Things not to say to unemployed, job-seeking attorneys

I wrote this post back in October, never dreaming that nearly a seven months later, I'd still be without a job. But here I am, and here it is. At the time, I was rubbed raw about a comment about my unemployment, and wrote this as a response. However, I didn't post it because I feared repenting in leisure. Today, I'm not angry. I'm not upset about anyone's words. And I'm really glad most of my friends have jobs. I will admit I'm extremely frustrated about my self-perceived lack of forward momentum and the way I feel stuck in neutral while the rest of the world passes me by. I yearn for a sense of autonomy. A sense of purpose. And let's not forget actually having cash on hand. Regardless, I think this is a good and somewhat funny post and it seems a shame to let it lay around in my drafts folder. 

Also, enjoy this excellent gif of how I react when anyone tries to tell me about what I should be doing differently during my job hunt: 

Just...no.

JOBLESS AND HOPELESS: 

 Some of y'all out there don't realize how much your words may hurt. Allow me to bring that to your attention...............

Things Not to Say to Newly Minted, Unemployed, Job-Seeking Attorneys

1. “Why don’t you just work pro bono for a while?”
   
   
    OMG, I’D LOVE TO WORK PRO BONO. I’m assuming you’ll be paying for my malpractice insurance in case someone sues me? No? Oh, then you’ll pay any court costs that arise for my clients who cannot pay filing fees and cannot get them waived? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP.
   
   
2. “Wow. After seeing how hard of a time you’re having finding gainful employment, I’m so glad I’ve got a job!”
   
   
   I do not care how well-meaning you are. This comes across as smug. And offensive. And generally douchey. And quite frankly, I’m not sure how you think comparing your employment to my PROFESSIONAL LIFE SUCKING is supposed to be (a) supportive, (b) empathetic, or (c) appropriate in any setting.
   
   
3. “What are you doing wrong?”::deep breath:: I really don’t want to have this conversation with you. I also REALLY don’t want to rip your head off. If I’m doing anything wrong, it’s surrounding myself with assholes like you. But seriously, I invite you to look at legal employment statistics, right now: here, here, and here. Then I invite you to shut the fuck up.
4. “You can open your own practice! It will be easy!”
   
   
   I’ll forgive you for your ignorance this one time. Firms cost money. And I’m unemployed. And I don’t have malpractice insurance. And I don’t have any forms. And I’ve never practiced law before, so my potential for screwing this up is remarkably high. I also can’t afford a legal search engine. And I’m scared. And did I mention I have no money?!?!
   
   
5. ::quotes depressing employment statistic::
   
   
   Good for you! You read the above links and know about unemployment in America! Again, how is it supposed to make us feel any better? If anything, it makes us feel worse, because we’re now a statistic, and these numbers don’t offer anything in way of improving our situation.
6. “Maybe you should lower your expectations.”

   You’re absolutely right! I should work at Footlocker! Or for no money! And no benefits! Also, I should absolutely welcome sexual harassment from the skeezy guy that’s offered me a great “business opportunity.” Look, buddy: I’m not looking for a $100,000 per year job. I just want to get paid for my work. And I’d like to work in a field where I’m utilizing the degree for which I’m currently paying student loans. If my expectations get any lower, I might as well cut up my cardboard box and get out my Sharpie marker. 

Being unemployed and looking is hard. I’ve applied for a lot of jobs. I’ve been rejected by all of them in some fashion. I know many people are well-meaning, and just as many just don’t think before they open their mouths. However, it hurts. My first student loan bill just came in. And if you don’t think I had a mini-breakdown thinking about my inability to repay these debts, then you’d be wrong.

None of us like to show how much this continuous rejection hurts. I like to make funny posts about my bevvy of job-hunting fails because it minimizes the fear and upset and confusion and uncertainty. We also don’t like to tell you to shut up, because a lot of times it’s the people closest to us that are making these comments.

So please, before you try to “empathize” with new (or even old) lawyers that cannot find a job, think about the comment you’re about to make. If it’s anything other than “I’m really sorry” or “I hope things start looking up for you,” then don’t say it. Treat us like we’ve just suffered some great loss. Because we have. We have lost our confidence. And our faith.

And even though we know it will eventually get better, it doesn’t minimize the enormity of now. 

No, she doesn't leap buildings with a single bound...because she isn't GIVEN THE CHANCE. 

101 Wednesday, #2

Remember that time I told y'all I would start doing 101 Wednesdays, but then didn't update for a reallllly (ridiculously, embarrassingly) long time? Yeah. I'm not really sorry, but I can pretend I am.

I was going to do it, but then I carried on living my life. 

Good news is that leading my life consisted of tackling a few things on my list. Specifically, I can report that I crossed off numbers 4, 19, 59, 78, and 92 and started on quite a few more. And here is my synopsis of living my life and crossing things off lists (which is my FAVORITE)....

Like smiling, only with lists

4) Pass Texas Bar Exam: I found out on 05/02/13 that I passed. I'd like to be all cool and say I was really reserved and totally expected to pass, but the truth was I was drunk because that was the only way my mother could tolerate me that day (thus she enabled my margarita habit) and that I nearly had a stroke in the backseat of my own car (she was driving, given my impaired condition) when I heard the joyous news. I got sworn in this Monday (05/13/13).

Pretty sure I did something akin to this in my car.
The spinning may have been because of margaritas, though. 

19) Participate in a 5K: a few weeks before I took the Texas Bar Exam, I was clearly experiencing a bout of dementia, and thus signed up to run in a local 5K benefiting the Lion's Club Camp (great cause, people). I then ran it THE WEEKEND AFTER MY BAR EXAM. I'm going to let that sink in for a second. To say this was ambitious was an understatement, especially given my tendency to hate running and life in general after such a harrowing event.

