At this point, it'd be a mercy killing...

I have ten days before I'm sitting in a Prometric Site well on my way to failing the patent bar exam.

Most people think I'm exaggerating when I say this. Let me be clear: I'm not. And, just to back up this assertion, I'm going to give you a short list of reasons why I'm almost* undoubtedly going to fail the bar exam.

*I say almost because there's the slim possibility the baby Lord Jesus may swoop down from Heaven and grant me the infinite wisdom of the MPEP and I might somehow, with his divine guidance, make the required 70% to pass the test. But....I'm not going to bank on it. 

1) I've not studied enough. I've probably put in about 100 hours of study time. Maybe 80 hours, if I'm being super honest with myself. I have been pulled in all different directions, and allowed myself to be entirely too ADHD with my studying process, which means that these 80-100 hours of studying have been non-linear and a clusterfuck of confusion. Most people study, at minimum, 250 hours for this exam.

OOOH, SHINY THING.

2) This bar exam is different. I've taken and passed two bar exams. And this exam is different because (a) it's open book, (b) it has no essays, and (c) it's not scaled, this just means that bar examining committee has more leeway to ask hypertechnical questions, and that I can't rely on dumbasses who do worse than me to pull my score up. It's either pass or fail. No in-between. And to pass, you have to study a shitton of hours. (See #1)

3) New material has made this bar exam almost impossible to study for. In 2011, Obama signed into law the America Invents Act, which took our patent system from a first to invent to a first to file process. The bar exam started testing this in full effect three months ago. This means that I have to be responsible for all the material before the America Invents Act (AIA) and ALLLLL the information after as well. This means twice the friggin material, and no real guide as to how these questions are going to be framed and no really good way to study for them.

Exactly. 

Now, I can go on and on about exactly how fucked I am, but this blog entry is a testament to EVERYTHING I'M DOING WRONG. I'm sitting here bitching about this exam that I'm going to fail rather than praying to the baby Lord Jesus or lighting a candle in his honor or, you know, actually studying for the motherfucking patent bar exam.

So yeah, maybe YOU can light a candle for me? Or pray that Jesus rides in on his pterodactyl and saves the day. Because otherwise, well, I'm fucked.

Welcome to the real world, Friends style.

I've been reading a lot of stressed out bar studiers' statuses on Twitter/Facebook/etc and they all seem to be in the throes of bemoaning their lack of ability to find a job when they inevitably fail the bar exam.

PSA: passing the bar exam does not automatically grant you a golden ticket to Employment Avenue. 

(I know Joey...I'm shocked too!)

What it does is gives you the opportunity to seek legal jobs. And, if you're anything like me, the capability to receive HUNDREDS of rejections from aforementioned jobs.

I love you, Chandler. 

Now, I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer (okay, maybe I am), but that also means that this is good news: you can fail the bar and still be in the same boat as someone who PASSES it.

See? I'm a glass half full kinda girl. 

So study hard. And remember: even if you pass, you can fail. At LIFE. (Like me.)

And by love, I mean hate. 

Bar Exam Neurosis

Let's be clear: I don't use my blawg to create a persona. I am true to myself, and am perfectly fine being super ridiculous and nerdy and cheesy. 

So I'm gonna drop some truth on you right now: when it comes to test-taking, I am a NEUROTIC BITCH. Not like, oh, kinda crazy and don't bathe when it comes time to take the test. Like, have to regurgitate said test back in my hotel room so I can purge it from my mind forever. 

Yeah, you heard that right. I rewrite all the questions I can remember from the exam. Because I'm fucking crazy. (Although I would rather be crazy than think it's acceptable NOT TO BATHE WHEN I'M GOING TO BE IN PUBLIC.)

Proof is in the (cray) pudding. And my neurosis is especially evident in the fact that no,
you can't read my writing because I resized the photo to prevent such things from happening. 

Today, I managed to remember 94 questions from each session. No, I will not give them to you. No, I do not plan on disseminating them to anyone. I will probably burn them after this fucking bar exam, because really, they serve no purpose to me. They're just the byproduct of mental cleansing. 

And yet, I feel no less crazy now than when I started. 

(Don't judge me.)

(My mother does that enough for the both of us)

Day 1 of TBE in review....

Today was the first (half) day of the Texas Bar Examination. All things considered, I think I did okay. MPT wasn't difficult, only missed a few Texas civ/criminal procedure/evidence questions, and I left 15 minutes early.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), leaving 15 minutes early meant I missed some Texas Bar Exam drama. Apparently one of the test-takers asked to go to the bathroom during the last 15 minutes of the test. This is a no-no (might as well call it that, considering we're being treated like children). No one gets up during the last 15 minutes. No one is allowed to leave. Don't ask me why; it's just how it is.

