Another blog about nothing....

It seems like every time I sit down to write, either (a) I have nothing relevant to say, (b) I see something shiny, or (c) I end up deleting everything because I think it sounds dumb. I still have a second blog to write about whether or not new attorneys qualify for the patent exam, then the followups regarding HOW to apply (spoiler: it's a pain in the ass) and my plans of attack after I send mine in (it's finished, but money is tight). I've also been contemplating blogging daily about my prep for the Texas bar exam, which may serve as a "what not to do" in the end (although I don't plan on failing it--but then again, who does?). Since I have recently applied for another spate of jobs, I'm sure I could always finangle a blog out regarding how my life sucks because I'm unemployed, living at my parents' house, and have enough rejection letters to paper our living room with (no, but really, I do, and for some unknown God-awful reason, I KEEP them. All of them.).

Which leads me to my post today. I don't think y'all want to hear another whiny blog about unemployment. And my life isn't particularly interesting at the moment, although I find enough things to keep me entertained (namely, my 11 year old brother). I'm pretty sure y'all don't care about my eye exam visit (or the fact that I reeeeallly wanted that second pair of frames, BECAUSE THEY ARE CUTE AND I NEED MOAR GLASSES).

I'm also sure you don't care about my health woes or exercise escapades. And a large majority of my blog readers are taking final exams, WHICH SUCK AND I'M SO SORRY YOU'RE HAVING TO DO THAT. (Seriously.) Btw, those of you who find by blog by googling "no friends in law school"--your day will come, but for real, most of those guys are assholes, and the majority of my lawyer friends (save for about three) are people I met on twitter, because those guys/gals rock.

So yeah. This is really a blog about nothing. But it kinda feels good to write about nothing.

 (Oh look, grumpy cat hates law school finals too....)

(Or, in my case, studying for the bar....)

At any rate....

How to study for your law school finals....charts style

Due to the volume of people who happen upon my blawg while searching for law school charts, I decided I would give a brief tutorial as to how I used to create my charts for law school finals, as well as show you the style in which I drafted them. You're going to have to click these images in order to see the larger size, but it should be suitably ginormous when you do.

If you have ANY questions, please feel free to comment or email me at ms.dr.juris@gmail.com for more information.

More advice for 0L and 1Ls....

I was recently asked by a friend who is applying for law school this next year a multitude of questions about applying for law school, as well as what law school is actually like once you get there. I decided I might as well write a simple (less sarcastic than normal) piece on what I wish I had known when I entered law school and things that people will never tell you or might tell you and you will write off (like I probably did). Hell, I might even save you some money too. I'm sure you'll also read some stuff that you've already heard. Take heed, 0Ls....

1) Take the LSAT any time other than June/October. Preferably the winter A YEAR AND A HALF before you hope to enter law school. The LSAT is scaled, you see, so your scores are directly compared to those students taking it at the same time as you. "Good" law school prospects who do things by the book (and are typically well-prepared and smart) like to take it in June and October, because it's according to the proper timeline. Slackers like to take it in December (and February), so you're scaled against people who might not do as well, because of lack of preparation. Of course, this means you need to be ultra-crazy-ridiculously ahead, but there you have it...

2) Do not buy all your books before you get to school. I have a few books I never opened, because the professors depended on their own powerpoints and absolutely nothing out of the book other than cases (which can be looked up and printed on your own time). Instead, ask some upperclassmen (who are preferably of a prudent nature) which teachers require stringent reading and which are more lax and less likely to use the book.

3) DO NOT buy case briefs. If you have Lexis and Westlaw at your fingertips that will do it for you for free, why the HELL would you consider buying a "guide" that briefs the cases for you? Instead, buy some study aids that explain the subject themselves, because the rules are going to be tested, not the particular cases you studied. I loved Emanuel's Crunchtime for the criminal classes, and In a Nutshell for the more outline-friendly classes (like Con Law and any procedural class). Also as helpful: outlines from students who did well in the class before you, and the professor's own testbanks, which may be provided depending upon which school you attend.

4) 90% of the time, law school is only as hard as you make it. I'm the ridiculous one who liked to participate in the competitions and clinics. This means it was more difficult for me. If you are on law review or aiming for being the top person in your class, law school will probably be more difficult for you. However, law school is only TRULY hard around deadline days. This means deadlines for papers/required oral arguments and for finals. I know some people who never read a friggin case, and they passed. It most certainly was not with flying colors, but the point is that they never broke a sweat and somehow still managed to walk across that stage with the rest of us who had minor breakdowns throughout law school.

