My mother, the witness

Been doing shittons of research and lawyering in the past week and a half, including filing craptons of stuff in the one case I'm working. I love research and I love preparing and figuring out details to be discussed in hearings, but let's be real: the Rules of Civil Procedure, service requirements, and deadlines (or, in reality, the fact that I might fuck them up entirely) terrify me, y'all.

That's why it was nice reading my mother's deposition for a case in which she's currently a party--it made me feel a little more competent as an attorney. Two particular gems from the depo, which involve litigation arising from her being hit from behind while at a stop light:

(Q) When was the first time you saw this truck?
(A) When it hit me.

And let's not forget this one, which tickled my funny bone and for which my mother didn't even offer up an answer, although I can imagine VERY CLEARLY the expression on her face:

(Q) When is the first time you became aware of this accident?

Wait, WHAT?

I get it from somewhere. Clearly. 

Super Exciting......

Today, aside from studying, I did something super exciting. I edited a letter that's been sitting in my documents folder for twenty days. I cleaned it up, and printed it out on nice, cream-colored linen paper. I printed a matching envelope out with my address on it. And after my name, I put "Attorney at Law."

Because today I mailed a letter to opposing counsel on behalf of my very first (albeit pro bono) client. I was nice. I was cordial. I was fair. But I was also firm. And I feel awesome. 

Let's not mention the fact that this is the very first time I'm practicing law on someone without any supervision. Or the fact that I am terrified of committing some sort of terrible instance of malpractice. Or the fact that SOMEONE'S LEGAL EXISTENCE IS IN MY HANDS.

Nope, I'm going to focus on the fact that until this letter hits and I get a response, I am the head motherfucker in charge. Then, we'll just have to see how it plays out. Besides, my client knows she's the first person I've represented...

GOD HELP ME 

(and my client)

Things not to say to unemployed, job-seeking attorneys

I wrote this post back in October, never dreaming that nearly a seven months later, I'd still be without a job. But here I am, and here it is. At the time, I was rubbed raw about a comment about my unemployment, and wrote this as a response. However, I didn't post it because I feared repenting in leisure. Today, I'm not angry. I'm not upset about anyone's words. And I'm really glad most of my friends have jobs. I will admit I'm extremely frustrated about my self-perceived lack of forward momentum and the way I feel stuck in neutral while the rest of the world passes me by. I yearn for a sense of autonomy. A sense of purpose. And let's not forget actually having cash on hand. Regardless, I think this is a good and somewhat funny post and it seems a shame to let it lay around in my drafts folder. 

Also, enjoy this excellent gif of how I react when anyone tries to tell me about what I should be doing differently during my job hunt: 

Just...no.

JOBLESS AND HOPELESS: 

 Some of y'all out there don't realize how much your words may hurt. Allow me to bring that to your attention...............

Things Not to Say to Newly Minted, Unemployed, Job-Seeking Attorneys

1. “Why don’t you just work pro bono for a while?”
   
   
    OMG, I’D LOVE TO WORK PRO BONO. I’m assuming you’ll be paying for my malpractice insurance in case someone sues me? No? Oh, then you’ll pay any court costs that arise for my clients who cannot pay filing fees and cannot get them waived? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP.
   
   
2. “Wow. After seeing how hard of a time you’re having finding gainful employment, I’m so glad I’ve got a job!”
   
   
   I do not care how well-meaning you are. This comes across as smug. And offensive. And generally douchey. And quite frankly, I’m not sure how you think comparing your employment to my PROFESSIONAL LIFE SUCKING is supposed to be (a) supportive, (b) empathetic, or (c) appropriate in any setting.
   
   
3. “What are you doing wrong?”::deep breath:: I really don’t want to have this conversation with you. I also REALLY don’t want to rip your head off. If I’m doing anything wrong, it’s surrounding myself with assholes like you. But seriously, I invite you to look at legal employment statistics, right now: here, here, and here. Then I invite you to shut the fuck up.
4. “You can open your own practice! It will be easy!”
   
