Things not to say to unemployed, job-seeking attorneys

I wrote this post back in October, never dreaming that nearly a seven months later, I'd still be without a job. But here I am, and here it is. At the time, I was rubbed raw about a comment about my unemployment, and wrote this as a response. However, I didn't post it because I feared repenting in leisure. Today, I'm not angry. I'm not upset about anyone's words. And I'm really glad most of my friends have jobs. I will admit I'm extremely frustrated about my self-perceived lack of forward momentum and the way I feel stuck in neutral while the rest of the world passes me by. I yearn for a sense of autonomy. A sense of purpose. And let's not forget actually having cash on hand. Regardless, I think this is a good and somewhat funny post and it seems a shame to let it lay around in my drafts folder. 

Also, enjoy this excellent gif of how I react when anyone tries to tell me about what I should be doing differently during my job hunt: 

Just...no.

JOBLESS AND HOPELESS: 

 Some of y'all out there don't realize how much your words may hurt. Allow me to bring that to your attention...............

Things Not to Say to Newly Minted, Unemployed, Job-Seeking Attorneys

1. “Why don’t you just work pro bono for a while?”
   
   
    OMG, I’D LOVE TO WORK PRO BONO. I’m assuming you’ll be paying for my malpractice insurance in case someone sues me? No? Oh, then you’ll pay any court costs that arise for my clients who cannot pay filing fees and cannot get them waived? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP.
   
   
2. “Wow. After seeing how hard of a time you’re having finding gainful employment, I’m so glad I’ve got a job!”
   
   
   I do not care how well-meaning you are. This comes across as smug. And offensive. And generally douchey. And quite frankly, I’m not sure how you think comparing your employment to my PROFESSIONAL LIFE SUCKING is supposed to be (a) supportive, (b) empathetic, or (c) appropriate in any setting.
   
   
3. “What are you doing wrong?”::deep breath:: I really don’t want to have this conversation with you. I also REALLY don’t want to rip your head off. If I’m doing anything wrong, it’s surrounding myself with assholes like you. But seriously, I invite you to look at legal employment statistics, right now: here, here, and here. Then I invite you to shut the fuck up.
4. “You can open your own practice! It will be easy!”
   
   
   I’ll forgive you for your ignorance this one time. Firms cost money. And I’m unemployed. And I don’t have malpractice insurance. And I don’t have any forms. And I’ve never practiced law before, so my potential for screwing this up is remarkably high. I also can’t afford a legal search engine. And I’m scared. And did I mention I have no money?!?!
   
   
5. ::quotes depressing employment statistic::
   
   
   Good for you! You read the above links and know about unemployment in America! Again, how is it supposed to make us feel any better? If anything, it makes us feel worse, because we’re now a statistic, and these numbers don’t offer anything in way of improving our situation.
6. “Maybe you should lower your expectations.”

   You’re absolutely right! I should work at Footlocker! Or for no money! And no benefits! Also, I should absolutely welcome sexual harassment from the skeezy guy that’s offered me a great “business opportunity.” Look, buddy: I’m not looking for a $100,000 per year job. I just want to get paid for my work. And I’d like to work in a field where I’m utilizing the degree for which I’m currently paying student loans. If my expectations get any lower, I might as well cut up my cardboard box and get out my Sharpie marker. 

Being unemployed and looking is hard. I’ve applied for a lot of jobs. I’ve been rejected by all of them in some fashion. I know many people are well-meaning, and just as many just don’t think before they open their mouths. However, it hurts. My first student loan bill just came in. And if you don’t think I had a mini-breakdown thinking about my inability to repay these debts, then you’d be wrong.

None of us like to show how much this continuous rejection hurts. I like to make funny posts about my bevvy of job-hunting fails because it minimizes the fear and upset and confusion and uncertainty. We also don’t like to tell you to shut up, because a lot of times it’s the people closest to us that are making these comments.

So please, before you try to “empathize” with new (or even old) lawyers that cannot find a job, think about the comment you’re about to make. If it’s anything other than “I’m really sorry” or “I hope things start looking up for you,” then don’t say it. Treat us like we’ve just suffered some great loss. Because we have. We have lost our confidence. And our faith.