5) If you are going to choose a semester to kick some ass and take some names, it had better be your first semester in law school. Plenty of people (ahem: my career services lady in particular) told us the first week that grades are only one thing prospective employers look at when making hiring decisions. Except for your first summer job, when people are making their hiring decisions, it's typically in March. You know...before you get your second semester's worth of grades. And before you can really become active within your school. Or really do anything. So YES, THE FIRST HIRING DECISIONS ARE ALMOST SOLELY BASED UPON YOUR FRIGGIN PERFORMANCE YOUR FIRST SEMESTER. (And who you know. Unfortunately, I know no one.)

I'm keeping it short and sweet, or as short and sweet as I can make it, although if you have any questions, shoot me an email, g-chat me, or just pose it in the comments section of this blog.

Good luck.

Ten things I'd rather be doing than studying for the bar exam...

I'm tired. I'm lacking motivation. And I'm starting to get my ass handed to me during MPQ multiple choice question sets. It's demoralizing, degrading, and depressing. (Enough with the alliteration.) I would almost rather be doing anything else than this. Like making this chart about things I'd rather be doing than studying:

On second thought, I'd better be getting back to torts. Hope y'all are getting through it too!

I'd like to rearrange...your face

Things that really bother me while taking final exams:

1) Deep sighing
2) Vibrating phones (turn those bitches OFF)
3) Loud typing--is it necessary to batter your computer?
4) People that leave 40 minutes into exam (and it's three hours long)
5) Going blank (this one's totally on me--fault completely my own)
6) Rustling food bags--open it, get it over with, and for the love of God, please don't smack
7) Tapping and other random bodily twitches
8) People that make a big deal about leaving the room or asking a teacher a question
9) People who are apparently too stupid to quietly pack up their shit to leave

10) AND YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, slurping your goddamn Route 44 drink, WHEN IT'S OBVIOUSLY FUCKING EMPTY. 

I hope you fail....

I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you....

I hope you're diagnosed with a condition that makes it impossible to drink from a fucking straw. 

Sometimes I amaze myself...

So I learned how to make gifs....and I was like

There goes my studying....

The Eager Beaver

It is my fondest wish that people who do this:

A. Go color blind
B. Fall off a cliff
C. Break both hands in a tragic chainsaw competition accident
D. Flunk their patent law test
E. All of the above

See how I highlighted JUST ONE THING? Because everything highlighted=nothing highlighted.

Moron.

Law School Exam--A student's imminent domain

Every law student I know has a specific study style, but almost all of them I know do some of the following shit during final exams, and almost certainly has a setup during said exam that looks strikingly similar to the one I've shown below. Allow me to guide you through the preparatory setup of a law school exam.

A:  the last chance at a hot drink before your final begins. At best, your Starbucks is lukewarm, and all the caffeine has rendered your tastebuds nil, but you've somehow convinced yourself that this caramel macchiato is going to give you that boost you need to succeed. (Good luck with that)

B:  your trusty laptop, which is probably on its last legs of life since you've inadvertently spilled yesterday's Starbucks on it. Watch for this awesome machine to suddenly shit out on you in the middle of the exam.

C:  Earplugs. To try to drown out the commotion that the obnoxious fucker (probably you) is probably going to cause during the exam.

D:  some sort of food that not only crunches when you eat it, but that gives off a fucking noxious odor that makes the people around you (whose stomachs and systems are also filled to the breaking point with caffeine) want to simultaneously barf and kill you. You dumbass motherfucker.

E:  5-hour energy. Taken when you start flagging--generally 1/3 of the way in. Need I say more?


F:  the Diet Coke you're going to pop in the middle of the goddamn exam right as I've come up with something brilliant to say. This, of course, will make my mouth water, and also make me lose whatever train of conscious thought I had going.


G:  see D, only this is SUPERSIZED, so you want to make sure to eat it in the middle of the exam and make AS MUCH FUCKING NOISE OPENING THE BAG AS POSSIBLE.

H:  the sole pencil you have for the Scantron whose lead will probably break halfway through filling in the bubbles. You probably even had to bum this off of someone else. Because who uses pencils?