   
   I’ll forgive you for your ignorance this one time. Firms cost money. And I’m unemployed. And I don’t have malpractice insurance. And I don’t have any forms. And I’ve never practiced law before, so my potential for screwing this up is remarkably high. I also can’t afford a legal search engine. And I’m scared. And did I mention I have no money?!?!
   
   
5. ::quotes depressing employment statistic::
   
   
   Good for you! You read the above links and know about unemployment in America! Again, how is it supposed to make us feel any better? If anything, it makes us feel worse, because we’re now a statistic, and these numbers don’t offer anything in way of improving our situation.
6. “Maybe you should lower your expectations.”

   You’re absolutely right! I should work at Footlocker! Or for no money! And no benefits! Also, I should absolutely welcome sexual harassment from the skeezy guy that’s offered me a great “business opportunity.” Look, buddy: I’m not looking for a $100,000 per year job. I just want to get paid for my work. And I’d like to work in a field where I’m utilizing the degree for which I’m currently paying student loans. If my expectations get any lower, I might as well cut up my cardboard box and get out my Sharpie marker. 

Being unemployed and looking is hard. I’ve applied for a lot of jobs. I’ve been rejected by all of them in some fashion. I know many people are well-meaning, and just as many just don’t think before they open their mouths. However, it hurts. My first student loan bill just came in. And if you don’t think I had a mini-breakdown thinking about my inability to repay these debts, then you’d be wrong.

None of us like to show how much this continuous rejection hurts. I like to make funny posts about my bevvy of job-hunting fails because it minimizes the fear and upset and confusion and uncertainty. We also don’t like to tell you to shut up, because a lot of times it’s the people closest to us that are making these comments.

So please, before you try to “empathize” with new (or even old) lawyers that cannot find a job, think about the comment you’re about to make. If it’s anything other than “I’m really sorry” or “I hope things start looking up for you,” then don’t say it. Treat us like we’ve just suffered some great loss. Because we have. We have lost our confidence. And our faith.

And even though we know it will eventually get better, it doesn’t minimize the enormity of now. 

No, she doesn't leap buildings with a single bound...because she isn't GIVEN THE CHANCE. 

Let's talk about the southern stereotype

I grew up in the south. The deep south. As in, there is no question that I'm living well below the Mason Dixon line. My dad subscribes to the Obama birther theory, and my family is funded by "Big Red" (aka: my dad works for a very well-known oil company). I originally hail from a town that stages a battle reenactment each year. I competed in beauty pageants, some of which required me to dress as a Southern belle.

No I was not a debutante. I earned my crowns with poise, talent,
and by prancing around on stage in a swimsuit,
not familial connections, thankyouverymuch.

Growing up, I took up for the underdog. I defended the "geeks," was ostracized by the cool kids, and used to go home crying due to wearing my heart on my sleeve (until my mom told me to tell them I would punch them in the face if they messed with me again. When I asked what if they kept on, she told me to go ahead and actually punch them in the face and that she would deal with the consequences).

And although I'm southern through and through, I'm also a registered Democrat, extremely pro-choice and pro-gay-everything, and am not particularly religious. I also try to keep my mouth shut, because God knows I don't appreciate it when people begin to espouse on their religious/political principles. It has taken me years to cull down my Facebook friends so I don't have to view Glen Beck nonsense. But sometimes they sneak through, and I cringe. Sometimes I just have to open my mouth and speak out against this ignorance.

Just to be clear: I'm speaking of the people that give all southerners a bad name. Do I own a gun? Yes. Would I shoot someone to defend myself? Hell yes. At the same time, I'm also capable of higher-level thinking. Just because I own a gun and believe I should be allowed to own a gun doesn't mean that the privilege of owning one suddenly becomes absolute. I fail to see how a background check will make it impossible to obtain a gun. It will hopefully just make it a little bit harder for criminals to obtain their guns, although (yes) they may end up with one anyways. But by no means does it prevent law-abiding citizens from getting their little grubby hands on a Ruger.