Then I went, and I won the damn thing. It was 3.35 miles long (a quarter mile longer than the 5K is supposed to be), and I ran it in 28:02, which means I actually ran faster than a 27 minute 5K, which has always been a goal I wanted to meet. I even got an award and everything. (Note: I won the entire woman's event, and that was partially because the fast awesome beasts of women were running the 10K and left me to my rookie 3.1 miles, but DAMMIT, I'LL TAKE MY AWARD AND MY CONGRATS AND THAT IS THAT.)

59) Drink the requisite 8 glasses of water every day for a week: I started trying to do this around the beginning of January, and around the end of March, I not only started doing it, but I made it a habit. I'm now drinking 8-10 (or more) glasses of water every day, and I'm glad I embarked upon one thing that may benefit my health in the long run.

Now if only I could break my horrible crack and list addictions...

78) Roast marshmallows around a campfire: my little brother was slated to have a sleepover for his 12th birthday, complete with marshmallows and ghost stories and all that. I made him adorable invitations to said event, which he went and distributed to his friends..including GIRLS. :) Imagine my mom's chagrin when one of the girl's moms texted her inquiring about the "co-ed sleepover"  (all in good fun). Long story short, everyone came over, a good time was had by all, and I ate those GINORMOUS marshmallows normally reserved for chubby bunny games at church lock-ins.

(Also, if you never played chubby bunny in a church lock-in, I don't particularly feel sorry for you, because it ruins your ability to enjoy marshmallows for a really long time while simultaneously making you unattractive to the opposite sex for however long it takes them to mindbleach your grotesque and contorted face from their memories.)

92) Meet up with at least one of my twitter friends in real life: while taking the Texas Bar Exam, I got to meet Zilly and Amby!!!! THIS WAS AWESOME. THEY ARE AWESOME. I lerve them. And I am now resolving to meet more of my twitter friends in real life. Kayla, YOU'RE NEXT.

(Amby and I went out for dinner the night before the exam, which calmed my nerves, and she gave me an adorable "bar exam gift bag" which was precious and awesome and DID I MENTION I LERVE HER? Zilly was kind enough to cart my ass down to the testing site and not strangle me when I got too annoying--because let's not lie, I'm annoying and those tests don't exactly bring out the best qualities in people.)

101 in 1001 (Or: my addiction to lists is showing)

The 101 in 1001 days challenge has been around for quite some time, but (like always) I'm just now getting around to it.

I've decided to start today (12/20/2012), and it will end on September 17, 2015 (09/17/2015). (Jesus that's a long time away.)

As I complete them, I'll cross them out, and hyperlink to any blog entries I may have composed about particular goals I accomplished. And I really REALLY want to finish these goals. 

For convenience and ease of grouping, I put them in specific categories. 

Professional Goals

1)            Pass Louisiana Bar Exam

2)            Take a case to trial

3)            Land a great job

4)            Pass Texas Bar Exam

5)            Win a difficult case

6)            Take and pass the Patent Bar

7)            Become accomplished enough in my career that I feel comfortable speaking to undergrad students in my old department about it

8)            Speak to undergrads about career options with respect to my experiences

9)            Write a legal article and submit it for publishing

Personal Goals 

10)        Buy a house

11)        Pay off my student loans

12)        Start a savings account

13)        Become an expert at something

14)        Build or refinish a piece of furniture

15)        Build a budget and stick to it for one month

16)        Do one thing I have always said I would NEVER do

17)        Reconnect with two old friends

Self-Betterment 

18)        Donate 100 hours of pro bono time

19)        Participate in a 5K

20)        Discover a healthy activity I love doing

21)        Don’t cuss for an entire day

22)        Read ten classic novels

23)        Develop a nighttime skin/winding down routine and stick to it for two weeks

24)        Watch five classic movies

25)        Complete one, real, honest-to-God pullup

26)        Take a spin class

Altruism

27)        Write someone a thank you note for influencing me in a positive way

28)        Send someone a care package

29)        Hand write my grandmother a letter

30)        Digitally store and create at least one photo album for my mom

31)        Knit my little brother a scarf

32)        Buy someone a gift just because I can

33)        Give blood

34)        Plant a tree

Educational Endeavors 

35)        Educate myself about the stock market (at least 2 books)

36)        Reeducate myself about ancient history and modern geography (at least 3 texts)

37)        Revisit learning Latin

38)        Visit a museum

39)        Visit the Smithsonian

40)        Go to an orchestra performance with my little brother

Artistic Endeavors 

41)        Audition for a movie or show

42)        Take a painting class

43)        Participate in another play/musical

44)        Watch a Broadway play

45)        Sew something that I’m not embarrassed of

46)        Visit the opera

47)        Perform a musical number with my little brother

48)        Put an Earl the Squirrel story into writing, and make brother illustrate it

49)        Watch a stand up show/routine

Cooking

50)        Make homemade bread

51)        Make a homemade cheesecake

52)        Discover my signature dish

53)        Take a cooking class

54)        Make Christmas cookies with my little brother

55)        Create edible gnocchi

56)        Make a homegrown pesto

57)        Plan and execute an elaborate dinner, complete with tapered candles and music

Autonomy

58)        Do the dishes every night for an entire week

59)        Drink the requisite eight glasses of water every day for an entire week

60)        Go to bed by 11:00 every day for an entire week

61)        Get up at 6:00 every morning for an entire week in order to work out

62)        Change my own oil at least once

63)        Go through ALL old pageant clothes and donate, sell, or trash 90% of them

Travel Plans 

64)        Travel to NYC

65)        Take Josh to New Orleans

66)        Travel abroad

67)        Go camping

68)        Attend my 10 year class reunion

69)        Visit the Grand Canyon

70)        Visit somewhere with crystal clear waters and snorkel

Electronic Age

71)        Digitally store and sort all of my old photos online

72)        Fix an electronic of some sort

73)        Create photo albums of all my precious moments

74)        Finish photo editing photos for important moments (graduation, vacations, swearing ins)

75)        Store all of my old schoolwork digitally and get rid of all the paper I scanned

76)        Organize all of my files and documents

Just because I can.... 