I:   the eraser you've somehow managed to keep since you were a 1L purchasing school supplies. It will be in the bottom of your bookbag, probably covered in some kind of foreign substance.

J:  pens. Because you're almost definitely going to have to write something by hand, even if you don't want to.

K:  six fucking colors of highlighters. Because you're apparently still of the mindset that you should use the highlighting system generally only utilized by first week 1Ls before they decide to stop reading altogether.

L:   the watch you've finally remembered to bring after the last time you got COMPLETELY fucked by the proctor administering the exam.

M: the space reserved for the test that is probably going to make you want to vomit a little bit.

Now, if you look closely at the picture, you'll notice two things enclosed outside of the desk, but no less prevalent in the preparation of a law student for final exams. 

N:  the non-prescribed pills that the law student has been popping for the previous 72 hours prior to the exam. Adderall to pick you up, Ambien to put you down (after the exam, naturally), and God knows what else.
O:  RedBull almost certainly chugged down as if it was the breastmilk obtained from the teat of knowledge....except it's not and it probably isn't going to sit well with the 17+ other types of caffeine you've been swilling for the last umpteen hours.

Not enough hours in the day.....

The end of school is rapidly approaching, and I'm confronting life with all the grace of a lumbering wildebeest and the social skills of a velociraptor.

I have three finals in the course of a week, six memos to finish for ONE clinic, final hours for a judicial externship, a 10 page paper for the aforementioned judicial externship, and OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE..................

My heightened surliness was recently remarked upon by my mother, Mad Maxine, who has a velociraptor approach in every avenue of life (thus making her observations that much more poignant).

Max: you've gotta relax a little bit. You've been bitchier than ever lately. What calms you down?
Me: Tequila.
Max: No, seriously.
Me: I am being serious. Tequila.
Max: Okay....
Me: So what do you suggest?
Max: Tequila.


If you need me, I'll be under my desk clutching my bff bottle.

The moment of "truth".....

True story: my first semester in law school, I made some friends, read for classes, but didn't do any form of group study or extreme outlining. I did study a lot before final exams, and I felt like I knew the materials. However, I have a background in science and lacked the 4+ years of persuasive writing training many of my colleagues received in undergrad. Needless to say, I got through finals feeling like I probably did average on my exams. The average at my university is a B- (whereas almost every other damn law school in the country grades on a B), so the average is a 2.67. Imagine my shock, frustration, and general agony when I got my grades back and realized I had a 2.4 GPA. 

LET ME REPEAT THAT: A 2.4 GPA.  

I know plenty of people that don't give a fuck about their GPAs. In the A-personality, ultra-competitive realm of law school, this matters. And it mattered a whole hell of a lot to me. 


Cut to now: I've finally managed to break the 3.0 GPA, and although I may not* graduate with honors (although maybe the baby Lord Jesus could grant me a miracle and do something to ensure all A's next semester---I SAID IT WAS A MIRACLE, NOT A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY, PEOPLE!), I'm back on track and managed to land a really good job my 2L summer. This brings me to my subject today...

There are a lot of blawgs regarding what the hell you are supposed to do when you receive your grades back for the semester and they aren't nearly as good as you expected. If you are #1 in the class, give yourself a hand, because you're the only one that's going to be clapping. Coming from someone who has lived through it, though, I'd like to offer some words of comfort, things you aren't supposed to do, and things that actually helped me when I got my shitastic grades back the first week of my second semester.

#1

First, here comes the shitty reality: you are probably going to have to lower your aspirations regarding a summer job, particularly when it comes to interviews conducted at your school for summer positions. This doesn't mean you can't get a job at all, but these jobs almost always have a certain GPA or class rank requirement. It does, however, mean you are going to need a lot of positive things to put on your resume that overcomes the shitty GPA. Which leads me to my second point....

#2

Join some clubs; take an active interest in the extracurricular aspect of law school (and no, I don't mean participating in Keg Wars, an actual event at my university); do some volunteering; participate in competitions; DO ANYTHING THAT WOULD REFLECT POSITIVELY UPON YOUR RESUME. You may not have the highest grades in law school, but if you are below the fifty percentile, then you damn well better be able to show the interviewer you were doing something other than squandering your student loan money and developing some form of substance abuse dependency during your tenure at law school. Yes, you will have to actually participate in these clubs. Think of it as building your diplomacy skills....and take comfort in the fact that your classmates are, in fact, idiots.