Another favorite I encounter quite a lot: anyone who thinks their state can opt out of federal legislation using the tenth amendment. Or, as I like to call them....idiots who are aware there is a Constitution, but who have not actually read it. Even better? Idiots who have read the Constitution but fail to acknowledge that there is a Supreme Court who expounds upon fundamental rights and other pesky interpretive viewpoints of this living body of law. Or that thinks the Supreme Court should just be done away with. These people exist. I swear.

And when there are attacks against the United States, these people come out in droves. Let me correct myself. When there are attacks against the United States by someone who doesn't look like them, they come out in droves. When there was the Aurora shooting, yes, they were sympathetic, but I mostly heard stuff like "If they had a concealed carry, they could have defended themselves, rabble rabble rabble." (You know, because I can TOTALLY see through smoke bombs to target the one person dressed all in black in a dark movie theatre to pick off.) In the wake of the Boston Marathon Massacre, I've heard everything from "he shouldn't have any rights" to "he should be classified as an enemy combatant" (never mind that we are NOT at war with his country and that he wasn't perpetuating an act of war on behalf of his country). I've also heard a lot of Islamaphobic rants about Muslims.

Let me be clear: this is not all southerners. However, these are the ones that appear on FoxNews talking about picking up their pitchforks and tar and feathers. These are the ones who drive around with a rebel flag painted on the back of their pickup trucks. These are the ones who CLING to their Second Amendment rights, but think it's perfectly okay to deny other United States citizens their due process rights just on the basis of their religion or skin color (for your personal knowledge, those are the rights guaranteed to you by the 14th and 5th Amendments). And it drives me nuts.

I'm tired of reading about my home state crafting a bill to allow gay people to be fired just for being gay. I'm tired of reading about the most recent state I lived in disallowing abortions past the time of basically 2 months, using faulty science and completely disregarding the fact that it is unconstitutional to do so. I'm tired of the endless rants on rights, but the hypocrisy demonstrated in lifting these rights from someone who isn't like you (e.g..: white, "middle classed", men, etc.).

Southerners, you need to do better. And for those of you who are southerners who don't ascribe to these qualities, you need to speak up. Educate others. I'm not saying pissing contests are desirable, but no one will ever alter their behavior if you refuse to speak up when someone uses the N word in your presence. Or if you won't address them when they start speaking about Islam while knowing nothing about it. Maybe it won't help, but maybe someone will learn something. And if nothing else, at least you can sleep at night.

But what the hell do I know? I'm just a Southerner. 

Day 1 of TBE in review....

Today was the first (half) day of the Texas Bar Examination. All things considered, I think I did okay. MPT wasn't difficult, only missed a few Texas civ/criminal procedure/evidence questions, and I left 15 minutes early.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), leaving 15 minutes early meant I missed some Texas Bar Exam drama. Apparently one of the test-takers asked to go to the bathroom during the last 15 minutes of the test. This is a no-no (might as well call it that, considering we're being treated like children). No one gets up during the last 15 minutes. No one is allowed to leave. Don't ask me why; it's just how it is.

So this guy throws a hissy and WHIPS OUT HIS DICK AND PISSES IN A ZIPLOC BAG. Yeah, you read that right. He withdrew his penis from his pants and emptied his bladder in the Ziploc he brought his things in. Then he apparently gathered all his shit, tossed that Ziploc on the ground, and peaced out...all during the 15 minute lockdown.

Aside from the obvious lack of social skills that somehow made this guy presume that withdraw his willy in public is a perfectly acceptable thing to do, I think a bigger issue remains....someone has to pick up that bag of piss.

So yeah. All things considered, I wasn't that person. I'm going to deem this day as a win.

(My friend Zilly was a row in front of this guy and saw the piss, and describes it so much better than I. Check out her account of things, INCLUDING HOW SHE WAS ABLE TO SMELL IT, here.)

Bar Exam Cards....Second Card

As promised, here is card #2 for all of you studying for the bar (or even considering it, because it's truly preemptive). 

