This whole apartment thing ain't working out anymore....(Or: I'm too old for this shit)

I go to bed around 1:00 (adjusted time) last night, savoring the extra hour to myself.

Then, around 4:30, I'm awakened by a woman's moans. I'm disoriented, worried, and blind (I've got 20/600 vision). I also hear "no."

I jump to my feet, grab around for my glasses. Can't find them. I rush to turn on the light. I'm pissed my gun is in the other room, not that I'd be able to shoot anyone if a woman were being assaulted outside of my window, since I can't see one foot in front of me.

Then I realize it's either (a) my neighbors having sex, with her being extremely vocal or (b) my neighbors blasting porn.*

As that awareness washes over me, my heart settles from about 220 beats per minute to a (still high) 150 beats per minute. And my worry turns to fury. I turn to the wall and beat on it three times, vowing to myself to call the authorities and report a domestic disturbance if it didn't cease (it WAS a domestic disturbance...they were disturbing me).

Ms. Oooh-Yes-Oooh-No shuts the fuck up.

But it takes me about twenty minutes to get rid of that adrenaline and settle back to sleep.

Undergrads. Can't live next to them. Can't shoot them with my 9.

*I'm guessing porn, due to her sounding JUST LIKE a fucking porn star. And owing to the fact that as soon as I banged on the wall, all noises stopped. Headphones? 

Best ad placement EVER

So today I was reading commentary on Chic-Fil-A. And then someone on facebook posted a link. I arrived to observe the best ad placement I have probably ever seen...ever. Behold the glory....

Barbri, Day 5 (aka: OMG, I'm starting to see legal questions in everything)

Today was Barbri day 5, as indicated in my title. While I realize that many argue that the word excruciating is one that precludes degrees (much like someone can't be "very unique" or "a little bit pregnant"), I personally think that there are degrees to excruciating, like thumbtacks v. bamboo shoots under the fingernails. Or like 7 hours of Barbri review given by the same guy who sounds exactly like Lewis Black. Which I would classify as REALLY FUCKING EXCRUCIATING.

I don't mind listening. I don't mind sitting attentively. And I don't mind the lectures. What bothers me is the mind-numbing monotony of it all. But that's what I've paid for, and I'll squeeze every damn penny of of the endless monotony.

Which brings me to my next point: OMG I'M TURNING EVERYTHING INTO BAR EXAM QUESTIONS (I'm also highly considering making some of my favorite movies into examples on how to get through portions of the Bar, starting with Kill Bill and Mulan. Trust me, there are shittons of legal scenarios I can use to construct a bonafide badass outline to get me through the Bar and help me remember. And perhaps I will...). Back to my point: tonight I was reading Above the Law, as I'm apt to do, when I ran across this gem of a quote from New Jersey's (Republican/stupid/aneurysm-inducing) governor with regards to his state defying a federal law against certain types of betting:

"We intend to go forward," the Republican governor said. "If someone wants to stop us, then let them try to stop us. We want to work with the casinos and horse racing industry to get it implemented...Am I expecting there may be legal action taken against us to try to prevent it? Yes," the governor said. "But I have every confidence we're going to be successful."

What realm are we in? Obviously Constitutional Law. What is this concerning? States' powers. What is the rule? Supremacy Clause--federal laws=supreme law of the land. And who will win? Duh: the motherfucking government. Apparently I learned a new word this week: federalism.

Although I think "motherfucking federalism" has a much better ring to it. And would be awesome if repeated in a Lewis Black voice.

The Eager Beaver

It is my fondest wish that people who do this:

A. Go color blind
B. Fall off a cliff
C. Break both hands in a tragic chainsaw competition accident
D. Flunk their patent law test
E. All of the above

See how I highlighted JUST ONE THING? Because everything highlighted=nothing highlighted.

Moron.