And even though we know it will eventually get better, it doesn’t minimize the enormity of now. 

No, she doesn't leap buildings with a single bound...because she isn't GIVEN THE CHANCE. 

Let's talk about the southern stereotype

I grew up in the south. The deep south. As in, there is no question that I'm living well below the Mason Dixon line. My dad subscribes to the Obama birther theory, and my family is funded by "Big Red" (aka: my dad works for a very well-known oil company). I originally hail from a town that stages a battle reenactment each year. I competed in beauty pageants, some of which required me to dress as a Southern belle.

No I was not a debutante. I earned my crowns with poise, talent,
and by prancing around on stage in a swimsuit,
not familial connections, thankyouverymuch.

Growing up, I took up for the underdog. I defended the "geeks," was ostracized by the cool kids, and used to go home crying due to wearing my heart on my sleeve (until my mom told me to tell them I would punch them in the face if they messed with me again. When I asked what if they kept on, she told me to go ahead and actually punch them in the face and that she would deal with the consequences).

And although I'm southern through and through, I'm also a registered Democrat, extremely pro-choice and pro-gay-everything, and am not particularly religious. I also try to keep my mouth shut, because God knows I don't appreciate it when people begin to espouse on their religious/political principles. It has taken me years to cull down my Facebook friends so I don't have to view Glen Beck nonsense. But sometimes they sneak through, and I cringe. Sometimes I just have to open my mouth and speak out against this ignorance.

Just to be clear: I'm speaking of the people that give all southerners a bad name. Do I own a gun? Yes. Would I shoot someone to defend myself? Hell yes. At the same time, I'm also capable of higher-level thinking. Just because I own a gun and believe I should be allowed to own a gun doesn't mean that the privilege of owning one suddenly becomes absolute. I fail to see how a background check will make it impossible to obtain a gun. It will hopefully just make it a little bit harder for criminals to obtain their guns, although (yes) they may end up with one anyways. But by no means does it prevent law-abiding citizens from getting their little grubby hands on a Ruger.

Another favorite I encounter quite a lot: anyone who thinks their state can opt out of federal legislation using the tenth amendment. Or, as I like to call them....idiots who are aware there is a Constitution, but who have not actually read it. Even better? Idiots who have read the Constitution but fail to acknowledge that there is a Supreme Court who expounds upon fundamental rights and other pesky interpretive viewpoints of this living body of law. Or that thinks the Supreme Court should just be done away with. These people exist. I swear.

And when there are attacks against the United States, these people come out in droves. Let me correct myself. When there are attacks against the United States by someone who doesn't look like them, they come out in droves. When there was the Aurora shooting, yes, they were sympathetic, but I mostly heard stuff like "If they had a concealed carry, they could have defended themselves, rabble rabble rabble." (You know, because I can TOTALLY see through smoke bombs to target the one person dressed all in black in a dark movie theatre to pick off.) In the wake of the Boston Marathon Massacre, I've heard everything from "he shouldn't have any rights" to "he should be classified as an enemy combatant" (never mind that we are NOT at war with his country and that he wasn't perpetuating an act of war on behalf of his country). I've also heard a lot of Islamaphobic rants about Muslims.

Let me be clear: this is not all southerners. However, these are the ones that appear on FoxNews talking about picking up their pitchforks and tar and feathers. These are the ones who drive around with a rebel flag painted on the back of their pickup trucks. These are the ones who CLING to their Second Amendment rights, but think it's perfectly okay to deny other United States citizens their due process rights just on the basis of their religion or skin color (for your personal knowledge, those are the rights guaranteed to you by the 14th and 5th Amendments). And it drives me nuts.

I'm tired of reading about my home state crafting a bill to allow gay people to be fired just for being gay. I'm tired of reading about the most recent state I lived in disallowing abortions past the time of basically 2 months, using faulty science and completely disregarding the fact that it is unconstitutional to do so. I'm tired of the endless rants on rights, but the hypocrisy demonstrated in lifting these rights from someone who isn't like you (e.g..: white, "middle classed", men, etc.).