More advice for 0L and 1Ls....

I was recently asked by a friend who is applying for law school this next year a multitude of questions about applying for law school, as well as what law school is actually like once you get there. I decided I might as well write a simple (less sarcastic than normal) piece on what I wish I had known when I entered law school and things that people will never tell you or might tell you and you will write off (like I probably did). Hell, I might even save you some money too. I'm sure you'll also read some stuff that you've already heard. Take heed, 0Ls....

1) Take the LSAT any time other than June/October. Preferably the winter A YEAR AND A HALF before you hope to enter law school. The LSAT is scaled, you see, so your scores are directly compared to those students taking it at the same time as you. "Good" law school prospects who do things by the book (and are typically well-prepared and smart) like to take it in June and October, because it's according to the proper timeline. Slackers like to take it in December (and February), so you're scaled against people who might not do as well, because of lack of preparation. Of course, this means you need to be ultra-crazy-ridiculously ahead, but there you have it...

2) Do not buy all your books before you get to school. I have a few books I never opened, because the professors depended on their own powerpoints and absolutely nothing out of the book other than cases (which can be looked up and printed on your own time). Instead, ask some upperclassmen (who are preferably of a prudent nature) which teachers require stringent reading and which are more lax and less likely to use the book.

3) DO NOT buy case briefs. If you have Lexis and Westlaw at your fingertips that will do it for you for free, why the HELL would you consider buying a "guide" that briefs the cases for you? Instead, buy some study aids that explain the subject themselves, because the rules are going to be tested, not the particular cases you studied. I loved Emanuel's Crunchtime for the criminal classes, and In a Nutshell for the more outline-friendly classes (like Con Law and any procedural class). Also as helpful: outlines from students who did well in the class before you, and the professor's own testbanks, which may be provided depending upon which school you attend.

4) 90% of the time, law school is only as hard as you make it. I'm the ridiculous one who liked to participate in the competitions and clinics. This means it was more difficult for me. If you are on law review or aiming for being the top person in your class, law school will probably be more difficult for you. However, law school is only TRULY hard around deadline days. This means deadlines for papers/required oral arguments and for finals. I know some people who never read a friggin case, and they passed. It most certainly was not with flying colors, but the point is that they never broke a sweat and somehow still managed to walk across that stage with the rest of us who had minor breakdowns throughout law school.

5) If you are going to choose a semester to kick some ass and take some names, it had better be your first semester in law school. Plenty of people (ahem: my career services lady in particular) told us the first week that grades are only one thing prospective employers look at when making hiring decisions. Except for your first summer job, when people are making their hiring decisions, it's typically in March. You know...before you get your second semester's worth of grades. And before you can really become active within your school. Or really do anything. So YES, THE FIRST HIRING DECISIONS ARE ALMOST SOLELY BASED UPON YOUR FRIGGIN PERFORMANCE YOUR FIRST SEMESTER. (And who you know. Unfortunately, I know no one.)

I'm keeping it short and sweet, or as short and sweet as I can make it, although if you have any questions, shoot me an email, g-chat me, or just pose it in the comments section of this blog.

Good luck.

Best ad placement EVER

So today I was reading commentary on Chic-Fil-A. And then someone on facebook posted a link. I arrived to observe the best ad placement I have probably ever seen...ever. Behold the glory....

My views on the bar exam, as illustrated by Lord of the Rings

  

Ten things I'd rather be doing than studying for the bar exam...

I'm tired. I'm lacking motivation. And I'm starting to get my ass handed to me during MPQ multiple choice question sets. It's demoralizing, degrading, and depressing. (Enough with the alliteration.) I would almost rather be doing anything else than this. Like making this chart about things I'd rather be doing than studying:

On second thought, I'd better be getting back to torts. Hope y'all are getting through it too!

Love you, H-dawg.

Barbri, Day 3

Today's Barbri preview focused on Constitutional Law and Evidence and OH MY GOD I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AND WE'RE ALL GONNNNNNNAAAA DIIIIIIEEEEEEEE.