77)        Get my concealed carry

78)        Roast marshmallows around a campfire

79)        Decorate a gingerbread house

80)        Take a partners dance class

81)        Buy myself a piece of jewelry

82)        Buy a hammock and lay in it

83)        Try eyelash extensions

84)        Plant a garden

85)        Frame and mat my diplomas

86)        Read the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy

87)        Grow, dry, and drink my own tea

88)        Mail a secret to Post Secret

89)        Pay for a fancy meal for me and the bf

90)        Compose a list of 101 things I’ve already accomplished of which I’m proud

91)        Have a day at the spa

Online Presence 

92)        Meet up with at least one of my twitter friends in real life

93)        Write a blog entry once every day for a week

94)        Break 500 followers on Twitter

95)        Redesign my blog

96)        Market my blog in such a way that I become more mainstream and relevant/pick up   more followers

97)        Blog 10 haikus

Grown Up Stuff 

98)        Host Thanksgiving

99)        Throw a dinner/themed party

100)    Discover and add three new vegetables to my diet

101)    Stand up for one person who is being ganged up on, regardless of the setting

Equipping my dream office

One of these days, by golly, I'm going to have an office. And clients. And maybe even practice law. And if I'm dreaming, I'd like to do it in a decent part of town, with a climate-controlled building, in a space I fill myself. 

What my dream office shall (and what, realistically, every law office should) be equipped with:

1. I'm geekishly in love with this Viscante oak executive home office, found here (I actually used that stock photo as my office and added everything else I wanted). I want it all: the hutch, the desk, the EVERYTHING.

2. Framed certificates depicting my awesomeness (undergrad and law school degrees, and law licenses)

3. A super-sexy all-in-one copy/fax/scan/email machine. I'd love to be almost completely paperless (although I'd maintain one paper copy of each client's file for safekeeping).

4. A lateral filing desk, in which to keep the aforementioned paper copies. 

5. An ergonomic, back-loving office chair (like this one, the golden standard, from Herman Miller).

6. A really wide computer monitor. Because I'm blind. 

7. Westlaw Next. Because it's awesome. 

8. A chair for potential clients. Comfortable, but not too comfortable (because I want them to leave).

9. A Keurig. We all need caffeine.

10. Wall art. (The Razorbacks are gonna win it all next year, I TELL YA.)

11. Appropriate lighting. A girl has to see.

NOT PICTURED:

11. A sofa. Plush. (Because I might want to nap on it....duh.)

12. Bookcases upon which to display my vast knowledge of the law. Ha. (Okay, my outdated legal encyclopedias that will impress clients.)

13. External hard drive. If my computer crashes, I have to be prepared.

OPTIONAL, THOUGH PREFERRED:

14. A great view.

15. A stellar paralegal.

Texas Bar Examination update

Update on Texas Bar Examination:

1. Please don't forget to send in your letters of good standing. ::facepalm::

2. Also, don't forget to send in your MPRE results. (Goodbye, $25...)

3. I somehow forgot to sign a notarized document in the Texas Bar Exam packet. Like, it was notarized, but I just didn't sign it. (What the hell is wrong with me?!!?!?)

4. Can I restate how amazing my Twitter community is? Particularly Adamdm4, who sent me his Barbri books to study with. :)

5. Though I've had my mess-ups along the way, Texas has been extremely nice throughout the entire application process, so there IS that....

6. I've been retyping the lecture handouts with blanks to fill in with my own handwriting, which is a long and arduous task that I'm afraid I am going to give up soon....

7. But I've made it through Agency/Partnership. And Bankruptcy. And Texas Civil Procedure. :) This is good, no? 

8. On the other hand, that means I've completed ~100 pages. Out of the phonebook that is Barbri.

::gulp::

9. Today I'm focusing on Federal Income Taxation. Then I might reward myself with some Criminal Law review. I'm such a rebel.

10. I've officially got all of my Texas documents turned in. Now....we wait. (And rejoice.)

Red flags while job hunting

As I've mentioned eleventy billion times, I'm hunting for a job. Most recently, I had a lead on a criminal defense position in a satellite office close to where I'm situated now. Since criminal law is ultimately where I want to end up, I applied and got an interview, which I attended and bitched about earlier. I also sent him a revamped appellate brief, which is actually pretty good.  And then I spent last night driving seven hours to make it to another pseudo-not-really-but-kinda-is-an-interview this morning.

And now that I've met with him, I can tell you I'm tired, disgusted, and pretty fucking disillusioned. But never fear...from my failings, I can give you some pointers on detecting red flags set forth by an employer (okay, just this employer). 

(For the record, I'm pathetically ridiculously proud of this image.)

Red Flag #1) Doesn't value your time

I got to his firm twenty minutes early, following a three-hour long car drive. After waiting forty-five minutes, I was told he was held up in court and couldn't make it. They also acknowledged that they were requesting something unusual that required the judge to clear the courtroom, which meant it would occur at the end of the docket. This tells me (a) this delay was entirely predictable and (b) even with this knowledge, no one cared enough to inform me about the almost-certain delay.

Red Flag #2) Lack of preparation

I try to give employers the benefit of the doubt on this one, particularly since they are typically inundated with resumes and cover letters and ALL THE THINGS. However, he hadn't read my resume, and spent the first ten minutes in silence reviewing it.

Awkward. Unnecessary. Story of my life.

Red Flag #3) Lack of interest in getting to know you

During my interview, he didn't ask me a single personal question. He also didn't listen to my answers, as evidenced by asking about several things I had already mentioned (not followups, either). I'm pretty awesome. Why wouldn't someone want to get to know me?!!?!?

Red Flag #4) Poor relationship with past employees

I shit you not, almost immediately after beginning my interview, this would-be employer (from now on called "WBE" for short) started loudly shit-talking the people that had formerly worked at this office. This shit-talking ranged from calling them terrible at their jobs to making veiled accusations that they somehow perpetuated fraud against his firm. I'm not just talking about one person--he talked shit about two previous associates AND his current law-clerk, whom he uses like his little Girl Friday.

