOVE sarcasm. They lap that shit up. I'd even suggest a little Bon Qui Qui head snap and finger jerk to show them some real attitude. 

5) Offending the jury? THAT'S A-OKAY! Especially with regard to money: "The prosecution will assert the defendant killed the victim over a measly two thousand dollars." (I'd slit your throat for a candy bar, but that's neither here nor there.) If you could also possibly throw in a racial epithet somewhere, I'm sure they'd award you a couple of bonus points.

6) Fake some sort of illness or disability. I recommend wearing your arm in a sling. Or perhaps a jaunty eyepatch. 

7) If you are a girl, WEAR YOUR HAIR IN YOUR FACE. Ever so often, play with it. If you are a guy with long hair, I also recommend this. 

8) Lie about your level of learning! (No this did not happen, but I fully advocate telling them you are a 2L rather than 3L, since they are sure to view the aforementioned advice and mistakes as a charming indication of your lack of legal finesse and score you higher because of it.)

Happy Monday, everyone.

Poor Decision-Making Lawyers of Tomorrow (PDMLT)

My very first day in my Legal Writing class, my classmates and I were expected to stand up and tell everyone else our name, where we were from, our undergrad degree choice, and why we chose law school. Below are a list of reasons people gave...(and my reasons for shooting many of these rationales down)

1) "I want to help people"--while this is certainly a worthwhile endeavor, many burn out before they even truly get started. If you want to help people, you need to reassess this job, because the law isn't fair, and sometimes it isn't even just. Bleeding hearts? They break.

2) "I want to make money'--HA. If you do, somehow, make 120K a year, I hope you like NOT having a life. And doing menial work. And generally not having time to enjoy the money you've made. Of course, considering how difficult it is to even obtain a job, the amount of money ain't exactly enticing.

3) "My parents are both lawyers"--Maybe you'll at least have a job after law school. You'll also be practicing in their shadows for the rest of your life. Or have to listen to them talk about how you messed something up.

4) "I like to argue"--So does my mom. That doesn't mean she's schlepping off to law school every single day. This is probably the stupidest reason EVER to go to law school. You want to force others to put up with your bad habits because you believe it's necessary to the practice of law? Ever heard the phrase you catch more flies with honey? Well, I'm not in the business of catching flies, but if I were, I wouldn't be doing it by screaming at them.

5) "I've wanted to do this since I was 5 years old"--I wanted to be a unicorn when I was five years old. What do five year olds know, anyway?

6) "I didn't want to have to look for a job in this shitty economy"--legitimate enough, but have you read about the job opportunities that await us after law school? They're not looking so hot. And now you have an extra 70K of law school debt riding on your shoulders. 

7) "I can't do anything with a degree in Women's Studies"--again, true, but why the hell didn't you think of this BEFORE you finished undergrad? I've also found that people going to law school because their undergrad degree sucks are generally not that interested in the practice of law.

And my favorite one (and probably the most legitimate reason for one of my incredible peer's decision to enroll)?

8) "Have you ever seen My Cousin Vinny?"