But for reals, it was (again) totally demoralizing, although definitely not surprising, with regard to how little I know. Completely.

Notes from today:

1) Got to see the Criminal Law teacher again...he reminds me of Steven Colbert, and makes my day better. Particularly when he uses the mnemonic device BARRRRRRK (okay, I added a few extra Rs in the there, but he is totally awesome).

2) As a side note: mnemonic is THE WORST AND HARDEST WORD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD TO SPELL.

3) Also got to see the majorly awesome Torts prof again, but he wasn't as organized for Constitutional Law and it gave me the sadz.

4) Went and printed off study tips for approaching the MBE. Panic attack is likely to ensue any moment now.

5) Constitutional Law is going to suck, and I don't care what the guy said--I'm not going to be the majority of people who get 24/33 correct because I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER ALL THIS INFORMATION AND STUFF IT INTO MY HEAD AND MAKE IT STAY THERE. (I'm pretty sure this info leaks out of my ears at night.)

Tomorrow we are set to take a 100 question, 3 hour practice test. Lots of people aren't showing up to the school tomorrow because they can do it at home. I know better than this. I would sleep until eleven, play with shiny things, cuddle with my dogs, and then take eleventy billion hours to try to get through it. So I'm dragging my happy ass to the school tomorrow, because if I don't have the discipline to take it at home, you bet your sweet bippy that I'll have the discipline to haul my ass somewhere that ensures I do. And no, that's not sarcasm.

In other news, I think I'm going to be taking a nice weekender for Memorial Day, and may even get the chance to yell FREEEEEBIRD in a setting that's suitably appropriate. White trash nirvana? Oh hells to the yes. Am I okay with this?

FREEEEEEEEEEBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRD!!!!!!!!!

(duh)

Barbri, Day 2

Barbri Day #2 is over, although I do have some "homework" I apparently need to go over. Today was a lot worse than yesterday, namely because it went over Real Property and Contracts, and I very much so suck at both of those subjects....particularly Contracts.

Guy teaching the courses (same guy for both, both on a video) was funny. He reminded me of Louis Black. Without the cussing. Which may have made Contracts a whole lot more fun and memorable, but alas, I'll never know.

However, there are a whole lot of points I think I should make regarding today:

1) There were dramatically fewer people in my class today than yesterday, namely because they figured they could see the same videos from home. I cannot do that because (a) I have the attention span of a gna---oh, wow, look at that shiny object! and (b) I will never get around to watching all the video or take the video seriously when I could be doing a multitude of other, more worthy things (like sleeping, or eating, or sleep-eating).

2) Real Property sucks just as much now as it did 1L year, but Real Estate Transactions played a MUCH larger role in this section than anyone else let on it would. Ergo, I'm thankful I took the latter course, even though I shudder every time I hear the word mortgage.

3) Our class should really devise a system of shutting our books and letting the daily administrator know  when we are finished with our preview test, so we don't spend an extra 15 minutes Facebooking inside a classroom instead of getting out early and Facebooking from the privacy of our own homes.

4) I've GOT to start packing a lunch, because one of these days, I'm not going to be so lucky about snagging a parking spot when I leave and come back to school.

5) Okay, people. We get it. The dude just repeated himself four fucking times. I see how you might think that's funny. Personally, I think you should probably just write it down over and over again, so you might remember it for the Bar. Because, you know, if he's saying it seventeen times, IT MIGHT BE IMPORTANT.

In addition to these notes, I think it's fair to say that this course is pretty damn good. I'm learning a lot, and even though I emerge each day with a headache, I figure I'm getting my money's worth. I've also taken up bicycling again (8.5 miles today) to deal with the stress of studying, and also so I can look decent in a majorly fucking hot swimsuit I plan on wearing at the end of the summer.

Is anyone else taking Barbri? What do y'all think of it so far?

Barbri, Day 1

1) Barbri started today. This means I get to officially learn what's actually *relevant* for the Bar....since the past three years have apparently MEANT NOTHING.