Red Flag #5) Open demonstrations about lack of give-a-fuck regarding clients

This WBE invited me to meet him at the court for observation (I guess...the meaning wasn't super-clear to me, and remains rather elusive still). I got there, and within one minute, he tells me he arrived without the case file for his client. I can understand mistakes, but he's completely unapologetic about it. He's actually bordering on gleeful, telling both me and his client that he could be put in jail for being unprepared. I begin to wonder if this is part of his fucked up manipulation of the court system....

Red Flag #6) Lack of Discretion

I'm not sure what prompted this confession, but the WBE began to brag about blowing a .16 and being arrested, then making the DUI go away. There were (and still are) no words.

Red Flag #7) Tax Classifications

After my first meeting with this guy, I went to my CPA to discuss everything, and she equipped me with one question to ask him: would I be filing a 1099 or a W2? He told me today it'd be a 1099, which is for independent contractor status. When I asked how he would be showing the $2000 per month he'd be taking off for overhead, he told me it wouldn't show on my check and I wouldn't be able to write it off. He also told me I would be classified as an employee (which I don't think is feasible without much more worrisome tax implications), a status that is normally afforded a W2. I'm still confused about this.

Red Flag #8) Lack of "knowledge" about his firm

I don't care who you are. If the guy "in charge" begins to pretend or genuinely doesn’t know anything with regard to specifics about his firm, its incorporation, and tax/liability issues that may arise, then I don't really want to work for him. Because that's scary.

Red Flag #9) Use of offensive language

This is pretty self-explanatory. I'm in his office for three minutes today when he gets a phone call with bad news. He openly and explosively uses the term “mother fucker” several times. Unless you're Samuel L. Jackson "interviewing" someone, THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE in such a setting. (And I'm obviously no prude when it comes to offensive language, but there is a time and place, ladies and gentlemen!)

Red Flag #10) Asks for favors

This guy takes the cake with regard to the biggest WHAT THE FUCK moment I've probably ever had with a potential employer. While at home, I receive a call asking about the writing sample I've agreed to send him. Obviously, this is before any job offer has been made/considered. I explain I'm back home in the boondocks (another state away) for my little brother's livestock shows, and that I'll have to send it when I access high-speed internet (no joke, my parents still have dial-up).

After hearing I'm not in the state, he (hand to God) says, "Well, I guess that means you can't make an appearance for me in court tomorrow."

You're right. I can't. And I NEVER EVER WILL.

The end. 

More advice for 0L and 1Ls....

I was recently asked by a friend who is applying for law school this next year a multitude of questions about applying for law school, as well as what law school is actually like once you get there. I decided I might as well write a simple (less sarcastic than normal) piece on what I wish I had known when I entered law school and things that people will never tell you or might tell you and you will write off (like I probably did). Hell, I might even save you some money too. I'm sure you'll also read some stuff that you've already heard. Take heed, 0Ls....

1) Take the LSAT any time other than June/October. Preferably the winter A YEAR AND A HALF before you hope to enter law school. The LSAT is scaled, you see, so your scores are directly compared to those students taking it at the same time as you. "Good" law school prospects who do things by the book (and are typically well-prepared and smart) like to take it in June and October, because it's according to the proper timeline. Slackers like to take it in December (and February), so you're scaled against people who might not do as well, because of lack of preparation. Of course, this means you need to be ultra-crazy-ridiculously ahead, but there you have it...

2) Do not buy all your books before you get to school. I have a few books I never opened, because the professors depended on their own powerpoints and absolutely nothing out of the book other than cases (which can be looked up and printed on your own time). Instead, ask some upperclassmen (who are preferably of a prudent nature) which teachers require stringent reading and which are more lax and less likely to use the book.

3) DO NOT buy case briefs. If you have Lexis and Westlaw at your fingertips that will do it for you for free, why the HELL would you consider buying a "guide" that briefs the cases for you? Instead, buy some study aids that explain the subject themselves, because the rules are going to be tested, not the particular cases you studied. I loved Emanuel's Crunchtime for the criminal classes, and In a Nutshell for the more outline-friendly classes (like Con Law and any procedural class). Also as helpful: outlines from students who did well in the class before you, and the professor's own testbanks, which may be provided depending upon which school you attend.

4) 90% of the time, law school is only as hard as you make it. I'm the ridiculous one who liked to participate in the competitions and clinics. This means it was more difficult for me. If you are on law review or aiming for being the top person in your class, law school will probably be more difficult for you. However, law school is only TRULY hard around deadline days. This means deadlines for papers/required oral arguments and for finals. I know some people who never read a friggin case, and they passed. It most certainly was not with flying colors, but the point is that they never broke a sweat and somehow still managed to walk across that stage with the rest of us who had minor breakdowns throughout law school.

5) If you are going to choose a semester to kick some ass and take some names, it had better be your first semester in law school. Plenty of people (ahem: my career services lady in particular) told us the first week that grades are only one thing prospective employers look at when making hiring decisions. Except for your first summer job, when people are making their hiring decisions, it's typically in March. You know...before you get your second semester's worth of grades. And before you can really become active within your school. Or really do anything. So YES, THE FIRST HIRING DECISIONS ARE ALMOST SOLELY BASED UPON YOUR FRIGGIN PERFORMANCE YOUR FIRST SEMESTER. (And who you know. Unfortunately, I know no one.)

I'm keeping it short and sweet, or as short and sweet as I can make it, although if you have any questions, shoot me an email, g-chat me, or just pose it in the comments section of this blog.

Good luck.

Making Short-Term Goals

I recently read a post by one of my friends discussing various (financial) goals she made for herself and accomplished, and it made me seriously consider the state of my own affairs/life. Yes, I've graduated from law school and passed the bar, and yes, I've been scrambling to find a job, but I haven't really sat down and analyzed my goals in a logical, coherent way. I'm a person who bites off more than she can chew, and I tend to overwhelm myself with goals, which is why I rarely make them. I, instead, mostly focus on the little things day by day, and hope that I eventually reach the big picture.