#3

Next, you seriously need to assess yourself and figure out why the hell you just bombed your finals. Take time the first week of classes (or whenever you get your grades back) to email your professors and set up a one-on-one meeting with him/her (this means ALL of your professors, even in the classes you did okay in) to discuss what you need to do differently, what you did well, and why you scored how you scored. I had one professor actually break down how he used to test (and let me tell you, he's a smart mf) during his law school grades and how he prepared. This helped me immeasurably and directly influenced how I did the next semester.

#4

Buy the right study guides. Not all study aids are made for all people...or subjects. DO NOT EVER buy the case briefs. They don't actually teach you the subjects, and they encourage you not to read. Plus you can get that shit for free online. I've found a method that generally helps me.

If the class runs like a history test or mainly involves a rule, get the "Nutshell" for it. It helps for classes that you are going to need an outline in. Classes like Constitutional Law and Real Estate Transactions and Decedent's Estates. The nutshell actually gives you the history, the definitions you are going to need, the situations when things apply, and puts it in an easily outlineable form. I CANNOT recommend the Nutshell series more highly for outlineable exams.

For exams that have a lot of exceptions and are more "flow chartable," you need to get the Emanuel Crunchtime. This is for classes like Evidence and Criminal Procedure and Civil Procedure. Emanuel is pretty much, well, my Emmanuel.

#5

In 2L year, consider classes that are not going to fuck you over. This is not to say to take all easy classes. You are going to have to take the Bar and should definitely take a large number of courses that will be on your bar....you will NOT like having to learn them all in 6 weeks. However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't choose classes that play to your strengths, and consider professors who may share your beliefs and writing styles. So many times, the exam is not based upon how much you know (almost everyone knows the damn material), it is based upon how well you are able to appeal to the person grading it.

Aside from these tidbits of information, I can also tell you that you are not out of luck or out of hope. Plenty of people  get lax their second semester and let their grades slip. Plenty of others are incapable of working with others and cannot secure a job regardless of their 3.75 GPA. Even more still cannot interview. What I am saying is that it is never too late. 


Besides, unless a position specifically requests your GPA or class ranking, there is no need to put it on your resume. 

Your guide to an open-book law final.....

Law students like to make a big deal over not having to study as hard for open book/notes-allowable finals. To them I say "Are you FUCKING NUTS?????"


You see, it has been my experience that professors with those types of finals take this as a challenge.

A challenge to cram as much material possible into a three and a half hour long exam.
A challenge to make it into a 60 multiple choice exam with 3 long essay questions.
A challenge to cram eleventy billion issues into a 30 page essay question.

These professors are ruthless. They have no conscience. They consider torturing poor law students during the holiday season to be the star on top of their damn Christmas trees (or the candles in their menorahs, if you will....)

But there is hope. If, at the beginning of the school year, you actually read their syllabus, there are certain techniques you can utilize to beat these sadists at their own game. Behold the glory:

1) Highlight anything they discuss at length in class. Yes, this requires you to listen. But if they go over it and over it in class, you can pick their favorite shit and regurgitate it during the exam. They love this.

2) Tab the important cases. If they EVER say "this is a landmark case," then you can bet your sweet bippy it will be on the exam. Be prepared. Brief that shit (Westlaw should suffice), write it in the columns, and write a few cases that may also be relevant after it's over. You'll be glad you did.

3) Be aware of the notes. After the cases are the true test landminds--hypos and cases that didn't make it to front and center. These are dangerous, and much more likely to show up in an exam than the cases you were required to brief. Take an interest in these cases. Fuck the real reading--read this instead.

4) When creating your outline, make a table of contents. A lot of these exams depend on how well you can cross-reference, not how well you can write. This means to number your pages, be able to go from one topic to the other in a pinch, and GET THERE QUICKLY. Table of contents enable this.

5) Write page numbers in your outlines. You know how you highlighted your shit earlier? PUT PAGE NUMBERS THROUGHOUT YOUR OUTLINES--that way you can open your book to the information, your notes to the information, and cross-reference to your little heart's desire.