2) We started off with a Torts practice exam. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

3) To the douche sitting behind me: BURN. No, really. I'm tired of you already being a douchebag, particularly since we're only one hour into the effing course.

4) It's a beautiful day outside. And I wish I were floating in a pool somewhere, tanning my pasty white legs (who am I kidding? They would burn in a heartbeat).

5) Happy birthday to my fantastic boyfriend, who is now a quarter of a century old.

Sometimes I amaze myself...

So I learned how to make gifs....and I was like

There goes my studying....

The Eager Beaver

It is my fondest wish that people who do this:

A. Go color blind
B. Fall off a cliff
C. Break both hands in a tragic chainsaw competition accident
D. Flunk their patent law test
E. All of the above

See how I highlighted JUST ONE THING? Because everything highlighted=nothing highlighted.

Moron.

Law School Exam--A student's imminent domain

Every law student I know has a specific study style, but almost all of them I know do some of the following shit during final exams, and almost certainly has a setup during said exam that looks strikingly similar to the one I've shown below. Allow me to guide you through the preparatory setup of a law school exam.

A:  the last chance at a hot drink before your final begins. At best, your Starbucks is lukewarm, and all the caffeine has rendered your tastebuds nil, but you've somehow convinced yourself that this caramel macchiato is going to give you that boost you need to succeed. (Good luck with that)

B:  your trusty laptop, which is probably on its last legs of life since you've inadvertently spilled yesterday's Starbucks on it. Watch for this awesome machine to suddenly shit out on you in the middle of the exam.

C:  Earplugs. To try to drown out the commotion that the obnoxious fucker (probably you) is probably going to cause during the exam.

D:  some sort of food that not only crunches when you eat it, but that gives off a fucking noxious odor that makes the people around you (whose stomachs and systems are also filled to the breaking point with caffeine) want to simultaneously barf and kill you. You dumbass motherfucker.

E:  5-hour energy. Taken when you start flagging--generally 1/3 of the way in. Need I say more?


F:  the Diet Coke you're going to pop in the middle of the goddamn exam right as I've come up with something brilliant to say. This, of course, will make my mouth water, and also make me lose whatever train of conscious thought I had going.


G:  see D, only this is SUPERSIZED, so you want to make sure to eat it in the middle of the exam and make AS MUCH FUCKING NOISE OPENING THE BAG AS POSSIBLE.

H:  the sole pencil you have for the Scantron whose lead will probably break halfway through filling in the bubbles. You probably even had to bum this off of someone else. Because who uses pencils?

I:   the eraser you've somehow managed to keep since you were a 1L purchasing school supplies. It will be in the bottom of your bookbag, probably covered in some kind of foreign substance.

J:  pens. Because you're almost definitely going to have to write something by hand, even if you don't want to.

K:  six fucking colors of highlighters. Because you're apparently still of the mindset that you should use the highlighting system generally only utilized by first week 1Ls before they decide to stop reading altogether.

L:   the watch you've finally remembered to bring after the last time you got COMPLETELY fucked by the proctor administering the exam.

M: the space reserved for the test that is probably going to make you want to vomit a little bit.

Now, if you look closely at the picture, you'll notice two things enclosed outside of the desk, but no less prevalent in the preparation of a law student for final exams. 

N:  the non-prescribed pills that the law student has been popping for the previous 72 hours prior to the exam. Adderall to pick you up, Ambien to put you down (after the exam, naturally), and God knows what else.
O:  RedBull almost certainly chugged down as if it was the breastmilk obtained from the teat of knowledge....except it's not and it probably isn't going to sit well with the 17+ other types of caffeine you've been swilling for the last umpteen hours.

Not enough hours in the day.....

The end of school is rapidly approaching, and I'm confronting life with all the grace of a lumbering wildebeest and the social skills of a velociraptor.

I have three finals in the course of a week, six memos to finish for ONE clinic, final hours for a judicial externship, a 10 page paper for the aforementioned judicial externship, and OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE..................

