Ermahgerd...I passed

Yesterday, Arkansas released the names of those who passed the bar exam. 

I was at my little brother's music lesson with a monstrous stress headache. Then the fire alarm went off, which I thought was probably the worst thing that could have happened to my poor, fragile little head. 

Until I tried to load the Arkansas Judiciary website. It was so clogged up that it wouldn't load. And my dad started text-ticking off minutes:

4:02

4:05

4:08

And then I got a congratulatory text from one of my really good friends. Even then I couldn't believe it. 

But it's true. I passed the Arkansas Bar Exam. 

Don't bet against the bailiff

I'm not sure if I've written about my externship before, since I generally shy away from anything that has to do with court proceedings in the interest of judicial secrecy. That being said, I work several hours per week with hilariously awesome people in this particular court setting. As is typical with awesome people, craziness ensues a large majority of the time. 

Like today, when I lost a bet. 

We had a hearing regarding parents that don't get along and refuse to get along for the interest of their two children. They have allowed these kids to have Facebook accounts. The parents also have Facebook accounts, and apparently Momsy spends a good majority of the time making sexual innuendos and bashing Dadsy on her wall. My Judge, hereby named "Her Awesomeness," has been dealing with this couple for a while now. Today they were in court to squabble about the young girl having a Facebook (and I mean this girl is well below the age required by Facebook policy to even qualify for an account). 

While duking it out, it became blatantly obvious that both of these parents were off their rockers. And that Her Awesomeness was getting pretty damn pissed. 

Imagine how much more pissed she became when she realized Momsy took her barely teenaged son to a place I'll call Knockers to celebrate his birthday...in clear violation of a court order regarding the consumption of alcohol around the children (hand to God, Her Awesomeness was actually quoted in the previous transcripts as saying the parents should view alcohol as seriously as cocaine if it was around the children, as the kids had been so over-exposed to alcohol in the past). 

Which brings me to my bet. As Bailiff Larry and I were waiting for Her Awesomeness's ruling, he figured out loud that Judge would probably hold Momsy in contempt (Knockers was just the beginning). Her Awesomeness is a really kickass and (extremely) sweet lady, so I naturally assumed it would take more to rile Judge up.

And of course, I was wrong. 

Which is why I'm now making brownies for the entire court tomorrow. 

But hey, I got to see someone arrested! TOTALLY WORTH IT. 

The zombie apocalypse...law school finals style

I got into a lively discussion with some of my twitter friends the other day about the impending zombie apocalypse and whether a crossbow would serve as an adequate weapon. Then I realized something today.....I've already been preparing for it!!! So far, I've compared law school finals to the Rocky series (aka: getting my ass whooped and coming back for more), being on serious and dangerous medication (the adverse side effects are already manifesting themselves, y'all) and now, I've got another basis of comparison:

There's no doubt about it: preparing for law school finals is like readying yourself for the pending zombie apocalypse, only you can't kill the people around you that are trying to suck your soul from your body and render you a member of the undead....unfortunately. So, like all good law students, I'm sure you want to be ready, and I've prepared a list to ensure that you remain one of the living. Ready yourself....

1) Devise a plan: you know yourself. You know your capabilities. Don't plan for being able to do shit that is obviously beyond your capabilities. If you are slow, prepare your car should you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. If you are stupid, simplify your outline.

2) Stockpile a food arsenal. A week before final exams (which coincides nicely with Thanksgiving in the fall semester, just so you know), prepare about three freezable meals. Put those bitches in single serving tins (makes about 12-15 meals) and freeze them. Or just go to the grocery store and buy 15 boxes of Hot Pockets, 5 frozen pizzas, and ten gallons of Red Bull.

3) Buy dry shampoo: No matter if you are killing zombies or slaying finals, you are going to want to appear clean....even if you aren't. I recommend at least three cans of dry shampoo, a light body mist (NOTICE I SAID LIGHT), breath mints, and a prescription strength deodorant. Even if you are dead doesn't mean you have to smell like you are.

4) Important documents: even the CDC has recognized the possibility of a ZA. They recommend getting all your important documents together, and I couldn't agree more. This means you need a copy of your school id, the outlines you can actually bring in to tests, your study aids, and blue books, should you be a handwriter.

5) Medications: if you are on ANY prescription drugs (e.g. birth control, adderall, narcotics, or Viagra) be sure to have these prescriptions filled before the end of the semester craziness ensues. Trust me, you don't want to need your Viagra and not have it.

6) Preventative supplies: your immune system is down; you are surrounded by sick people; you are probably going to get sick. Buy zinc, the only thing proven to shorten a common cold, AND USE IT. Get some Advil (which you can take with alcohol--you can't drink with Tylenol, btw) for the head/backaches you're likely going to encounter. For that matter, buy some booze too. You know what they say....an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

7) Earplugs: you surprisingly don't see this on many lists. I say surprisingly because you are obviously going to need to muffle sounds--the sounds of fellow students or the sounds of gunfire as you're plowing down zombies. Duh.