So this guy throws a hissy and WHIPS OUT HIS DICK AND PISSES IN A ZIPLOC BAG. Yeah, you read that right. He withdrew his penis from his pants and emptied his bladder in the Ziploc he brought his things in. Then he apparently gathered all his shit, tossed that Ziploc on the ground, and peaced out...all during the 15 minute lockdown.

Aside from the obvious lack of social skills that somehow made this guy presume that withdraw his willy in public is a perfectly acceptable thing to do, I think a bigger issue remains....someone has to pick up that bag of piss.

So yeah. All things considered, I wasn't that person. I'm going to deem this day as a win.

(My friend Zilly was a row in front of this guy and saw the piss, and describes it so much better than I. Check out her account of things, INCLUDING HOW SHE WAS ABLE TO SMELL IT, here.)

Bar Card #3: Giveafuck

I've discussed dontgiveafuck before. It's inspired my latest card. Good luck with the final push!

Cards in anticipation of the bar exam

As my fuse grows shorter the closer I get to the Bar Exam, I find myself having to excuse or apologize for my behavior more than I'm comfortable admitting. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like Hallmark makes cards that concern the bar exam. 

So I made my own.

This is Card #1. More to follow. May God have mercy on our souls. 

Texas Hunger Games....I mean, Bar Exam

As the days run out, all I can think about is how I'm surely approaching my doom. Which gives rise to some excellent quotes from The Hunger Games:

"Stupid people are dangerous." 

"Here's some advice: stay alive." 

"Aim higher, in case you fall short." 

At any rate, hope you enjoy my little piece of "sunshine," just in time for the Texas Hunger Games Bar Exam. 

"Tick, tock."

Sad, but true....

The problem with having a law license in one jurisdiction while taking the bar exam in another....

Oh? You don't think I'm smart enough to practice in your state?

Motivation....lacking. 

This is your brain, bar exam style...

I'm pretty sure this is self-explanatory. 

(Pray to the merciful 6 lb, 8 oz. baby lord Jesus for my everloving soul....)

Would YOU willingly vacay in BEL?

It's crunch time in BarExamLand, the magical place where unicorns and rainbows go to die. 

Incidentally, that's where my soul has also gone to die. 

But it could be worse...I could be taking the bar exam in Louisiana....which started THIS WEEK.

We're alllll gonnnnna diiieeee (or: a bar exam update)

You know that point where it hits you that a HUGEMONGEOUS deadline is approaching and you are sitting there with your thumb up your ass and not a clue in the world with regards to the impending sucktasticness?

I'm there. 

I have 34 days to cram for the Texas bar examination, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail. I have no friggin idea what I'm doing. I have no initiative and I'm wandering around without knowing ANY OF THE LAWS. I *know* that I've done some stuff. But I don't think it's enough. I'm good with Contracts, but how about EVERY OTHER SUBJECT?

So today is the day I freak out, barricade myself in my hidey hole, and make suitable plans to study in remote locations where no one can find me.

All the while clutching my stomach, rocking from side to side, and murmuring about how I've been forsaken by my brain. And how WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE......

You tell em, Katniss. 

God help me.

It's okay Thursday....

It's okay....

To have tons of friends you've never met but feel like you've known forever via Twitter (and to love them bunnnnches). 

To be ridiculously excited to go watch Lord of the Rings and talk girl talk with an awesome lady I know in real life.....

That I'm blogging rather than hitting the road for an interview I have tomorrow....

To have a big, sequined, purple shower cap that I use on the reg, even though it makes me look like Miss Muffett and even though I work out every day....

That I use dry shampoo EVERY SINGLE DAY, regardless of when I washed my hair....

That bar exam studies make me want to kick a small woodland creature....

That my 11 year old brother and I spent two hours preparing/cooking a quiche that he wouldn't touch because of the texture....

That I had no such qualms...

NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

To be unsure of whether anyone can last because Ice-T and Coco are having marital problems..

THAT'S RIGHT TYRA. YOU TELL THEM.

Week 7 Schedule...TBE

Today is the first day I start realllllly hitting the ole books hard. I've posted a schedule for this week (7 weeks out) below, and I hope to stick to it. I've allowed myself one free day (Sunday) during which I'll either do nothing or use it to catch up on shit I've not done during the week.

If you'll notice, my schedule isn't nearly as terrifying as Barbri's. That's because I actually want to accomplish it. I've added supplemental in case I finish my daily grind, but that's not required.