6) Prepare your answers. This is good for any final, but especially for those finals you can bring materials to. Write your CRuPAC, or whatever weird mnemonic device you've been taught, and then fill in the rest. This saved my ass in Civ Pro.

Yeah, this isn't rocket science, but it's also not necessarily things you think about until you're under the gun in the test you walked into with the mindset that it won't be that bad. Guess what? IT IS THAT BAD. As State Farm commercials say, don't be a Jerry. 15 minutes or less could save you from cold sweats later (okay, I used Geico commercials too). All's I know is I don't want to be the guy who drove his car up a fucking pole.

It's embarrassing.

And completely unnecessary.

Baby Mama Drama....

Tomorrow is my first final. As a result, I've been doing anything--and I do mean anything--to avoid studying. I have washed my dishes (the most hated of ALL THINGS). I have closed my cases out for a clinic. I'm caught up on all my washed laundry (but still have to fold shit--the second most hated of ALL THINGS). I've gotten a haircut (which no one has noticed--I fucking HATE final exam weeks). I have planned an outing in the dog park for Crackers. The stockings are hung by the window with care. I've been clothes shopping at Goodwill. I've got a stocked pantry too.

So now, unless I want to clean out my disgusting car or spend the entire day vacuuming, I had better get to some studying.

My final is in domestic relations.

I think I'll turn on some Jerry Springer for real-life case examples.

The zombie apocalypse...law school finals style

I got into a lively discussion with some of my twitter friends the other day about the impending zombie apocalypse and whether a crossbow would serve as an adequate weapon. Then I realized something today.....I've already been preparing for it!!! So far, I've compared law school finals to the Rocky series (aka: getting my ass whooped and coming back for more), being on serious and dangerous medication (the adverse side effects are already manifesting themselves, y'all) and now, I've got another basis of comparison:

There's no doubt about it: preparing for law school finals is like readying yourself for the pending zombie apocalypse, only you can't kill the people around you that are trying to suck your soul from your body and render you a member of the undead....unfortunately. So, like all good law students, I'm sure you want to be ready, and I've prepared a list to ensure that you remain one of the living. Ready yourself....

1) Devise a plan: you know yourself. You know your capabilities. Don't plan for being able to do shit that is obviously beyond your capabilities. If you are slow, prepare your car should you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. If you are stupid, simplify your outline.

2) Stockpile a food arsenal. A week before final exams (which coincides nicely with Thanksgiving in the fall semester, just so you know), prepare about three freezable meals. Put those bitches in single serving tins (makes about 12-15 meals) and freeze them. Or just go to the grocery store and buy 15 boxes of Hot Pockets, 5 frozen pizzas, and ten gallons of Red Bull.

3) Buy dry shampoo: No matter if you are killing zombies or slaying finals, you are going to want to appear clean....even if you aren't. I recommend at least three cans of dry shampoo, a light body mist (NOTICE I SAID LIGHT), breath mints, and a prescription strength deodorant. Even if you are dead doesn't mean you have to smell like you are.

4) Important documents: even the CDC has recognized the possibility of a ZA. They recommend getting all your important documents together, and I couldn't agree more. This means you need a copy of your school id, the outlines you can actually bring in to tests, your study aids, and blue books, should you be a handwriter.

5) Medications: if you are on ANY prescription drugs (e.g. birth control, adderall, narcotics, or Viagra) be sure to have these prescriptions filled before the end of the semester craziness ensues. Trust me, you don't want to need your Viagra and not have it.

6) Preventative supplies: your immune system is down; you are surrounded by sick people; you are probably going to get sick. Buy zinc, the only thing proven to shorten a common cold, AND USE IT. Get some Advil (which you can take with alcohol--you can't drink with Tylenol, btw) for the head/backaches you're likely going to encounter. For that matter, buy some booze too. You know what they say....an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

7) Earplugs: you surprisingly don't see this on many lists. I say surprisingly because you are obviously going to need to muffle sounds--the sounds of fellow students or the sounds of gunfire as you're plowing down zombies. Duh.

8)   Adequate weaponry: this can be combined with your important documents, but there's so much more that can go with your weaponry. May I suggest your killing theme song (my personal choice being "Bohemian Rhapsody"), your highlighters, outlines you've managed to procure from people indubitably smarter than you, and dollars for snack machines?