My heightened surliness was recently remarked upon by my mother, Mad Maxine, who has a velociraptor approach in every avenue of life (thus making her observations that much more poignant).

Max: you've gotta relax a little bit. You've been bitchier than ever lately. What calms you down?
Me: Tequila.
Max: No, seriously.
Me: I am being serious. Tequila.
Max: Okay....
Me: So what do you suggest?
Max: Tequila.


If you need me, I'll be under my desk clutching my bff bottle.

Wooo pig sue me

I've created a picture which I think adequately sums up my feelings about Bobby P. and the things he's done, but in case it doesn't make it clear, here are a few thoughts I've had surrounding this incident:

1) 20 THOUSAND DOLLARS? Fucking seriously?

2) Bobby Petrino (who almost certainly has a wrinkled ass)???? DOUBLE FUCKING SERIOUSLY????

3) People whining about Bobby Petrino need to consider the enormous legal problems he may have created for our university.

4) Football programs do not grow because of one person. It is a collaborative effort, and Bobby was not God of Football (see: Battle of the Boot, 2011).

5) DAMMIT, BOBBY!

Moral of the story? No good deed goes unpunished.

I did it. I volunteered and was subsequently elected to run a law school event (hereby coined "LSE"). Said event was to raise money for a good cause, something I constantly thought about as I was organizing said LSE.

Now, for those of you who are not yet familiar with my style, I'm an A personality. I like to meet people. I like to talk to people. I like to be in charge. I also don't mind helping out or delegating, provided things are run in a cohesive manner that doesn't result in my wanting to rip someone's my hair out. For the most part, if something isn't being done properly (or at all), I'd rather just do it myself. It's my nature, and while annoying, it's highly effective (because let's face it--law students aren't exactly the most dependable of people). That being said, if someone is doing their job, then I'm of the mindset to HAVE AT IT.

So....this LSE is technically the pet project of one of the organizations on campus and consists of having to rely upon a shitton of people actually showing up at this event to volunteer. That's strike one, in my opinion. Depending on a group of lawyers and law students to be somewhere to dedicate their time to an altruistic task? UNHEARD OF.

Strike two was the fact that I was working with someone I believe to be Cray-Cray to the Maximus (and by maximus, I mean in my gluteous maximus). My opinion? This crazy coot is out to get me. Fucking great. (And I'm not imagining this shit--we go way back.) Worst part? She acts like she doesn't hate my guts.

So I bust my ass for three weeks, all the while having to deal with backbiting and assholery and general indignities that many would argue are grounds for justifiable homicide. And I take it, because BY GOD, I AM GOING TO DO GOOD FOR CHARITY. I get liquor (since we know that's the main draw). I organize everything. I decorate. I bedazzle.

In short, I rock this goddamn event with every fucking fiber of my fabulous glitter-emoting body.

It was a success, although the event didn't raise nearly as much money as I would have liked (let's just say this--with the hours I put in, I'd have liked a feast thrown in my honor, with a roast beast).

So, where is strike three, you are wondering? Well, friends, that came after the event. When CrayCray scheduled a meeting to discuss the event. The event SHE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING ATTEND. In all actuality, it was a "Let's Shit on Dr. Juris" meeting. And SHIT THEY DID. Comments like "undermining authority" (when I was in charge, mind you) and "poor time management" (when everything was accomplished and rocked out with its proverbial....well, you know what I mean) were thrown around with great relish. At the end of said meeting, I was told I would have to hand over all my notes and intellectual property associated with the event for next year's planning.

I am waiting for the perfect moment to crush these audacious demands didn't have the heart to tell them I had deleted it all with a thank you Lerd and good riddance.

No really, my heart is three sizes too small.....and I'm pretty sure it's not going to experience a miraculous growth spurt any time soon.

Probably the best email I had with regard to this event was a professor who was helping out: I'll stick to what they gave me and frequently remind myself that it's for a good cause. To which I replied:

That's what I've been doing for the past two weeks.