Hope it may help you, if you're departing upon this journey by yourself as well.

Happy Monday.

Plan of attack for Texas Bar studying--where I stand, where I want to go #1

As I prepare by myself for the bar examination, I've pledged to update y'all on my blawg as to how I'm studying, what I'm doing, and my plans for the future. Here is a breakdown of the examination and a written analysis of what I've set out to do.....

Texas Essays: 

There are twelve Texas-specific essays (2 Real Property, 2 Business Administrations, 2 UCC, 2 Family Law, 2 Wills and Estates, 1 Trusts OR Guardianship, 1 Consumer Law, w/ crossover topics of Federal Income Tax and Bankruptcy). I've already retyped the notes for Agency, Bankruptcy, Commercial Paper, Civ Pro, Community Property, Consumer Law, Family Law, Federal Income Tax, and Oil and Gas. I'm working on Trusts at this moment. 

This means I need to tackle Corporations, Wills, Texas Real Property, Secured Transactions, , and possibly Contracts. I already feel moderately comfortable with Secured Transactions, because I had a friggin awesome teacher for that, and it's a UCC (aka: mostly national standard) topic. 

For this portion, I plan on retyping the notes that will be most helpful to me, which also means I have to go back through during the final week's review and fill everything in, which will function as a great refresher. For the subjects I feel less strong with regard to or which do no lend themselves to effective outlining, I plan to chart. The next couple of weeks, I'll finish reviewing these subjects, then circle back and start charting some more, plus add in actual essay practice. I'll probably begin essay practice in two weeks. 

MBE:

There are six MBE subjects (Contracts, Constitutional Law, Criminal Law, Evidence, Torts, Real Property). I also plan to work six days out of the week. Thus, I will devote myself to one subject per day, particularly with regard to MBE questions, for the first few weeks. Toward the end, of course, I'll swap to varying questions and focus on subjects I am not doing as well in. 

Texas Procedure and Evidence:

Texas P&E has me nervous, but it also only counts for 10% of the exam. As I've said, I've already rewritten Civ Pro, which was 70 pages and killed a piece of my soul, I'm pretty sure. This means I have to go through the Texas Criminal Procedure plus Civil/Criminal Evidence sections with a fine-toothed comb, because I'm not sure of all the differences. I did well with non-specific criminal law and evidence, but I don't want to get stuck because I don't know the distinctions. 

This subject is also much different because it's a short answer portion, which I didn't have on my last bar examination. As such, I have to print out several of the past Texas tests and start quizzing myself on these. I plan to spend two days per week studying and preparing for the P&E. I will begin by going through the notes and either charting or rewriting them (there are LOTS of pages, so I'm not sure how long this will take me), then I will force myself to take an entire 90 minute practice conditions exam, grade it, then focus where I obviously know jackshit. 

MPT:

This section is also worth 10%. I've already been tested on this on the prior exam, but didn't do as well as I would have liked. I think I may procure a Kaplan book to help prepare, because I've heard that Kaplan really helps in this area moreso than Barbri, and anything that may bring up the score a few points can't be a bad thing. I plan on addressing this subject once a week. 

Ultimately:

I don't feel nearly as nervous as I did, and I attribute that in part to the chart I created acclimating myself with the Texas Bar Examination. (I did a breakdown. I'll attach it on my next blog post.) This helped me visualize the examination, and made it easier to understand which subjects I'm going to need to tackle. In short, it made it seem less insurmountable. 

While I initially thought I was going to do a calendar marking out the next seven weeks, I decided instead to break it down on a weekly basis. On Sundays, I'll analyze my progress, update my blog, and plan out the next week's course of attack. I think this will be more helpful because I won't feel like I'm failing if I spend more time on a subject I really need to address or less on one I find I already know. If you're interested in a blank, fillable study chart, let me know, and I don't mind sending it to you. 

Adventures in Bar Exam Land

I feel that I've reached an impasse at this point of my bar studying. If you'll recall, I made the decision to study without enlisting the (ridiculously expensive) aid of Barbri, although I was given a full set of Texas Barbri books with which to study by a Twitter friend.

From this point, I proceeded to study throughout December to give myself something to do and so I wouldn't feel rushed about my studies in the new year....which, if you've ever studied for a bar exam, know that's LAUGHABLE. So ha ha ha to me.

As of now, I've finished retyping 8 out of 20 handouts; the subjects I've already tackled are Agency/Partnership, Bankruptcy, Texas Civ Pro, Commercial Paper, Community Property, Consumer Law, Federal Income Tax, and Oil & Gas. This leaves me with a shitton more to finish, and the slightly panicky feeling no one likes to have but most associate with impending bar examinations.