9) Your "wolfpack": I'm with Zack Galifianakis on this one. You need your wolfpack--this doesn't mean you have to study with them, but it's always nice to have someone to accompany you as you drink yourself into oblivion. Also, they may be able to provide you with outlines, and they'll have your back (hopefully--I've got doubts about fellow law students, to tell the truth) should a zombie sneak up on you.

10) Avoid large groups of people: you can never be sure which of these people is waiting to morph into a zombie. And by zombie, I mean the asshole who starts bemoaning the upcoming exam, or mindfucking you into believing the exam you just took may have anally had you. It's also harder to study with large groups of people, and you tend to go out and drink as a reward for a half hour of "studying."

Do you have any tips for surviving the upcoming apocalypse?

Law school finals: take only as directed

We are rapidly approaching finals times. And everywhere, you will hear law students bitching and moaning about these upcoming tests. If you have any kind of relationship (father, brother, lover, sister from another mother) with a law student, let me be the first to offer my condolences during this incredibly difficult time.

If you are in a relationship with a 1L and have yet to experience the joy of final exam times, let me tell you: they should come with a warning label. Essentially, law school finals (hereby shortened to LSF) are like a drug with which you have terrible TERRIBLE reactions, even if you aren't technically taking them.

This is what the drug label would look like:

I don't recommend them.

HAPPY FINALS, PEOPLE!!!!

Thanksreceiving

It's been a really great day. A really really REALLY great day. I've washed about a quatrillion dishes and gained about eleventy billion pounds, but that's okay.

I'm thankful for my little brother, who keeps torturing my poor dog. I'm thankful for my parents, who drove to ME to prepare and devour our delicious meal. I'm thankful for Leonidas, who was unable to be with his family today and has been stuck at work unable to leave for the past fifteen hours. I'm thankful my football game isn't until tomorrow, and hopeful the Hogs play the second AND the first halves to their greatest potential (here's looking at you, Aggies).

I'm thankful to be able to represent children who might not otherwise have an advocate looking out for them. I'm thankful for the opportunity to plead down two felonies to misdemeanors yesterday for one of those clients. I'm thankful to have the chance to present a full Crawford v. Washington confrontation clause defense before I ever graduate law school. I'm thankful for two more weeks to cram in all I need to do before finals start.

I'm excited for Christmas. And Christmas trees. And Christmas decorations. And purchasing and wrapping cheerful presents for other people. And possibly dressing Crackers in a silly Christmas costume and posing with her in front of the aforementioned Christmas decorations.

I'm fearful of the next few weeks and the incredible amount of work I have to accomplish before it's all over (I equate it to childbirth). But thankful....because I have an amazing support system, a roof over my head, a dog that loves me unconditionally....

and about three weeks of leftovers. YAY FOR TURKEY (and dressing, pie, casserole, and other soon-to-be-frozen items)!!!!!!

Ethicality....it's all relative

So I passed the MPRE after being pretty damn sure I had failed it back at the beginning of August. And I not only passed it, but I passed it by a pretty decent margin! Before I start bragging though, maybe I should consider how the MPRE is actually scored.....

In states across America, people are required to pass this little test with 50 real questions and 10 questions with which they've designed to torture future test-takers . You are scored on a weighted scale, with 50 being the lowest score and 150 being the highest (because I guess a 0 would be too brutal, right?). The highest score required in our great nation to practice is an 86, for the holier-than-thou states of California and Utah (yeah right). In order to get a 100, you have to get anywhere between 32-37 questions right. There's a five question zone because difficulty of the test determines type of scaled scoring. But just to clarify, this constitutes as a 64%-74% "grade," depending on how moronic the particular people are that are taking the test. This awesome site provides an awesome chart that puts the median at about 97, although it's actually lower for August test-takers. This means that the average person is about 70% ethical. Since I am "math-adverse" and don't like discussing statistics (eye twitching is not a good look for me, folks), I'll leave the standard deviations to this guy. (For the record, I'm actually above the curve in ethicality, although I'm pretty sure that means nothing in the practice of law.)

This does NOT take into consideration that to actually pass this thing everywhere, you only have to make an 86. Based on some of my fuzzy math (100/34=2.941 THEN 86/2.941=29.24), I calculated this to mean that in order to practice law, you honestly only have to be 58.5% ethical.

Which is a failing grade on any test I've ever taken.

But trust us....because we're lawyers.