Southerners, you need to do better. And for those of you who are southerners who don't ascribe to these qualities, you need to speak up. Educate others. I'm not saying pissing contests are desirable, but no one will ever alter their behavior if you refuse to speak up when someone uses the N word in your presence. Or if you won't address them when they start speaking about Islam while knowing nothing about it. Maybe it won't help, but maybe someone will learn something. And if nothing else, at least you can sleep at night.

But what the hell do I know? I'm just a Southerner. 

Employment musings**

I don't know much about job offers. I do know that I'm REALLLLLY jonesing for employment. However, I don't think employers realize I'm not going to bend over and take it for the "privilege" of having a legal job.

I recently interviewed for a criminal defense job. And by interviewed, I mean I showed up prior to my interview time, waited for forty-five minutes, and was then told that the interviewer was in court and wouldn't be meeting with me (I'm sorry, did CELL PHONES CEASE TO FUNCTION IN THIS ALTERNATE DIMENSION OF JOB-HAVING?!?!).

They then asked me if I could reschedule. I told them no. I had driven three hours. And that I could WAIT for him to be done with court (because I understand about being held up in court. I really do, even though I look 15 and like I'm not even old enough to be a paralegal, much less a lawyer). After much harumphing, they agreed and told me that they would call me when he could meet with me later that day.

They then suggested I go to the mall to waste some time. Yeah....because I'm really going to strut around the mall in my power pantsuit and five inch patent leather heels. (I'm not going to pretend I wasn't insulted though I laughed it off at the time.)

So I went to the local Irish pub and had a grilled cheese. And didn't have a shot of their finest, no matter how much I was tempted.

Which sucked, because they then rescheduled for SIX FORTY-FIVE IN THE FUCKING EVENING.

Now, after my interview, I'm trying to figure out whether the first 2K toward overhead and making 50% on every buck after that is worth being employed. I wouldn't have health insurance, although malpractice insurance would be covered. I'm also pretty sure that his firm isn't incorporated, as I couldn't find it on the state registry, which makes me worried about general partnership and liability that may arise.

Does anyone have any advice about employment, benefits, and what is or is not a good/raw deal with regard to potential legal employment?

**I wrote this while under the influence of margaritas. Do not judge me.

Legal job prospects really aren't looking so good

....which is why I made a chart about it, rather than crying some more while on the phone with a fellow unemployed friend sitting here moping about it.

As you can see, I'm on anger, although it swings wildly between rage and depression. I got rejected twice in the past 24 hours for two jobs I really wanted.

(Bastards.)

Barbri Amp: What it says v. what it means

Yes, Barbri is still struggling to get its shit together with regards to Barbri AMP, much to the chagrin of the people who paid shittons of money for its proven track record of "experience" and "success." Whatev.

I'd like to rearrange...your face

Things that really bother me while taking final exams:

1) Deep sighing
2) Vibrating phones (turn those bitches OFF)
3) Loud typing--is it necessary to batter your computer?
4) People that leave 40 minutes into exam (and it's three hours long)
5) Going blank (this one's totally on me--fault completely my own)
6) Rustling food bags--open it, get it over with, and for the love of God, please don't smack
7) Tapping and other random bodily twitches
8) People that make a big deal about leaving the room or asking a teacher a question
9) People who are apparently too stupid to quietly pack up their shit to leave

10) AND YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, slurping your goddamn Route 44 drink, WHEN IT'S OBVIOUSLY FUCKING EMPTY. 

I hope you fail....

I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you....

I hope you're diagnosed with a condition that makes it impossible to drink from a fucking straw. 

The Eager Beaver

It is my fondest wish that people who do this:

A. Go color blind
B. Fall off a cliff
C. Break both hands in a tragic chainsaw competition accident
D. Flunk their patent law test
E. All of the above

See how I highlighted JUST ONE THING? Because everything highlighted=nothing highlighted.

Moron.