While I realize a large part of my frustration has to do with the (shitty) economy and lack of (respectable) legal jobs for new graduates, there has to be a better way of approaching my joblessness and mounting desperation resulting from the realization that I may be, quite possibly, a true member of the boomerang generation. Thus, I sat down and asked myself DATES I'd like to have certain things materialize by, and what I would need to do in order to accomplish those goals. This was difficult, because a lot of my aspirations have everything to do with other people and their decision to hire me, which is something I can only marginally control.

Nonetheless, I've created a list of goals that I hope to realize within the next few months. Here goes....

These months are the tentative dates I hope to have these particular things accomplished by, and while there are some big ticket items on there, I realize I may not accomplish things in this order. However, there's nothing I like better than crossing stuff off a list, so wish me luck.

What goals are y'all seeking to accomplish in the next few months?

Post-Bar Reflections

It's now been a week since I took the Arkansas Bar, and I figure it's about time for another blog entry. I figure it's easier to break it down in numbered lists, since I tend to think in a more linear fashion when doing so.

1) On Tuesday morning, I took the MPT. For those of you that don't know, this stands for "Multistate Performance Test," and it's essentially where the bar examiners give you a crap-ton of information and tell you to write a brief on it. Twice. 90 minutes per essay. The first one was great. It was about confrontation clause and evidentiary issues, and I had a blast. And I ultimately spent about 10 minutes too long on it. The second essay sucked. It was about nuisance (and let me tell you--I HATE TORTS!), and it didn't seem as if I could adequately match the facts I had with the eleventy billion elements required to make my argument. I didn't score too well on the second question, I'm afraid. But that's okay.

2) On Tuesday afternoon, I had the MEE to contend with. This stands for "Multistate Essay Examination" (I think, and if it doesn't, it should). I had six essays, and three hours total to figure it all out and write on it. Essay subjects were interesting, to say the least, and consisted of a TOTALLY lame LLC question that pretty much everyone hated, a wills question (which I loved--it wasn't too terribly bad), a domestic relations question in which grandparents wanted custody (good luck with that), a criminal law question about some dumbasses who spread marbles across a road (involuntary manslaughter? I think so), a secured transactions question that wasn't too terribly bad, and a civ pro question about a woman who hadn't reported sexual harassment in the workplace and whether a judge's decisions about the suit were appropriate.

3) Most people think the MEE is the shittiest portion. It definitely isn't fun beforehand, because you have a total of 12 testable subjects, and will only get 6 questions. Of those six questions, you may have mixed topics, topics that are VERRRRY minuscule in comparison to the rest of the information covered, or something that you may not have covered at all. You cannot bullshit your way through them like the MBE, because you don't have multiple choice answers upon which you can base your answer. In short, it's exhausting trying to prepare for it, and terrifying that you might have missed the areas of law that may be tested.

4) On Wednesday, I took the MBE (Multistate Bar Examination)--it's a 200 multiple choice exam divided up into two sessions. You have three hours to complete each of these sessions. Now, here's where my opinion differs from MANY other peoples' who took this exam: I didn't think it was that difficult. AND THAT SCARES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's always been the case that any time I walk out of an exam thinking it wasn't that bad....it was. I finished the morning exam with about 30 minutes remaining, and the afternoon portion with about 15 minutes remaining. This doesn't seem big, but plenty of people run out of time.

5) I think my surprise with MBE's questions arise from the fact that I considered BarBri's questions to be much more difficult/demoralizing. I felt like I was able to more easily identify the "tricks" certain bar questions were getting into, and I didn't think the questions were unfair, although I was SHOCKED by the number of questions that dealt with Secured Transactions (as this wasn't *technically* a testable MBE subject). Ultimately, I'm more afraid about the fact that I didn't leave this exam afraid.

I will find out my scores on my birthday, August 31. This is one of the shortest turnaround times in the country, for which I'm thankful. However, I'm afraid I'm going to have a very shitty 25th birthday, if for no other reason than because I have to wait until 4:00 to receive my results. If I fail, I'll retake the examination. It truthfully wasn't that bad--it was much worse because you don't know what to expect, rather than because of the subject matter. Studying is never any fun, particularly when it consumes your entire summer. However, it's necessary (and if done correctly, doesn't have to overwhelm your life, in my opinion). I hope everyone else had a reasonably okay testing experience, and I hope we all make it out as bona fide lawyers.

Anyone else have any thoughts on the bar exam?

Ten things I'd rather be doing than studying for the bar exam...

I'm tired. I'm lacking motivation. And I'm starting to get my ass handed to me during MPQ multiple choice question sets. It's demoralizing, degrading, and depressing. (Enough with the alliteration.) I would almost rather be doing anything else than this. Like making this chart about things I'd rather be doing than studying:

On second thought, I'd better be getting back to torts. Hope y'all are getting through it too!

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me....

I generally tend to talk a lot about law school, and now that I'm done, about bar prep. I rarely talk about myself in a strictly personal sense, because I like to pretend that I'm operating under the shield of anonymity. What the hell, though? This is my blog and if you don't like this particular entry, you can content yourself with the law-related blog that's sure to follow.

There are relatively few things I can't live without. Here are a few of the things that make my "have to have" list.

1) Sleep--obviously, we'll all die if we don't sleep. However, if I do not sleep, I have the added benefit of being a raging bitch. I need at least 8 hours per night, and I tend to get in bed early rather than sleep in.