MPRE....in the words of the ever relevant Mortal Kombat, FINISH HER!!!!!!!!

So I'm taking the MPRE this Friday, and haven't done very much in way of studying aside from taking a class in Professional Responsibility. Which I didn't do nearly as well on as I would have hoped. Which is the test I cried over after I finished (you can read about that here). So I may just have a mental block against it. Or maybe I'm just not ethical. Or maybe I think ethicality (call me Palin, cause I just made up a word) can be summed up in one sentence: if you have to question whether it's ethical or not, it isn't. And if you're just not a very ethical person and don't pause to consider the ramifications of you actions, KARMA will get around to you.

Isn't that so much easier than requiring me to sacrifice a few hours of a perfectly good Friday to take this test? And sacrifice even more days hours trying to cram a bunch of wacky rules into my already packed brain?

Not to mention weathering the ramifications of potential flashbacks due to my overwhelmingly negative experiences with this subject?

I should sue for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

The only thing worse than law school finals....

is WAITING FOR THE GRADES from the law school finals.

Let me clarify: I'm pretty sure 1Ls have it the worst the second semester of each school year, because their professors literally wait until the very last day to submit their grades. 2Ls are lucky in that they take classes with 3Ls, which means the professors have to turn in their grades so the 3Ls can graduate. 3Ls don't have it that bad in terms of waiting....unless they have to pass a particular class to graduate and have to wait to see if they will be walking down that aisle.

But the first semester of a school year, we're all on even footing. This means we are suffering, and I don't know about you, but a five week wait for your grades is excruciating to me, not because of the worry I may not pass a class, but because of the ANTICIPATION of awaiting my grades. This stress and anxiety is amplified a quatrillion times by the system we have to use to collect these grades. We can only sign into this system between certain hours of the day (which means weekends are even worse! Damn you, 12-12 availability). We must then click on an option to view our grades. But no, this is not it. We must THEN select the semester's grades we want to see (as if to say, no, Ms. Dr. J, we don't have your grades now, but would you like to see that C- you made last year?). May I also impress upon you how difficult the selection process is while using a cell phone? My fat fingers cannot manage to navigate this process smoothly. No....it requires about three "refresh" clicks, a couple of "back" clicks, and a shitton of cussing.

And then, what do I see?

A BIG FAT TON OF NO GRADES.

Excruciating, I tell you. There should be an easier option. I mean, WHY is my grade from a totally multiple choice scantron final examination not posted? Why do I have to jump on one foot while rubbing my tummy to see these grades (or lack thereof)? WHAT ELSE DO PROFESSORS HAVE TO DO THAN GRADE MY EXAMS? (We all know they live at the school and don't even go to the bathroom).

But then again...maybe it's just better not knowing.

For this bountiful semester, I thank you, baby Lord Jesus....

I think finals should be celebrated much like Thanksgiving....with praise to the dear baby Lord Jesus, many thanks, and reflection regarding the reasons you should be happy with your life. So, without further contemplation, here are my reflections upon the school semester (on the subject of lessons learned, things I am thankful for, and things I would probably do differently):

1) You are not always in control of your grade. Especially in classes that require you to demonstrate a skill and rely on another person's reactions, performance, and unforeseen obstacles....sometimes that A is just not in the cards. (Or that B....)

2) I would not hire most law students to be my lawyer....I'm not talking now. I am talking about five years down the road when we are established and certified to practice law. In five years, I would not want 90% of these people to be my lawyer. I understand waiting until the last minute for something that impacts your life, but not waiting until the last minute for a huge case that impacts another person's life. Another big reason: these people do not give a shit about anyone except themselves. Selfish lawyers and potential lawyers....do us all a favor. Jump off a bridge (or move to Cambodia and live under one).

3) I will not take another class that is not required just because it may be helpful on the bar exam. I do not do as well in these classes, I don't listen as hard as I should during the year, and I almost certainly end up having to teach myself the subject last minute. Which I would have done anyway before the bar....and certainly closer to the bar. Not making this mistake again. (Read: if you are not interested in this subject and not self-motivated enough to keep up with it through the year....it.is.not.worth.it.)

4) Sometimes, maybe you should consider planning your schedule around your final exams. Back to back final exams in difficult classes are NOT fun. They are even less fun when they are both at 8:30 in the morning. Tests on the same day=spontaneous combustion. Yeah....I need to start looking at final exam schedules.