8)   Adequate weaponry: this can be combined with your important documents, but there's so much more that can go with your weaponry. May I suggest your killing theme song (my personal choice being "Bohemian Rhapsody"), your highlighters, outlines you've managed to procure from people indubitably smarter than you, and dollars for snack machines?

9) Your "wolfpack": I'm with Zack Galifianakis on this one. You need your wolfpack--this doesn't mean you have to study with them, but it's always nice to have someone to accompany you as you drink yourself into oblivion. Also, they may be able to provide you with outlines, and they'll have your back (hopefully--I've got doubts about fellow law students, to tell the truth) should a zombie sneak up on you.

10) Avoid large groups of people: you can never be sure which of these people is waiting to morph into a zombie. And by zombie, I mean the asshole who starts bemoaning the upcoming exam, or mindfucking you into believing the exam you just took may have anally had you. It's also harder to study with large groups of people, and you tend to go out and drink as a reward for a half hour of "studying."

Do you have any tips for surviving the upcoming apocalypse?

Lucy in the Sky with Cubic Zirconium

This week was pretty much the week from Hell. I had a shitton of stuff I had to make happen, including a few interviews for externships next semester, a presentation for one of my classes, and a gazillion client interviews that somehow had to take place. But somehow I got through it and it's now Friday and I'm sitting in my house clutching two bags of Goodwill purchases and rocking myself like a baby preparing to make dinner like a big kid. (Okay, I did go to Goodwill.)

The most interesting thing to take place this week was probably one of the interviews for a judicial externship. I went in and introduced myself and the judge (who I have NEVER EVER MET BEFORE) said it was nice to see me again, effectively shaming me into a pool of self-doubt about whether we had, in fact, ever actually been introduced before. I maintain we hadn't. But I digress. After our standard repartee regarding why I want the externship and my studies (which I kinda like, because I always seem to have a new answer), we started to meander into other topics.

Like how she once represented a woman in a divorce proceeding who always smelled kinda funny and she never knew what the scent was. Until the lady was arrested for meth. (Oops for requesting child custody.)

Or how I had done an internship this summer and was scared shitless about the job and how much I anticipated hating it (I may have substituted in crap instead) and how I actually ended up loving it. (Maybe that's kinda relevant.)

Or how it's impossible for someone to overdose on LSD, and how the judge had always kinda wanted to try it, but figured she would have a flashback twenty years down the road in court and so she never did.

And how LSD is now being advocated for people suffering severe depression and it supposedly actually works.

And how anytime I smell pot, I want to barf all over the place and how I hate getting on the bus because I never know if the bus will smell like Reefer Joe over in the corner who just got done toking it up right before he boarded.

Oh, and how I saw pot the first time when I was in college and how I had a minor freakout.

And how she knew kids that smoked pot all the time in law school and once they pulled it out in front of her and she also had a minor freakout.

We then agreed that legalizing drugs wasn't necessarily a problem, since the people who are going to try heroin are going to do it regardless of whether it's legal or not, and we just don't want to have to deal with people doing it in public.

Yes, people, I spent approximately 25.3465 minutes of a 30 minute interview discussing drugs...with a circuit judge.

She offered me the externship the next morning. And naturally I accepted.

Ethicality....it's all relative

So I passed the MPRE after being pretty damn sure I had failed it back at the beginning of August. And I not only passed it, but I passed it by a pretty decent margin! Before I start bragging though, maybe I should consider how the MPRE is actually scored.....

In states across America, people are required to pass this little test with 50 real questions and 10 questions with which they've designed to torture future test-takers . You are scored on a weighted scale, with 50 being the lowest score and 150 being the highest (because I guess a 0 would be too brutal, right?). The highest score required in our great nation to practice is an 86, for the holier-than-thou states of California and Utah (yeah right). In order to get a 100, you have to get anywhere between 32-37 questions right. There's a five question zone because difficulty of the test determines type of scaled scoring. But just to clarify, this constitutes as a 64%-74% "grade," depending on how moronic the particular people are that are taking the test. This awesome site provides an awesome chart that puts the median at about 97, although it's actually lower for August test-takers. This means that the average person is about 70% ethical. Since I am "math-adverse" and don't like discussing statistics (eye twitching is not a good look for me, folks), I'll leave the standard deviations to this guy. (For the record, I'm actually above the curve in ethicality, although I'm pretty sure that means nothing in the practice of law.)

This does NOT take into consideration that to actually pass this thing everywhere, you only have to make an 86. Based on some of my fuzzy math (100/34=2.941 THEN 86/2.941=29.24), I calculated this to mean that in order to practice law, you honestly only have to be 58.5% ethical.

Which is a failing grade on any test I've ever taken.

But trust us....because we're lawyers.

Continued interest INDEED

Finished my interview.

Interviewee: "Are you free next week for a follow-up interview?"
 