2) Citizen jeans (specifically, the Dita style)--this past Christmas, my awesometastic boyfriend invested in a pair of ridiculously overpriced jeans for my wardrobe. He somehow hit the amazing-jeans lottery, because these ARE.IT. I'm really short (5'2) so the inseam (31") works awesomely with a pair of heels, and the rise in front and back are high enough to cover asscrack without looking like mom jeans. The Oxford wash is as buttery as velvet. They feel like money. And I've bought 3 pairs since (off ebay, of course). Which brings me to my next obsession:

3) Ebay. I love ebay. I love deals (but hate couponing), so this is my site of choice. I'm constantly trolling, and wish I had MOAR MONIES so I could buy ALL THE THINGS. Normally I'm content to buy tiny things off of ebay, or things I would be purchasing anyway (so I might as well get a good deal on it, right?).

4) My support pillow. You know those hideously ugly pillows that offer you back support and have the arms? Ugly as sin? I couldn't bring myself to buy one for the longest time (both due to ugly factor and the fact that I didn't want to shell out $15, since I'm a huge cheapskate). Now, I'll never go without my ugly-as-shit pillow.

5) Intuition razor--like the support pillow, I hate shelling out the money for the cartridges. But they're worth it. And anything that ensures my legs aren't hairy and scaly is worth a few extra dollars (but seriously guys, why the hell are razors so effing expensive?!?!?!?!).

6) Candle warmers--these are cheap. And amazing. I can always have melted, amazing-smelling candles in my house. And I don't have to worry about burning down my house or setting my eyebrows on fire. (The latter has happened before, only it was a grill and IT'S A LONG STORY, SO GET OFF MY BACK.)

7) My Dinair airbrush makeup--spent lots of money on it. Worth it. Enables me to quickly apply my makeup, covers everything I need to cover, allows me to blend two or three colors to get the perfect match for my skintone, and doesn't break me out. Also, the makeup ends up lasting a lot longer than most foundations I've used.

There you have it...seven things that I consider to be personally awesome. You're welcome.

Barbri, Day 2

Barbri Day #2 is over, although I do have some "homework" I apparently need to go over. Today was a lot worse than yesterday, namely because it went over Real Property and Contracts, and I very much so suck at both of those subjects....particularly Contracts.

Guy teaching the courses (same guy for both, both on a video) was funny. He reminded me of Louis Black. Without the cussing. Which may have made Contracts a whole lot more fun and memorable, but alas, I'll never know.

However, there are a whole lot of points I think I should make regarding today:

1) There were dramatically fewer people in my class today than yesterday, namely because they figured they could see the same videos from home. I cannot do that because (a) I have the attention span of a gna---oh, wow, look at that shiny object! and (b) I will never get around to watching all the video or take the video seriously when I could be doing a multitude of other, more worthy things (like sleeping, or eating, or sleep-eating).

2) Real Property sucks just as much now as it did 1L year, but Real Estate Transactions played a MUCH larger role in this section than anyone else let on it would. Ergo, I'm thankful I took the latter course, even though I shudder every time I hear the word mortgage.

3) Our class should really devise a system of shutting our books and letting the daily administrator know  when we are finished with our preview test, so we don't spend an extra 15 minutes Facebooking inside a classroom instead of getting out early and Facebooking from the privacy of our own homes.

4) I've GOT to start packing a lunch, because one of these days, I'm not going to be so lucky about snagging a parking spot when I leave and come back to school.

5) Okay, people. We get it. The dude just repeated himself four fucking times. I see how you might think that's funny. Personally, I think you should probably just write it down over and over again, so you might remember it for the Bar. Because, you know, if he's saying it seventeen times, IT MIGHT BE IMPORTANT.

In addition to these notes, I think it's fair to say that this course is pretty damn good. I'm learning a lot, and even though I emerge each day with a headache, I figure I'm getting my money's worth. I've also taken up bicycling again (8.5 miles today) to deal with the stress of studying, and also so I can look decent in a majorly fucking hot swimsuit I plan on wearing at the end of the summer.

Is anyone else taking Barbri? What do y'all think of it so far?

I'd like to rearrange...your face

Things that really bother me while taking final exams:

1) Deep sighing
2) Vibrating phones (turn those bitches OFF)
3) Loud typing--is it necessary to batter your computer?
4) People that leave 40 minutes into exam (and it's three hours long)
5) Going blank (this one's totally on me--fault completely my own)
6) Rustling food bags--open it, get it over with, and for the love of God, please don't smack
7) Tapping and other random bodily twitches
8) People that make a big deal about leaving the room or asking a teacher a question
9) People who are apparently too stupid to quietly pack up their shit to leave

10) AND YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, slurping your goddamn Route 44 drink, WHEN IT'S OBVIOUSLY FUCKING EMPTY. 

I hope you fail....

I hope your girlfriend breaks up with you....

I hope you're diagnosed with a condition that makes it impossible to drink from a fucking straw. 

Law school vacation...I mean, competition.

Went to law school competition this weekend. And by weekend, I mean Wednesday through today (Sunday). As I have class on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday only, this means I missed AN ENTIRE WEEK OF SCHOOL. Happily, I'm regaining about 12 hours of free time per week that I am no longer devoting to practicing for the competition, so I should be able to mitigate missing so much school.

So, highlights of my week include:

1) The two feet of snow that fell while visiting. Thank God I packed snowboots. And purchased sweater tights. And that I like snow.

2) Visiting the Molly Brown Museum. She did so much more than survive the Titanic. I seriously recommend visiting if you are ever in Denver. She's a remarkable woman and a monument to to the women's rights movement.

3) Arguing in a real courtroom. It was marble. With real wood. And I got to introduce blown up evidence (i.e. evidence that was enlarged, not set on fire). And make really sweet arguments. (ON THE GROUNDS THAT IT'S DEVASTATING TO MY CASE!!!)

4) $65 per diem. Enough said. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.

5) Losing all the competitions, but winning the mingling award and gleaning the best prize of the night: free drink tickets. My teammates loved me for this. (Although those huge gavels were pretty fucking sweet, too.)

6) A hotel room all to myself. Apparently my school is awesome. And understands the possibility of women killing each other if forced to room together. My room was baller. The view? Not so much.