5) I should dwell on the questions I got wrong a whole lot less. Worrying is not going to make it better. Obsessing is not going to somehow change my answer for me. Comparing notes will only serve to frustrate me. It's probably best I walk away from the exam and drink myself into oblivion, so I black out and cannot remember not only how I got in my bathtub, but even the subject I was tested on.

6) I'm thankful I go to classes. It makes it a lot easier to study when I actually decide to buckle down and do so.

7) I'm thankful I have teachers that write the books from which they teach. It makes it easier to know what they *may* want on their exams, although this is not a guarantee. If nothing else, it helps you when going through an E&E that says something different, because, HEY, in their book, they say _____________.

8) Maxine and Leonidis will never get law school finals. While this is frustrating, I'm also thankful for it, because this means they can empathize and not try to one-up me with a similar law school horror story. I'm also thankful because it means that they've not ever had to deal with the gut-wrenching terribleness of a LSF...which I (mostly) wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

9) Drinking is not an adequate way to deal with LSFs. I mean this. I like alcohol as much as the next gal. But I liked this one phrase that came out of the movie "How Do You Know?" (an otherwise completely useless bullshit movie that I do NOT recommend you seeing) where Reese repeats her father's mantra: "Don't drink to feel better. Drink to feel EVEN BETTER." I like this. I drink in celebration. However, I will maintain my earlier option that if you are simply drinking to forget, then that doesn't count.... ;)

10) I'm thankful for post-finals celebratory sushi. Sushi tastes even sweeter when you are eating it after endless days of micromeals, black coffee, and power bars. No really...it does.

What are YOU thankful for/reflective about/reluctant to do again?

There once was a girl from law school...

A girl with law exams back to back,

Was decisively starting to crack.

The moment arose--

her computer froze,

That's what she gets for using a Mac.

One of my professors wanted our class to come up with limericks for Wills, Trusts, and Estates cases. Suffice to say, I find it hard enough to read any cases, so I didn't jump on that particular bandwagon. Additionally, limericks are supposed to be entertaining and the only way you could make that class interesting would be to conduct it in a Jerry Springer format (c'mon, don't tell me the subject isn't just ripe with potential for chanting, personal comments into the "microphone," and the occasional (simulated) bitch slap). This got me to thinking: what if I were to write limericks all the time? (To answer that question: I would probably be considered far more annoying than I already am viewed and eventually be stoned by a large group of people with a mob mentality and an unquenchable taste for blood--although I suppose I wouldn't be considered as annoying/pretentious as someone who went around composing haikus all the time.)

Take the above, for example: I love my PC. I'm not quite sure what all the hullabaloo is about Macs. They don't have a right-click buttons, they need special software to be compatible to anything remotely cool out there, and they've essentially ripped off Lenix, smacked an apple logo on it, and labeled it "trendy." Sure, they may not be any worse than PCs....but they certainly aren't superior. (And you're paying mondo mucho buckeroos for that free operating system and picture of an apple.) I wouldn't wish this on anyone...but it sure would be fun to watch (refer to my post regarding my relationship with technology--I frequently am that girl...why can't I wish it on someone else for a change??)....

Or how about a limerick for how I feel right now, which cannot be described with any good adjectives like funny, witty, or even alive (okay, alive isn't an adjective, but you get my point)....

I once went two days without sleep,

after weeks of minimal upkeep.

I decided to waive

any chance of a shave,

in exchange for counting some sheep. 

I'm pretty sure that's self-explanatory. I'm exhausted. I've had about five hours of rest in the past sixty hours. I'm to a point where I get halfway through a thought and completely lose it. I can't even focus on what people are saying. I resorted to caffeine for a perk (not my cup of tea, so to speak). No more. Now, I get to relax in my wonderfully comfortable bed with brand new clean sheets and a chance to finally recharge. 

Oh yeah, and law school exams are over. Unfortunately, the cruel evidence of the harrowing two weeks remains...glaring at me (and others) like two accusing caterpillars sitting on my face. 

 To the students whose exams go on...

I hope you have shittons* of fun.

For me, I'll be snoring,

 In my bed. Have fun poring

Over books. I'm offically done... 

(Bitches)

*pronounced to rhyme with "kitten"

GOOD NIGHT!