Me: ::does internalized happy dance while jumping up and down screaming inside my head ala Sally Fields "they like me; THEY REALLY LIKE ME::

Me: I've already done my back-to-school shopping. I'm free whenever.

::facepalm::

Smooth, real smooth.

In other news, "TDot" was right. They remembered me. And not because I'm possibly on the national "do not hire" list.

Leav-aaaaaannnnnnn on a jet plaaaaaaannnnneeeee

So yeah, don't know if you have heard, but I'm going on vacation. And it's kinda a big deal. Five fun-filled amazing days full of roller coasters, tasty pool-side beverages, sand between my toes, and rocking some of my new vacay wardrobe........oh yeah, and chilling with Leonidas. ;)

I've been packing for the better half of six hours. I laid out precise wardrobe pairings. I changed them. I fretted. I clucked. Then I put ALL OF THEM on my carry-on bag. And it all fit. All ten pairs of shorts. And gazillion shirts. And dresses. And even my heels. I'm already feeling a sense of incredible accomplishment and I haven't even left yet.

On the other hand, I went to the donut shop today and my total was $6.66....so I tipped $1.11 and brought it to $7.77. NOTHING WILL RUIN MY DAY/VACAY. (Even superstition.)

Any suggestions while in Orlando?

Summer vacay on the cheap

Leonidas and I have been weighing our options regarding summer vacay. He's a notorious spender, while I'm a total cheapskate spendthrift. This would seem to be a good thing, as I would presumably put him on the "straight and narrow," and influence him positively to spend his money wisely. This isn't the case though, because Leonidas equates a deal to a cheap alternative to something better something too good to be true. At any rate, we've decided to go somewhere hot and fun and QUICKLY, because we only know his schedule a few days in advance. We've opted for Florida, and we're thinking Orlando. This means beach access, as well as some time at Disney and Universal Studios. It also means a few cocktails, some good food, and some cheesy souvenirs for Maxine, Danny, Cyd, and Calvin.

I'm envisioning our days starting something like this:

Followed by some of this:

And a lot of these:

And ending like this:

 

In short, I'm anticipating paradise. And between my parent's timeshare points, Allegient Airlines cheap fare, and the fantabulous company of the ever-entertaining Leonidas, it's sure to not disappoint!


Any suggestions from my fellow cheapskates spendthrifts on good deals down in Florida? (Too bad, Leonidas....my cheapness reigns supreme.)

There once was a girl from law school...

A girl with law exams back to back,

Was decisively starting to crack.

The moment arose--

her computer froze,

That's what she gets for using a Mac.

One of my professors wanted our class to come up with limericks for Wills, Trusts, and Estates cases. Suffice to say, I find it hard enough to read any cases, so I didn't jump on that particular bandwagon. Additionally, limericks are supposed to be entertaining and the only way you could make that class interesting would be to conduct it in a Jerry Springer format (c'mon, don't tell me the subject isn't just ripe with potential for chanting, personal comments into the "microphone," and the occasional (simulated) bitch slap). This got me to thinking: what if I were to write limericks all the time? (To answer that question: I would probably be considered far more annoying than I already am viewed and eventually be stoned by a large group of people with a mob mentality and an unquenchable taste for blood--although I suppose I wouldn't be considered as annoying/pretentious as someone who went around composing haikus all the time.)

Take the above, for example: I love my PC. I'm not quite sure what all the hullabaloo is about Macs. They don't have a right-click buttons, they need special software to be compatible to anything remotely cool out there, and they've essentially ripped off Lenix, smacked an apple logo on it, and labeled it "trendy." Sure, they may not be any worse than PCs....but they certainly aren't superior. (And you're paying mondo mucho buckeroos for that free operating system and picture of an apple.) I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but it sure would be fun to watch (refer to my post regarding my relationship with technology--I frequently am that girl...why can't I wish it on someone else for a change??)....

Or how about a limerick for how I feel right now, which cannot be described with any good adjectives like funny, witty, or even alive (okay, alive isn't an adjective, but you get my point)....

I once went two days without sleep,

after weeks of minimal upkeep.

I decided to waive

any chance of a shave,

in exchange for counting some sheep. 

I'm pretty sure that's self-explanatory. I'm exhausted. I've had about five hours of rest in the past sixty hours. I'm to a point where I get halfway through a thought and completely lose it. I can't even focus on what people are saying. I resorted to caffeine for a perk (not my cup of tea, so to speak). No more. Now, I get to relax in my wonderfully comfortable bed with brand new clean sheets and a chance to finally recharge. 

Oh yeah, and law school exams are over. Unfortunately, the cruel evidence of the harrowing two weeks remains...glaring at me (and others) like two accusing caterpillars sitting on my face. 

 To the students whose exams go on...

I hope you have shittons* of fun.

For me, I'll be snoring,

 In my bed. Have fun poring

Over books. I'm offically done... 

(Bitches)

*pronounced to rhyme with "kitten"

GOOD NIGHT!