It's at this juncture that I need to seriously ask myself how much I'm learning by retyping. I think I've learned quite a lot, and I'm going to have to go through everything again and fill in the blanks, which isn't that big of a deal and which will definitely help to jog my memory. It's also helpful to retype because it ensures I've seen it at least once. However, I know I'm a charts person, and I passed my last bar examination largely in part due to my incessant charting. On the other hand, I also had lecturers last time, which assisted me in tackling what I'm now attempting to retype because I was guaranteed to HEAR everything at least once.

Today is the day I lay out the next eight weeks of my life in a calendar to keep myself accountable and so I can minimize my feelings of extreme malaise and discomfiture. So, I guess my ultimate decision is how I want to approach the bar exam from this point forward. Do I want to finish typing ALL of the handouts? (I have 700 pages left.) Do I want to try to read them and see how much I retain? Which subjects do I want to chart?

Regardless, I went ahead and made myself a breakdown of the Texas bar examination, including what all is on the essay, the percentage each portion is worth (in lovely pie chart form), and what to expect on each section. After I finish my calendar (likely tomorrow), I will post that . And I'm thinking of documenting either in daily form or weekly form what I've been doing by myself to get prepared for the barf exam. :)

What do Y'ALL think?

How to study for your law school finals....charts style

Due to the volume of people who happen upon my blawg while searching for law school charts, I decided I would give a brief tutorial as to how I used to create my charts for law school finals, as well as show you the style in which I drafted them. You're going to have to click these images in order to see the larger size, but it should be suitably ginormous when you do.

If you have ANY questions, please feel free to comment or email me at ms.dr.juris@gmail.com for more information.

"When you're getting ready to launch into space, you're sitting on a big explosion waiting to happen." --RIP, Sally Ride

I don't mind the plunge. I don't mind the secret dread leading up to a plunge.

What I hate? Waiting after the plunge to see if my parachute is going to open or not.

And that's where I am with regards to the bar exam. By my calculations, I have 19 days before I figure out whether or not I shall crash into the ground or somehow float in a clumsy landing that doesn't involve me spending my 25th birthday wallowing in a pit of my own misery.

I've spent the last couple weeks on an extended vacation. First, Branson with my family. Then a cruise with my boyfriend and his family. But now, I'm stuck waiting. This means I should probably pick up some old hobbies I gave up while preparing for the bar.

Like working out.

And giving myself manis/pedis (because my tootsies are looking BAD).

And deep cleaning my house.

And preparing eleventy billion job applications, most of which I will not receive a response to, and the rest that will end up stringing my along or summarily dismissing me with a rejection letter (which is better than the aforementioned silence).

Somehow, I don't think this will make the waiting process any easier. Which might give credence to Blog Creeper's suggestion of a medically-induced coma.

Although I just may prefer a tequila-induced haze.

Bar Exam Blues....

I leave for my hotel tomorrow. On Tuesday, I start the bar. I finish it on Wednesday. 

I rarely panic. Instead, my body chooses to exhibit stress in horrific ways. Like mouth ulcers. And stomach aches. And headaches. And other things that I have elected not to share with the blawg universe. 

Mentally, I am fine. I think it is because I am in a state of denial. I do not think I have studied enough, but I'm pretty sure no one ever does (and if they do, they're probably going to fail, because that's just moronic and they don't deserve to pass the bar if they're morons). When I sit for the test, I will be fine. 

My issues arise during the WAIT for my scores. I am "lucky" enough to find out my results on my birthday. Not at the beginning of the day, either. I receive the results at 4:00 in the afternoon. Anyone that knows me can tell you that I.HATE.WAITING. I love surprises, but not surprises like this. I like surprises like Christmas gifts. And good meals. And flowers. And edible arrangements. Even if I pass the bar and get positive results, there is no way that this can ever be considered a "happy surprise." What I guess I'm trying to say is my mental disturbance will almost certainly emerge during my waiting period. 

You have been warned.

In other news, I plan on watching the rest of my Agency/Parnership video tonight. I'll probably quickly review Wills/Trusts/Estates, and briefly glance at Corporations (because I'm pretty sure I've already disposed of that knowledge since watching it previously). Tonight I'll probably take a few MPQ questions and flip through my gorgeous laminated "templates." Tomorrow, I drive. And languish. And Tuesday, I sweat. 

To everyone else taking the bar, I have but one thing to say: 

Love you, H-dawg.