Some of the not so awesome things that I experienced while on my "boondoggle" to Denver (you trial comp people know what the hell I mean by that):

1) Missing the opportunity to eat at Crepes & Crepes. DAMN YOU, SKEWED SENSE OF DIRECTION. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL.

2) Missing my dog. I'd like to thank a VERY good friend of mine, Tigger (she'll get this reference), for watching my crazy Crackers. I'm eternally grateful, and glad to be home with my goofy dog.

3) Not having any type of schedule. Our itinerary was one of a bunch of half-drunk fratties on spring break: we had no fucking clue what was going on. My coach isn't big on communication. Didn't know my flight number. Or my hotel name. Or my flight time. Or when any of the competitions were. Or my middle name. You get the drift. Thus this blog was spawned by my freaked out (and obviously sarcastic) mother, Maxine.

I could go on and on, but I'm going to save it for tomorrow (or perhaps the next, after I've fully recovered from this trip) when I blog about the politics of law school competitions, and perhaps offer a few friendly pointers for those considering competing in such a program.

And maybe tell a funny story or two.

Maybe.

The moment of "truth".....

True story: my first semester in law school, I made some friends, read for classes, but didn't do any form of group study or extreme outlining. I did study a lot before final exams, and I felt like I knew the materials. However, I have a background in science and lacked the 4+ years of persuasive writing training many of my colleagues received in undergrad. Needless to say, I got through finals feeling like I probably did average on my exams. The average at my university is a B- (whereas almost every other damn law school in the country grades on a B), so the average is a 2.67. Imagine my shock, frustration, and general agony when I got my grades back and realized I had a 2.4 GPA. 

LET ME REPEAT THAT: A 2.4 GPA.  

I know plenty of people that don't give a fuck about their GPAs. In the A-personality, ultra-competitive realm of law school, this matters. And it mattered a whole hell of a lot to me. 


Cut to now: I've finally managed to break the 3.0 GPA, and although I may not* graduate with honors (although maybe the baby Lord Jesus could grant me a miracle and do something to ensure all A's next semester---I SAID IT WAS A MIRACLE, NOT A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY, PEOPLE!), I'm back on track and managed to land a really good job my 2L summer. This brings me to my subject today...

There are a lot of blawgs regarding what the hell you are supposed to do when you receive your grades back for the semester and they aren't nearly as good as you expected. If you are #1 in the class, give yourself a hand, because you're the only one that's going to be clapping. Coming from someone who has lived through it, though, I'd like to offer some words of comfort, things you aren't supposed to do, and things that actually helped me when I got my shitastic grades back the first week of my second semester.

#1

First, here comes the shitty reality: you are probably going to have to lower your aspirations regarding a summer job, particularly when it comes to interviews conducted at your school for summer positions. This doesn't mean you can't get a job at all, but these jobs almost always have a certain GPA or class rank requirement. It does, however, mean you are going to need a lot of positive things to put on your resume that overcomes the shitty GPA. Which leads me to my second point....

#2

Join some clubs; take an active interest in the extracurricular aspect of law school (and no, I don't mean participating in Keg Wars, an actual event at my university); do some volunteering; participate in competitions; DO ANYTHING THAT WOULD REFLECT POSITIVELY UPON YOUR RESUME. You may not have the highest grades in law school, but if you are below the fifty percentile, then you damn well better be able to show the interviewer you were doing something other than squandering your student loan money and developing some form of substance abuse dependency during your tenure at law school. Yes, you will have to actually participate in these clubs. Think of it as building your diplomacy skills....and take comfort in the fact that your classmates are, in fact, idiots.

#3

Next, you seriously need to assess yourself and figure out why the hell you just bombed your finals. Take time the first week of classes (or whenever you get your grades back) to email your professors and set up a one-on-one meeting with him/her (this means ALL of your professors, even in the classes you did okay in) to discuss what you need to do differently, what you did well, and why you scored how you scored. I had one professor actually break down how he used to test (and let me tell you, he's a smart mf) during his law school grades and how he prepared. This helped me immeasurably and directly influenced how I did the next semester.

#4

Buy the right study guides. Not all study aids are made for all people...or subjects. DO NOT EVER buy the case briefs. They don't actually teach you the subjects, and they encourage you not to read. Plus you can get that shit for free online. I've found a method that generally helps me.

If the class runs like a history test or mainly involves a rule, get the "Nutshell" for it. It helps for classes that you are going to need an outline in. Classes like Constitutional Law and Real Estate Transactions and Decedent's Estates. The nutshell actually gives you the history, the definitions you are going to need, the situations when things apply, and puts it in an easily outlineable form. I CANNOT recommend the Nutshell series more highly for outlineable exams.

For exams that have a lot of exceptions and are more "flow chartable," you need to get the Emanuel Crunchtime. This is for classes like Evidence and Criminal Procedure and Civil Procedure. Emanuel is pretty much, well, my Emmanuel.

#5

In 2L year, consider classes that are not going to fuck you over. This is not to say to take all easy classes. You are going to have to take the Bar and should definitely take a large number of courses that will be on your bar....you will NOT like having to learn them all in 6 weeks. However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't choose classes that play to your strengths, and consider professors who may share your beliefs and writing styles. So many times, the exam is not based upon how much you know (almost everyone knows the damn material), it is based upon how well you are able to appeal to the person grading it.

Aside from these tidbits of information, I can also tell you that you are not out of luck or out of hope. Plenty of people  get lax their second semester and let their grades slip. Plenty of others are incapable of working with others and cannot secure a job regardless of their 3.75 GPA. Even more still cannot interview. What I am saying is that it is never too late. 


Besides, unless a position specifically requests your GPA or class ranking, there is no need to put it on your resume. 

Your guide to an open-book law final.....

Law students like to make a big deal over not having to study as hard for open book/notes-allowable finals. To them I say "Are you FUCKING NUTS?????"


You see, it has been my experience that professors with those types of finals take this as a challenge.

A challenge to cram as much material possible into a three and a half hour long exam.
A challenge to make it into a 60 multiple choice exam with 3 long essay questions.
A challenge to cram eleventy billion issues into a 30 page essay question.

These professors are ruthless. They have no conscience. They consider torturing poor law students during the holiday season to be the star on top of their damn Christmas trees (or the candles in their menorahs, if you will....)

But there is hope. If, at the beginning of the school year, you actually read their syllabus, there are certain techniques you can utilize to beat these sadists at their own game. Behold the glory:

1) Highlight anything they discuss at length in class. Yes, this requires you to listen. But if they go over it and over it in class, you can pick their favorite shit and regurgitate it during the exam. They love this.

2) Tab the important cases. If they EVER say "this is a landmark case," then you can bet your sweet bippy it will be on the exam. Be prepared. Brief that shit (Westlaw should suffice), write it in the columns, and write a few cases that may also be relevant after it's over. You'll be glad you did.

3) Be aware of the notes. After the cases are the true test landminds--hypos and cases that didn't make it to front and center. These are dangerous, and much more likely to show up in an exam than the cases you were required to brief. Take an interest in these cases. Fuck the real reading--read this instead.

4) When creating your outline, make a table of contents. A lot of these exams depend on how well you can cross-reference, not how well you can write. This means to number your pages, be able to go from one topic to the other in a pinch, and GET THERE QUICKLY. Table of contents enable this.

5) Write page numbers in your outlines. You know how you highlighted your shit earlier? PUT PAGE NUMBERS THROUGHOUT YOUR OUTLINES--that way you can open your book to the information, your notes to the information, and cross-reference to your little heart's desire.

6) Prepare your answers. This is good for any final, but especially for those finals you can bring materials to. Write your CRuPAC, or whatever weird mnemonic device you've been taught, and then fill in the rest. This saved my ass in Civ Pro.

Yeah, this isn't rocket science, but it's also not necessarily things you think about until you're under the gun in the test you walked into with the mindset that it won't be that bad. Guess what? IT IS THAT BAD. As State Farm commercials say, don't be a Jerry. 15 minutes or less could save you from cold sweats later (okay, I used Geico commercials too). All's I know is I don't want to be the guy who drove his car up a fucking pole.

It's embarrassing.

And completely unnecessary.

The zombie apocalypse...law school finals style

I got into a lively discussion with some of my twitter friends the other day about the impending zombie apocalypse and whether a crossbow would serve as an adequate weapon. Then I realized something today.....I've already been preparing for it!!! So far, I've compared law school finals to the Rocky series (aka: getting my ass whooped and coming back for more), being on serious and dangerous medication (the adverse side effects are already manifesting themselves, y'all) and now, I've got another basis of comparison:

There's no doubt about it: preparing for law school finals is like readying yourself for the pending zombie apocalypse, only you can't kill the people around you that are trying to suck your soul from your body and render you a member of the undead....unfortunately. So, like all good law students, I'm sure you want to be ready, and I've prepared a list to ensure that you remain one of the living. Ready yourself....

1) Devise a plan: you know yourself. You know your capabilities. Don't plan for being able to do shit that is obviously beyond your capabilities. If you are slow, prepare your car should you need to get the fuck out of Dodge. If you are stupid, simplify your outline.

2) Stockpile a food arsenal. A week before final exams (which coincides nicely with Thanksgiving in the fall semester, just so you know), prepare about three freezable meals. Put those bitches in single serving tins (makes about 12-15 meals) and freeze them. Or just go to the grocery store and buy 15 boxes of Hot Pockets, 5 frozen pizzas, and ten gallons of Red Bull.

3) Buy dry shampoo: No matter if you are killing zombies or slaying finals, you are going to want to appear clean....even if you aren't. I recommend at least three cans of dry shampoo, a light body mist (NOTICE I SAID LIGHT), breath mints, and a prescription strength deodorant. Even if you are dead doesn't mean you have to smell like you are.

4) Important documents: even the CDC has recognized the possibility of a ZA. They recommend getting all your important documents together, and I couldn't agree more. This means you need a copy of your school id, the outlines you can actually bring in to tests, your study aids, and blue books, should you be a handwriter.

5) Medications: if you are on ANY prescription drugs (e.g. birth control, adderall, narcotics, or Viagra) be sure to have these prescriptions filled before the end of the semester craziness ensues. Trust me, you don't want to need your Viagra and not have it.

6) Preventative supplies: your immune system is down; you are surrounded by sick people; you are probably going to get sick. Buy zinc, the only thing proven to shorten a common cold, AND USE IT. Get some Advil (which you can take with alcohol--you can't drink with Tylenol, btw) for the head/backaches you're likely going to encounter. For that matter, buy some booze too. You know what they say....an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

7) Earplugs: you surprisingly don't see this on many lists. I say surprisingly because you are obviously going to need to muffle sounds--the sounds of fellow students or the sounds of gunfire as you're plowing down zombies. Duh.

8)   Adequate weaponry: this can be combined with your important documents, but there's so much more that can go with your weaponry. May I suggest your killing theme song (my personal choice being "Bohemian Rhapsody"), your highlighters, outlines you've managed to procure from people indubitably smarter than you, and dollars for snack machines?

9) Your "wolfpack": I'm with Zack Galifianakis on this one. You need your wolfpack--this doesn't mean you have to study with them, but it's always nice to have someone to accompany you as you drink yourself into oblivion. Also, they may be able to provide you with outlines, and they'll have your back (hopefully--I've got doubts about fellow law students, to tell the truth) should a zombie sneak up on you.

10) Avoid large groups of people: you can never be sure which of these people is waiting to morph into a zombie. And by zombie, I mean the asshole who starts bemoaning the upcoming exam, or mindfucking you into believing the exam you just took may have anally had you. It's also harder to study with large groups of people, and you tend to go out and drink as a reward for a half hour of "studying."

Do you have any tips for surviving the upcoming apocalypse?